Sorry, I'm at an extremely bad place tonight and need help remembering.

To enjoy all the things life has to offer, and to make the world a better place.
Hang in there and take care of yourself; you seem like a wonderful person and this world is better with you in it.
Dark times never last forever. Just because you can't see the sunrise at midnight, doesn't mean it's not coming.

I know it can feel like sometimes there's no more joy in the world, but I promise, with time, you'll find that joy again. Even if you have some bad times in your rearview mirror, the future is entirely unwritten. There are new friends and new experiences ahead of you. And, even if it sounds trivial now, new video games.

Truly, I find art to be one of life's great pleasures. Diving into a new book, or losing yourself in a great movie, or crying at the end of a truly meaningful video game. I love the sense of discovery and newness. There's always a new adventure on the horizon.

And I'll just say this. You're a special, unique person — the only one like you in the universe. And you're a special part of this community. You are appreciated and valued here, I promise.

I keep this card by my computer at all times, to remind me that there's a bright future ahead, somewhere. I hope it provides some comfort in this difficult time, Jaicee.

I believe that there is just nothing when you die. Just like before you were born. That thought terrifies me. So I guess that is reason 1 for me - not to transcend into nothingness.
2) Video games are the most interesting art form of our time and they get more interesting by the minute. I don't want to die before I can play the next God of War. Or see if FFXVI turns out to be the first new mainline FF game since X that I am going to like.
3) I learn japanese. And I am able to understand ever more things said in anime. To have these moments where you are proud that you improved yourself, even if just a little, are really special to me.
4) Perhaps with our intelligence comes responsability - we can understand the plight of others in a way nothing else can - so we feel more compelled to help each other than anything else we know of. To act on this responsability is a true reason for me. It always takes some courage, but a few days ago I helped somebody park his car and I still am glad thinking about it. Did not save the world, did not end wars, but it felt good anyways. Not many things feel better than helping. I guess this is one of the reasons why people like to get children. They can devote themselves to helping them make it in life. The ultimate somebody who needs help - a child. Gives meaning to peoples existance since people were a thing. So I guess my advice is: get a child. And if you can't find any, try helping somebody else.
5) To discover new things - new interests you might develope, like photography, cooking, drawing, playing the trumpet, or going on walks every day to see the world even if it is just a tiny part of it.
6) I do fitness training not to get in shape (did not work too well so far anyways), but because it really geels good. If I power myself out, when I am completely exhausted, there is nothing better than just lying down, closing my eyes and feel good about myself (and not because I won the battle againt my demons this time, but because the act itself, training and resting afterwards, feels so good).
-This would actually be my recommendation: If you are not feeling too well, try to power yourself out, do as many sit ups, push ups, squats, etc. as you can. Don't hurt yourself, but test out your limits. With this you can really feel yourself, feel everything around you and you yourself being at exactly the right place - within all of it. ... Quite subjective how much one gets out of exercise, but that if feels good to exert oneself is universal I suppose.

I don't post often here anymore but this made me want to reach out. Based on what others have written, you're clearly important to us here. If you've impacted our lives, think about all the lives of others you have impacted as well, either online or in real life. No matter what you think, you have affected people around, more than you probably realize. If you're gone, that will affect people as well, more than you know. Please reach out if you need a talk or just need someone to listen.

I can neither afford nor want more therapy. It's not been particularly helpful to me in a long time.

Sorry to scare everyone. I'll probably get over this. I have bouts like this from time to time, but this is the worst one I've experienced in a good while. I was thinking about Valentine's Day recently and realized I couldn't picture myself being alive on Valentine's Day. My brain sometimes starts thinking like "No one needs you around; your job is worthless and anyone can do it, your mom and dad hated you because you failed them, your knee won't recover and you can't do anything without it, you're hungry and overdue on the water bill and another tile just fell off the wall of your tub and your whole fucking house is falling apart and nobody cares because nobody loves you because you're unlovable, your life is so meaningless that nobody will even attend your funeral or miss you, there's no purpose to life anyway", stuff like that, and it takes me some time to start appreciating the little things again like I need to when I think about the big picture of life. I don't know how to put it out of my mind right now, which is why I need advice/distractions (or just kind words; those help too). I know myself. I appreciate it everyone.

Yes, I know there's nothing after death. My brain isn't registering how that's different from life right now and it's morally better than being a burden to people. Isn't that funny? Like every creature from the dawn of time to now has had as its first natural instinct to stay alive and I don't. I'm special. That's what they tell me anyway.

EDIT: I'm sorry again. Thank you for your kind words.

The older I get, the more comforting that thought (transcending into nothingness) becomes. Peace and quiet...

But not for a long time yet, there's still so much to experience, see and try out. It can be very hard to find something to spike your interest when you're in a dark place. For years I had nothing on my mind but to end it all. What stopped me was the realization that there were still people that love(d) me and I didn't want to hurt them. So I promised myself to at least out live my parents. But long before that 'opportunity' could happen (Still one alive today) I was already in a much better place. Even if I didn't have parents or if they were already dead, there were still other people going to get hurt when I would have ended it.

