| Ryuu96 said: No problem, almost everyone at some point in their lives needs a little help, whether that is only a little advice or a reminder of something, I'm sure you will always have users here who are happy to help out when you need it. I think it could be worth reaching out to your former girlfriend, I'm sure she still cares about you and would be happy to lend an ear, even if someone doesn't have solutions to all of your problems, just the act of opening up to someone may help you feel better, as the saying goes, a problem shared is a problem halved. Yeah, it's difficult making friends when we get older, it was a lot easier back in the School/College days, Lol. As an adult, I think it requires a lot more effort on the individuals part to reach out, I only have a small circle of friends IRL and honestly I'm fine with that, quality > quantity, I would rather have ~10 friends that I share a close bond with than a near hundred that I barely talk to so don't worry about the amount of friends but the quality of those friendships. Don't overthink it too much, a lot of it will happen naturally, maybe you could reach out to work colleagues and try to find something you have in common with them? Go out for drinks, do something you're both interested in, you will likely have to make the first move though but those skills will come back to you with practice, if you had them before then they're just waiting to be 'woken' back up, try having the same confidence in real life as you have here and not every friendship may work out but that's life, not everyone is suited for everyone but I'm sure you will find some, failure is only failure if you don't learn from it too! Sorry about your physical pain, I can't really relate much to that, I don't have much pain at all on a consistent basis from my disability, I would say though to consult with your doctor before trying anything which could be potentially damaging to your health, you don't want to replace a problem with something worse...But I know you live in America and everything costs money there...Not really sure where you are with insurance and stuff, I would be screwed in America... I think that you shouldn't put things on a scale, if these "small" things make you happy then that is ultimately all that matters, your happiness is more important than anything else, no matter how small these things are considered by others. Live every day at a time as you know to do, fight the upcoming challenges head on when you get to them and try to remind yourself of the positive things in life. Try not to think about any "challenges" you've made for others either, I'm not sure in your case but often we blame ourselves too much for certain things or how we may have been a burden on others, meanwhile the other person at the end of the day doesn't really care and simply only cares about your wellbeing, unless you know what they're thinking then I would try to put that worry to the side if you can, you've got to get better first. This feeling will pass, you know what you've got to do I think, I'm sure eventually stuff will come to you, stuff you once enjoyed doing, or enjoy doing now, stuff that you've always wanted to do, etc. Focus on those things, remind yourself of those things, you'll get there! In the meantime, you've always got your VGChartz family! We may not know you IRL but we can still try to help!
Wish I knew the story but often characters are based on personal experiences or at least speak to others with similar experiences both currently experiencing similar emotional situations or have got through them, Catra may just be a cartoon but to you and others she is a lot more than that so cherish that and use it for inspiration and you're right that you need to do this for you, sure we accept you but ultimately you need to accept yourself and believe there is hope and I think you can get there. Think my niece actually watched She-Ra once, I'm not sure if she still does but I've seen you talk about it so I thought it was cool as it sounds like a nice wholesome and progressive show. I think Doom Patrol is a pretty awesome show at handling mental health topics too, I would recommend that you watch that, it's hilarious but also deals with some heavy themes, none of the characters feel they fit into the world but come together in their own weird family, obviously it's just a show but it has a good message at its core to just be yourself and be happy with yourself. |
Sorry it's taken me a while to get back to you, but you wrote a lot and there have been multiple topics I've been rotating around lately.
