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Forums - General Discussion - What are good reasons to live?

JuliusHackebeil said:

I believe that there is just nothing when you die. Just like before you were born. That thought terrifies me. So I guess that is reason 1 for me

This is exactly what I think happens and how I feel about it too. 



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I don't post often here anymore but this made me want to reach out. Based on what others have written, you're clearly important to us here. If you've impacted our lives, think about all the lives of others you have impacted as well, either online or in real life. No matter what you think, you have affected people around, more than you probably realize. If you're gone, that will affect people as well, more than you know. Please reach out if you need a talk or just need someone to listen.



I can neither afford nor want more therapy. It's not been particularly helpful to me in a long time.

Sorry to scare everyone. I'll probably get over this. I have bouts like this from time to time, but this is the worst one I've experienced in a good while. I was thinking about Valentine's Day recently and realized I couldn't picture myself being alive on Valentine's Day. My brain sometimes starts thinking like "No one needs you around; your job is worthless and anyone can do it, your mom and dad hated you because you failed them, your knee won't recover and you can't do anything without it, you're hungry and overdue on the water bill and another tile just fell off the wall of your tub and your whole fucking house is falling apart and nobody cares because nobody loves you because you're unlovable, your life is so meaningless that nobody will even attend your funeral or miss you, there's no purpose to life anyway", stuff like that, and it takes me some time to start appreciating the little things again like I need to when I think about the big picture of life. I don't know how to put it out of my mind right now, which is why I need advice/distractions (or just kind words; those help too). I know myself. I appreciate it everyone.

Yes, I know there's nothing after death. My brain isn't registering how that's different from life right now and it's morally better than being a burden to people. Isn't that funny? Like every creature from the dawn of time to now has had as its first natural instinct to stay alive and I don't. I'm special. That's what they tell me anyway.

EDIT: I'm sorry again. Thank you for your kind words.

Last edited by Jaicee - on 09 January 2022

Machina said:
JuliusHackebeil said:

I believe that there is just nothing when you die. Just like before you were born. That thought terrifies me. So I guess that is reason 1 for me

This is exactly what I think happens and how I feel about it too. 

The older I get, the more comforting that thought (transcending into nothingness) becomes. Peace and quiet...

But not for a long time yet, there's still so much to experience, see and try out. It can be very hard to find something to spike your interest when you're in a dark place. For years I had nothing on my mind but to end it all. What stopped me was the realization that there were still people that love(d) me and I didn't want to hurt them. So I promised myself to at least out live my parents. But long before that 'opportunity' could happen (Still one alive today) I was already in a much better place. Even if I didn't have parents or if they were already dead, there were still other people going to get hurt when I would have ended it.

However staying alive because of 'guilt' isn't much to help yourself feel better. I found my way out / up through video games and xtc. Don't go taking xtc, but what it did for me is break down the walls I had build up around me and I could talk about things I could never have talked about before. It worked a lot better for me than talking to a psychologist for months. Video games allowed me to connect to people, I even met my now wife on Everquest. I still stay away from voice chat, yet text chat allowed me to open up and share a lot of things. Talking always helps, and if you're not comfortable talking, chatting through text works just as well.

Things can get real bad. At some point I was in a place where I felt completely disconnected to my body, like I was an observer floating around 3rd person style watching myself go through the motions. I guess a bit of disassociative identity disorder. Sleeping problems didn't help either, everything feels better after a good nights rest, yet getting that good nights sleep often seems impossible. I lived on 1 to 2 hours of sleep a night for a long time. At some point I thought my body was simply not compatible with the Earth's rotation. When the doctor send me home for 4 weeks after diagnosing me with severe burnout, I adopted a 30 hour day schedule, to try to get back in a rhythm. It worked lol, 30 hour days, turning 5 days into 4. I could sleep. Sadly, not compatible with the rest of the world, o after wrapping around twice I tried sticking to the 24 hour rhythm again. (Still struggling with sleep to this day)

But things do get better over time. The brain has a way to adjust, albeit slowly. What was really hard one day, feels a little easier the next. Try to focus on the positive things, chase that which brings a spark of joy. It can be anything. One thing I did when I was near the bottom starting my 30 hour day experiment, get fresh baked bread in the morning from a local bakery. Eat it while it's still warm out of the oven. The little things make life worth it. I'm sitting here with tears in my eyes thinking back about that moment. I hadn't eaten breakfast in years due to always feeling nauseous in the morning, not having slept most of the night.

The key to happiness is try not to worry about what can happen nor dwell on what did happen, try to focus on the now. It's not easy since the human mind is basically wired to analyze the past to predict all the bad things that might happen to you. The hard part is to get in control of your thoughts instead of letting your thoughts control you.



I don't know if this is because I haven't quite been in the right (or wrong) circumstances, or because it's something I grew into. But a lot of the things you described, such as the people caring about me, I don't feel like it affects my happiness. Even if no one cared (and these days I have very few people close to me, mainly by choice), I don't imagine it's something I would crave. I suspect this is because so little of my daily routines and sources of amusement are related to any other person. Basically I can have fun on my own.

