I’ve noticed that reality a perception. I’ve had perceptions of life that were shit and my sleep was shit and the cycle went on like that.

What’s interesting is that the perception changes. In my case, I get stuck in fight or flight almost permanently when triggered. Just the right sequence of events happen and I’m cured. Then it’s all sunshine and rainbows that I thought I would never see.

Word of caution, if it’s drugs you need, take a sip/take a hit; don’t drink the can or smoke the whole cigarette. The right amount can cure, the wrong amount will get you high and slam you down.

Giving back. Saving lives. It's fulfilling.

I am also a bit of an adrenaline junky... There is always something new to challenge myself every day...
Every Hazmat job has different dynamics to consider. - Is that drop of that unknown chemical going to kill me in just a few hours?
Every missing-person search is in a different location with different circumstances and factors... Did they have a mental episode and just travel a fence line or go across the paddock?

I have done the whole sky diving thing.
I have driven large boats out to sea in some of the most horrific conditions on Earth with 15 meter plus wave heights.
I have managed to save drowning children that were swept away in rapids.
I have pulled peoples pets out of burning buildings...
I have held onto a woman for 12 hours doing my best to keep her alive, waiting for a helicopter.
I have cut a father out of a car with his screaming daughter in the backseat.

I could go on.
But challenging yourself is the absolute best way to feeling fulfilled in life, to feel valued, to give yourself purpose and drive...

But also working hard and seeing that hard work pay off with a new house, car... Or something smaller like a video game even.
Incredible people can do incredible things... And it is only you, that holds you back.
{Now for a few images from my everyday life.}

 









And obviously... Stress less. Life is short, enjoy it. Have a joke, have some fun, spend big if it brings you joy and comfort.

The new Kirby game is a good reason to live

I won't repeat what others have said as it already is sound advice.

I am not that great with words so hopefully some of this makes sense.

The one thing I did not see mentioned much is self worth. Sometimes you have to be selfish and make yourself feel valuable to yourself first before worrying what others think of you. The old saying you have to love yourself before you can love others.

What I have observed around me is that the COVID pandemic has played a huge part on people feeling the way you are atm. Hence why I think in these challenging times where we are more isolated then ever and disjoined from close family and friends, self worth is more important than ever. Fortunately for me the COVID pandemic hasn't been mentally impactful and that is due to another reason that happened to me earlier in life. In 2012 I hit rock bottom where my back was injured and I could hardly walk and my lower half of my body was tingling all the time. In the end I saw maybe 5 different specialists to try and help me but in the end it was determined that they thought my nerves were pinched and only time may help easy that pain and tingling and get be back to before my injury. I thought this would impact me for live however it took two years for me to feel better and I was isolated from the world living in my small apartment. The experience made me feel worthless and why I was even alive.

However as time went on the one thing that I kept doing through all that was talking to people online with similar interest (i.e. VGChartz). I kept my mind very busy so that I would slowly not dwell on my physical issues and worrying if I was useful to society anymore. I even found a job that could be done from home which kept me even more busy. Then I also found other hobbies to do that keep me busy but more importantly gave me self gratification when I hit my goals in those hobbies. The hobbies helped me enjoy life for me and not worry about how others felt about me and I stopped wondering what is the purpose of living. As long as I found internal happiness it didn't matter if there was some grand plan to my existence. Once my mind was more positive and my physical issues went away eventually I rolled back into society and mingled with real people.

This thread is good therapy, so many great people here. Heartwarming.

I don't know how much if at all this going to help, but here is a story of my own ecperiences when contemplating suicide:

A bit more than two years ago I was suffering under massive depression. I didn't see a light at the end of the tunnel. I still have a booklet where I wrote all my thoughts in. It's hard to read, reminds me of the pain. It became unbearable.

I remember standing on a stool in the bathroom, a cable around the lamp on the ceiling and around my neck. My biggest concern in that moment was, what would happen if the lamp didn't support my weight and got ripped out of the ceiling and I survived with a permanent injury to my neck.

It was at that moment, that I began thinking about everything that was important to me in my short life. Everyone who loved me, to whom I was important. How would my death impact them? All the things that had made me happay throughout my life. Everything that ever gave me a smile. The best moments in my life. They always shine the brightest.

I started to smile and I realised that there is still so much to see, to do, to experience. So many of those great moments that make me smile even years later are waiting for me in the future. They are waiting for you too. You just need to find them. Don't let the bad moments pull you down. They will always keep pulling at you, but it's all worth it for these great ones because those are the ones that shine the brighest.

When I realised that while still stanging on the stool, I began to see a light at the end of the tunnel. This light is what I look at when I feel down. It means happiness, joy.

Don't think of the bad times, think of the good ones, because the good moments are the ones that define who you are, not the bad ones. The more darkness surrounds you the brighter does the light shine. Embrace it, don't give up, never.

What is important to you? What makes you happy? Live for what makes you happy.

I hope that helps.

Oh babe things always get better, trust me. It's always really hard to understand that possibility when you are in a bad place but it truly does. I was in a terrible place a few years ago and each year kept getting a lot better and i was just astonished when i looked back at how much i've become happier. It's easy to get lost right now in this state of the world, i don't blame you. Even tho i feel a lot better than i used to, i still have my moments every now and then and i have to just push through mentally cause i want to.