However staying alive because of 'guilt' isn't much to help yourself feel better. I found my way out / up through video games and xtc. Don't go taking xtc, but what it did for me is break down the walls I had build up around me and I could talk about things I could never have talked about before. It worked a lot better for me than talking to a psychologist for months. Video games allowed me to connect to people, I even met my now wife on Everquest. I still stay away from voice chat, yet text chat allowed me to open up and share a lot of things. Talking always helps, and if you're not comfortable talking, chatting through text works just as well.

Things can get real bad. At some point I was in a place where I felt completely disconnected to my body, like I was an observer floating around 3rd person style watching myself go through the motions. I guess a bit of disassociative identity disorder. Sleeping problems didn't help either, everything feels better after a good nights rest, yet getting that good nights sleep often seems impossible. I lived on 1 to 2 hours of sleep a night for a long time. At some point I thought my body was simply not compatible with the Earth's rotation. When the doctor send me home for 4 weeks after diagnosing me with severe burnout, I adopted a 30 hour day schedule, to try to get back in a rhythm. It worked lol, 30 hour days, turning 5 days into 4. I could sleep. Sadly, not compatible with the rest of the world, o after wrapping around twice I tried sticking to the 24 hour rhythm again. (Still struggling with sleep to this day)

But things do get better over time. The brain has a way to adjust, albeit slowly. What was really hard one day, feels a little easier the next. Try to focus on the positive things, chase that which brings a spark of joy. It can be anything. One thing I did when I was near the bottom starting my 30 hour day experiment, get fresh baked bread in the morning from a local bakery. Eat it while it's still warm out of the oven. The little things make life worth it. I'm sitting here with tears in my eyes thinking back about that moment. I hadn't eaten breakfast in years due to always feeling nauseous in the morning, not having slept most of the night.

The key to happiness is try not to worry about what can happen nor dwell on what did happen, try to focus on the now. It's not easy since the human mind is basically wired to analyze the past to predict all the bad things that might happen to you. The hard part is to get in control of your thoughts instead of letting your thoughts control you.

It helps to talk sometimes, so feel free to PM me if you wish.

A while back I was extremely depressed. My teaching career ended, fairly badly. That was what I expected to do for the rest of my life, so it was distressing. Plus, I felt like because I failed then, I would fail at anything else I tried. I didn't exactly have suicidal thoughts, but what you'd call suicidal ideation. More like, I don't want to kill myself, but wouldn't it be nice if I could. Luckily I have family who would have been devestated if I did anything like that. If I was in a different situation, who knows. 

Anyway, the point of the story, is that at the time, everything I was thinking seemed 100% reasonable. I knew for a fact that I would fail in every endeavor I ever attempted, be alone and miserable for the rest of my life, yada yada yada. I was convinced that this was a logical interpretation of the facts of my life. Looking back on it, it seems absolutely insane. And now, whenever I start to go down that path, I remember that what I felt at the time was 100% objectively true was not objectively true. So, what I'm thinking this time also may not be the truth. You don't have to think that you're wrong, just that you can't be certain you're right. That helps me.

Also, gonna plug antidepressants. Had to try a bunch of times to get it right, but once I got on the right one, it's like a whole different world. Obviously I'm not diagnosing you from the internet, but something to look into. You mentioned your financial situation, but I know some psychiatrists take things like Medicaid or ACA coverage. Typically not good ones but meh. Even if you don't do that route, it's just more evidence that many of the things you think are objective facts (or at least that I did) are actually just your brain working in a weird way. 

I used to be suicidal in my college years, because I couldn't find a girlfriend of any kind. I was also in poverty, and hated going to college and being so stressed out.

10 years later and I still haven't had a proper girlfriend. But I am happy. I realized the things I enjoy too much, are worth enjoying. Now I think there is just not enough time to keep enjoying things. So I spend my days doing just that.

If you enjoy video games or anything, keep enjoying them.

1 - Videogames

2 - Music

3 - Movies

4 - Women

5 - Food

6 - The beach

7 - Youtube

8 - Playing an instrument with a group of great people

9 - Travelling

10 - Spending time with the family

11 - Gardening

12 - Driving a car

There's probably way more than that. In fact my favourite thing right now is going for a run daily, didn't put on the list because people usually associate exercise with effort and work, but for me is relaxation and feeling great after.

Just to think that at 15 years I tried to kill myself, its amazing how much life changes and how much it improves, just to thing I paid off my big house already and working/saving to buy my own business maybe a snack bar or cafe. Other thing that improved immensely is I got used and enjoy being alone, back at 15 I imagined I needed a girlfriend, and its tough when you have to depend on parents and live by their rules. But once you live on your own place you can do whatever you want and just enjoy life. Another thing which is great, back then I hated school and imagined work to be, work. But if you make it something enjoyable you get used to it and that's so much better. The worst thing at 15 is the unknown, you have no idea what to do with life, you are scared, once you sort your life out, it will be so much better.