Machina said:
This is exactly what I think happens and how I feel about it too. |
The older I get, the more comforting that thought (transcending into nothingness) becomes. Peace and quiet...
But not for a long time yet, there's still so much to experience, see and try out. It can be very hard to find something to spike your interest when you're in a dark place. For years I had nothing on my mind but to end it all. What stopped me was the realization that there were still people that love(d) me and I didn't want to hurt them. So I promised myself to at least out live my parents. But long before that 'opportunity' could happen (Still one alive today) I was already in a much better place. Even if I didn't have parents or if they were already dead, there were still other people going to get hurt when I would have ended it.
However staying alive because of 'guilt' isn't much to help yourself feel better. I found my way out / up through video games and xtc. Don't go taking xtc, but what it did for me is break down the walls I had build up around me and I could talk about things I could never have talked about before. It worked a lot better for me than talking to a psychologist for months. Video games allowed me to connect to people, I even met my now wife on Everquest. I still stay away from voice chat, yet text chat allowed me to open up and share a lot of things. Talking always helps, and if you're not comfortable talking, chatting through text works just as well.
Things can get real bad. At some point I was in a place where I felt completely disconnected to my body, like I was an observer floating around 3rd person style watching myself go through the motions. I guess a bit of disassociative identity disorder. Sleeping problems didn't help either, everything feels better after a good nights rest, yet getting that good nights sleep often seems impossible. I lived on 1 to 2 hours of sleep a night for a long time. At some point I thought my body was simply not compatible with the Earth's rotation. When the doctor send me home for 4 weeks after diagnosing me with severe burnout, I adopted a 30 hour day schedule, to try to get back in a rhythm. It worked lol, 30 hour days, turning 5 days into 4. I could sleep. Sadly, not compatible with the rest of the world, o after wrapping around twice I tried sticking to the 24 hour rhythm again. (Still struggling with sleep to this day)
But things do get better over time. The brain has a way to adjust, albeit slowly. What was really hard one day, feels a little easier the next. Try to focus on the positive things, chase that which brings a spark of joy. It can be anything. One thing I did when I was near the bottom starting my 30 hour day experiment, get fresh baked bread in the morning from a local bakery. Eat it while it's still warm out of the oven. The little things make life worth it. I'm sitting here with tears in my eyes thinking back about that moment. I hadn't eaten breakfast in years due to always feeling nauseous in the morning, not having slept most of the night.
The key to happiness is try not to worry about what can happen nor dwell on what did happen, try to focus on the now. It's not easy since the human mind is basically wired to analyze the past to predict all the bad things that might happen to you. The hard part is to get in control of your thoughts instead of letting your thoughts control you.