Anyway though, I just wanted to say thanks for your contributions in particular because they honestly have made me feel a little better. I'll be okay. It just takes time and reassurances that my life means something to other people (because it really doesn't mean much to me) for me to get past funks this bad. I'm just tired of being ever so special, you know? I'm tired of being a failure at everything, tired of being hungry, tired of frankly being depressed, tired of my heart beating like I'm on a treadmill when I'm just lying awake in bed at night, tired of not getting enough sleep (tired of being tired, you might say), tired of being lonely and out of things to do that I can afford, tired of PTSD, tired of my therapist being as tired of my lack of progress as I am, tired of watching the cracks in the walls just get bigger and bigger and being unable to do anything about it...I hate being me! I hate being stupid! I hate my dead parents and myself for failing them at the same time! I hate being poor! I hate being gay! I hate living in Texas! I hate always losing my train of thought when I try to talk to people! I hate my brain instinctively rehearsing my mistakes across my whole life and the ways I've hurt other people every day! I hate a God I don't even believe in any more for dominating my entire childhood and guilting, guilting, disapproving, never happy, going to hell, burn, burn, burn the witch forever and ever and ever and ever because one death is not enough for all my sin and evil! I hate even remembering drugs because they remind me of friends I used to have and nightmares and the hospital. I hate life. I need a reason to live. And unfortunately, I can't be Hiku. My lifelong dearth of approval prevents me from being able to just disregard people's opinions of me. That's for people who have some kind of entrenched self-confidence I think. I yearn for that kind of freedom, but can only aspire to it, never realized. I just want to be normal. I would give anything, absolutely anything in the world, to be normal. Couldn't make it through college. Couldn't make it into the army. Can't even make it out of poverty. I'm so special, as measured in the people I've let down.
*breathes*
Okay. I am now purged of that. For now.
Well anyway, you were right about talking to Jetzel (my former girlfriend). She was more gracious than I could have possibly imagined. Just wish I could've spoken things as semi-coherently as I can type them out here where I have some time to think about what I'm saying on most occasions. Well, it was a step. My therapist just gives me the same speech again and again no matter what I say pretty much when I see her, which ain't often anymore for that reason. She's clearly tired of hearing my gripes and inadequacies. I don't blame her. I'm tired of living them. I'd understand if she just gave up on me because I feel like giving up on me. At this point, she's just someone else I'm failing and that's not helpful to my psyche. Jetzel reacts differently to me, naively believing that I'm more capable of changing than I am. Well, it makes me feel a little better at least. Until I let her down again.
I'm going to try to appreciate small joys more. I know I should anyway. I've had to learn that lesson too many times already. It really is the way. Sometimes I just have to remember, and remember to share. Sharing is tough though because there's so much embarrassing about my life that I don't like getting TOO detailed, especially with people I don't really know. But just knowing that somebody's listening is the most important thing.
I'm rambling. I barely know what I'm saying, I'm just trying to say thank you for caring. 
Ryuu96 said:
Wish I knew the story but often characters are based on personal experiences or at least speak to others with similar experiences both currently experiencing similar emotional situations or have got through them, Catra may just be a cartoon but to you and others she is a lot more than that so cherish that and use it for inspiration and you're right that you need to do this for you, sure we accept you but ultimately you need to accept yourself and believe there is hope and I think you can get there. Think my niece actually watched She-Ra once, I'm not sure if she still does but I've seen you talk about it so I thought it was cool as it sounds like a nice wholesome and progressive show. I think Doom Patrol is a pretty awesome show at handling mental health topics too, I would recommend that you watch that, it's hilarious but also deals with some heavy themes, none of the characters feel they fit into the world but come together in their own weird family, obviously it's just a show but it has a good message at its core to just be yourself and be happy with yourself. |
There was a really good video someone made about Catra exemplifying borderline personality disorder.
I'd say that's the crux of my connection to her as a character. And she gets to earn forgiveness and acceptance and even love and lives happily ever after. Don't know how life-like that conclusion is, but it's my dream and surely I can at least have that.
Yeah it's intended for like the 8 to 14-year-old market, but like many other programs it's helped more recently inspire (like The Owl House), it's wound up with a mostly older audience in our 20s and 30s (disproportionately non-heterosexual) because, well, some of us have wished for our entire lives that Saturday morning-style cartoons about challenges like these, centering on characters like these, had been around when we were young enough to be target audience and maybe I guess feel like catching up on aspects of what probably should've been normative childhood that we didn't get now that we finally can.
I've heard lots of good things about Doom Patrol too. Will have to put that on my list of shows to check out!