I don't think that was always the case for me. But the last time I felt the emotion of loneliness was around 2004. I distinctly remember that because it happened for a silly reason.
I dropped by my friends house unannounced on my way home from school. He wasn't home, so I called his cell, but there was no answer. I called another friend or two, and couldn't reach them either. And suddenly I was overcome with a very strong sense of loneliness. But it never happened again. Even when I went through similar scenarios. After some years I noticed that it has been an unusually long time since I felt lonely in any way. Even after breakups, I didn't have that emotion. I was sad for a while, but not lonely. Nor did I feel like I had to be needed by someone else.

So perhaps it's something we can get used to over time. To not have our happiness tied to other people.

Either way, what are the things you usually enjoyed doing?

Video games? Movies? Books? There's always something new and interesting on the horizon. How about talking to someone who shares your passions about some of your favorite things? 
Personally, I've been watching Gordon Ramsey's Hotel Hell episodes recently for entertainment.
I think having a pet can help in these situations as well, as someone else suggested. Pets tend to love us unconditionally, if we love them.

And for the record, if you still have the same job you mentioned at the start of the pandemic, then it's definitely not a job anyone can do. I know plenty of people who would not want to do that during a pandemic, so you are definitely an essential worker.
And I think you are one of the most interesting people I've interacted with here, in this community.

Last edited by Hiku - on 09 January 2022

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Jaicee said:

Sorry, I'm at an extremely bad place tonight and need help remembering.

It helps to talk sometimes, so feel free to PM me if you wish.

A while back I was extremely depressed. My teaching career ended, fairly badly. That was what I expected to do for the rest of my life, so it was distressing. Plus, I felt like because I failed then, I would fail at anything else I tried. I didn't exactly have suicidal thoughts, but what you'd call suicidal ideation. More like, I don't want to kill myself, but wouldn't it be nice if I could. Luckily I have family who would have been devestated if I did anything like that. If I was in a different situation, who knows. 

Anyway, the point of the story, is that at the time, everything I was thinking seemed 100% reasonable. I knew for a fact that I would fail in every endeavor I ever attempted, be alone and miserable for the rest of my life, yada yada yada. I was convinced that this was a logical interpretation of the facts of my life. Looking back on it, it seems absolutely insane. And now, whenever I start to go down that path, I remember that what I felt at the time was 100% objectively true was not objectively true. So, what I'm thinking this time also may not be the truth. You don't have to think that you're wrong, just that you can't be certain you're right. That helps me.

Also, gonna plug antidepressants. Had to try a bunch of times to get it right, but once I got on the right one, it's like a whole different world. Obviously I'm not diagnosing you from the internet, but something to look into. You mentioned your financial situation, but I know some psychiatrists take things like Medicaid or ACA coverage. Typically not good ones but meh. Even if you don't do that route, it's just more evidence that many of the things you think are objective facts (or at least that I did) are actually just your brain working in a weird way. 



Jaicee said:

I can neither afford nor want more therapy. It's not been particularly helpful to me in a long time.

Sorry to scare everyone. I'll probably get over this. I have bouts like this from time to time, but this is the worst one I've experienced in a good while. I was thinking about Valentine's Day recently and realized I couldn't picture myself being alive on Valentine's Day. My brain sometimes starts thinking like "No one needs you around; your job is worthless and anyone can do it, your mom and dad hated you because you failed them, your knee won't recover and you can't do anything without it, you're hungry and overdue on the water bill and another tile just fell off the wall of your tub and your whole fucking house is falling apart and nobody cares because nobody loves you because you're unlovable, your life is so meaningless that nobody will even attend your funeral or miss you, there's no purpose to life anyway", stuff like that, and it takes me some time to start appreciating the little things again like I need to when I think about the big picture of life. I don't know how to put it out of my mind right now, which is why I need advice/distractions (or just kind words; those help too). I know myself. I appreciate it everyone.

Yes, I know there's nothing after death. My brain isn't registering how that's different from life right now and it's morally better than being a burden to people. Isn't that funny? Like every creature from the dawn of time to now has had as its first natural instinct to stay alive and I don't. I'm special. That's what they tell me anyway.

EDIT: I'm sorry again. Thank you for your kind words.

Is there anyone that you can talk to, a close friend or family member? I don't know if it applies to you but I know that often folk will think they're being a burden on friends or family by opening up but that is not the case, your close friends and family love you and any real friend or family member will only want you to be okay and do anything to help you achieve that.

There's no apology needed either, I think that almost everyone has these dark thoughts from time to time, the world would be a better place if we were more open and honest about these things, it's far better than bottling things up and encourages others to speak out before they do something bad. So if anything, I think it should be a "thank you" for showing it's okay to reach out.