I would say think about what's next for you, things you always wanted to accomplish. If you are still in school, visualize that end goal and everything positive that will come out of that. If you are an adult, are you satisfied with your routine you have lately ? It might sound stupid but to me, i'm unable to like go to bed too late all the time (like 2-3 am) or i literally become lazy and anxious and i get nothing done and feel terrible. Sometimes you can just change some little things about your daily life and it will have enough of a positive effect for you to get encouraged and get unto another thing that might need a change, one step at a time.

All i can tell you is you definitely grow out of that stronger and it makes you more understanding of the reality of others when you go through things like that.
Much love, i'm here to talk if you want x

I haven't read through the thread yet.  I hope here a few days later things are looking up.  You are obviously an intelligent individual and although I don't always agree with your political conclusions they are much more often than not researched and well stated.  You really should find work that showcases your research talent.  Work is obviously not the end all be all but as long as it isn't work from home it will also cast you into a new pool of people where you will likely find new friendships and through those possibly love.  You are no moron and the world seems to be short of people that aren't morons.   We all have our blind spots but you really are an intelligent individual don't let that go to waste.  Letting talent peculate isn't a sin but throwing it away all together should be.  We love ya Jaicee, I hope your perspective shifts. 

I'm not sure what this says about me but as I was reading this sentence "So I guess my advice is: get a child. And if you can't find any," a part of me really wanted to read " And if you can't find any, they are really pretty easy to take from a playground" I guess I've been on a bit of a dark humor kick lately...

Sorry it's taken me a while to get back to you, but you wrote a lot and there have been multiple topics I've been rotating around lately.

Anyway though, I just wanted to say thanks for your contributions in particular because they honestly have made me feel a little better. I'll be okay. It just takes time and reassurances that my life means something to other people (because it really doesn't mean much to me) for me to get past funks this bad. I'm just tired of being ever so special, you know? I'm tired of being a failure at everything, tired of being hungry, tired of frankly being depressed, tired of my heart beating like I'm on a treadmill when I'm just lying awake in bed at night, tired of not getting enough sleep (tired of being tired, you might say), tired of being lonely and out of things to do that I can afford, tired of PTSD, tired of my therapist being as tired of my lack of progress as I am, tired of watching the cracks in the walls just get bigger and bigger and being unable to do anything about it...I hate being me! I hate being stupid! I hate my dead parents and myself for failing them at the same time! I hate being poor! I hate being gay! I hate living in Texas! I hate always losing my train of thought when I try to talk to people! I hate my brain instinctively rehearsing my mistakes across my whole life and the ways I've hurt other people every day! I hate a God I don't even believe in any more for dominating my entire childhood and guilting, guilting, disapproving, never happy, going to hell, burn, burn, burn the witch forever and ever and ever and ever because one death is not enough for all my sin and evil! I hate even remembering drugs because they remind me of friends I used to have and nightmares and the hospital. I hate life. I need a reason to live. And unfortunately, I can't be Hiku. My lifelong dearth of approval prevents me from being able to just disregard people's opinions of me. That's for people who have some kind of entrenched self-confidence I think. I yearn for that kind of freedom, but can only aspire to it, never realized. I just want to be normal. I would give anything, absolutely anything in the world, to be normal. Couldn't make it through college. Couldn't make it into the army. Can't even make it out of poverty. I'm so special, as measured in the people I've let down.

*breathes*

Okay. I am now purged of that. For now.

Well anyway, you were right about talking to Jetzel (my former girlfriend). She was more gracious than I could have possibly imagined. Just wish I could've spoken things as semi-coherently as I can type them out here where I have some time to think about what I'm saying on most occasions. Well, it was a step. My therapist just gives me the same speech again and again no matter what I say pretty much when I see her, which ain't often anymore for that reason. She's clearly tired of hearing my gripes and inadequacies. I don't blame her. I'm tired of living them. I'd understand if she just gave up on me because I feel like giving up on me. At this point, she's just someone else I'm failing and that's not helpful to my psyche. Jetzel reacts differently to me, naively believing that I'm more capable of changing than I am. Well, it makes me feel a little better at least. Until I let her down again.

I'm going to try to appreciate small joys more. I know I should anyway. I've had to learn that lesson too many times already. It really is the way. Sometimes I just have to remember, and remember to share. Sharing is tough though because there's so much embarrassing about my life that I don't like getting TOO detailed, especially with people I don't really know. But just knowing that somebody's listening is the most important thing.

I'm rambling. I barely know what I'm saying, I'm just trying to say thank you for caring.

There was a really good video someone made about Catra exemplifying borderline personality disorder.

I'd say that's the crux of my connection to her as a character. And she gets to earn forgiveness and acceptance and even love and lives happily ever after. Don't know how life-like that conclusion is, but it's my dream and surely I can at least have that.

Yeah it's intended for like the 8 to 14-year-old market, but like many other programs it's helped more recently inspire (like The Owl House), it's wound up with a mostly older audience in our 20s and 30s (disproportionately non-heterosexual) because, well, some of us have wished for our entire lives that Saturday morning-style cartoons about challenges like these, centering on characters like these, had been around when we were young enough to be target audience and maybe I guess feel like catching up on aspects of what probably should've been normative childhood that we didn't get now that we finally can.

I've heard lots of good things about Doom Patrol too. Will have to put that on my list of shows to check out!

I hear you, and I actually do a lot of that already. Like a lot of the reason I play video games these days is precisely to gain new perspective on life. I have a couple online communities I know I can visit for comfort and safety too. VG Chartz is more of a side journey for me, but I do like it here as well, and you all have been super nice and considerate toward me here on this thread in particular in my hour of greatest need. I just feel like I need to find an in-person kind of space of that nature at this point.