As for the future, I think it's better (for the most part) to simply take things one day at a time, aside from some long term personal goals. Focus on what makes you happy at this very moment on this day, then the next day and so on. There is so many things outside of your control that can happen between now and a date in the future, both good and bad, nobody knows, life can be pretty random.

As for your brain, do you agree with it or do you know that deep down it is a lie? I've definitely had some negative thoughts in the past from my lying POS brain (heh) but I know that none of it is true, I don't know what you're going through right now but I'm sure you know deep down that it's a lie coming from a specific part of your brain, I'm sure your parents didn't hate you, any good parent simply wants their child to be okay and everything else is minor, I'm betting that it isn't true that nobody needs you around, I'm sure they'd be multiple people devastated at losing you and even some here that would be sad.

I am sorry about your current physical health and financial difficulties, I can't offer much advice there, I do hope things improve there too, I'm fairly lucky in that my own physical disability has remained consistent but I'm prepared for the future, I do hope you can find some comfort with your knee in the future, the body can be fragile but it can also be remarkably adaptable, honestly it can be sorta fragile and sturdy at the same time, it's pretty amazing and hopefully you'll find something to ease any (pain?) I imagine you're experiencing in your knee.

And hey, if there's no purpose in life, no big grand scheme, then have fun with it, do whatever makes you happy, the fact that we're here in the first place is pretty damn insane, remarkable, whatever word you want to use, we're pretty f*cking special, each one of us and we only get one life to live so don't miss out on anything you want to do, search for that purpose in living and do some crazy shit (within legal bounds, lol).

Also the fact that you're still alive right now shows that some part of you wants to be, whether you realise it or not, whether it's our natural instincts to stay alive or something more, you're still here despite a part of your brain feeding you these negative lies, you're still fighting because you're a strong person and we've all seen that, I have no doubt that you will get through this and manage to see some positivity in the world again, something to look forward to.



I used to be suicidal in my college years, because I couldn't find a girlfriend of any kind. I was also in poverty, and hated going to college and being so stressed out.

10 years later and I still haven't had a proper girlfriend. But I am happy. I realized the things I enjoy too much, are worth enjoying. Now I think there is just not enough time to keep enjoying things. So I spend my days doing just that.

If you enjoy video games or anything, keep enjoying them.



Jaicee said:

I can neither afford nor want more therapy. It's not been particularly helpful to me in a long time.

Sorry to scare everyone. I'll probably get over this. I have bouts like this from time to time, but this is the worst one I've experienced in a good while. I was thinking about Valentine's Day recently and realized I couldn't picture myself being alive on Valentine's Day. My brain sometimes starts thinking like "No one needs you around; your job is worthless and anyone can do it, your mom and dad hated you because you failed them, your knee won't recover and you can't do anything without it, you're hungry and overdue on the water bill and another tile just fell off the wall of your tub and your whole fucking house is falling apart and nobody cares because nobody loves you because you're unlovable, your life is so meaningless that nobody will even attend your funeral or miss you, there's no purpose to life anyway", stuff like that, and it takes me some time to start appreciating the little things again like I need to when I think about the big picture of life. I don't know how to put it out of my mind right now, which is why I need advice/distractions (or just kind words; those help too). I know myself. I appreciate it everyone.

Yes, I know there's nothing after death. My brain isn't registering how that's different from life right now and it's morally better than being a burden to people. Isn't that funny? Like every creature from the dawn of time to now has had as its first natural instinct to stay alive and I don't. I'm special. That's what they tell me anyway.

EDIT: I'm sorry again. Thank you for your kind words.

Honestly, sometimes it just helps to get the words out. You don't need to apologize because most of us have been there. Some of us can pull ourselves up but it's difficult to do it when you start spiraling. I'm glad you made this thread and I'm hoping it helps you feel some relief, whether it is immediate or something you'll have to find later on. Keep on fighting.  

Bonus: Here's one of the songs that I listen to when I need to ugly cry. 



1 - Videogames

2 - Music

3 - Movies

4 - Women

5 - Food

6 - The beach

7 - Youtube

8 - Playing an instrument with a group of great people

9 - Travelling

10 - Spending time with the family

11 - Gardening

12 - Driving a car

There's probably way more than that. In fact my favourite thing right now is going for a run daily, didn't put on the list because people usually associate exercise with effort and work, but for me is relaxation and feeling great after.

Just to think that at 15 years I tried to kill myself, its amazing how much life changes and how much it improves, just to thing I paid off my big house already and working/saving to buy my own business maybe a snack bar or cafe. Other thing that improved immensely is I got used and enjoy being alone, back at 15 I imagined I needed a girlfriend, and its tough when you have to depend on parents and live by their rules. But once you live on your own place you can do whatever you want and just enjoy life. Another thing which is great, back then I hated school and imagined work to be, work. But if you make it something enjoyable you get used to it and that's so much better. The worst thing at 15 is the unknown, you have no idea what to do with life, you are scared, once you sort your life out, it will be so much better.

Last edited by victor83fernandes - on 10 January 2022