I'm still reading through, but based on what I've read I would suggest shortening your sentences. The first paragraph for instance would flow a lot better if you separated it into three separate sentences rather than one long sentence separated by multiple comma's.

The story has me intrigued though.

I guess I'll just have to rewrite everything.

You know whats funny? I actually made sentences long because someone told me they were too short and I should be more detailed, I guess I don't have a middle ground.

Thanks though. =]

I read half. Lack of proper punctuation (it's basically one long run on sentence then another) makes it hard to read. It's decently eloquent, and does have the feel of sci-fi pulp. You do paint an interesting picture and I think I could get into it were it not for the awful grammar and punctuation.

Just work on your style and you should get better. I read stuff which had perfect writing and was awfully boring and you're not boring. :)

um what is this

http://storywrite.com/story/11524378-The-Passenger--ELYZIUM--Sleepless-Souls-Prologue--by-PullusPardus

Ow wow.. are you stalking him? xD

Yup it has some simelarities. In Ringworld they crash land on a full ring build around a star with the engineers seemingly long gone. Bowl of heaven is more like a giant rotating teacup next to a travelling star, with the population under tight management through genetic engineering. It's part techy sci-fi, doing a good job at describing how such a structure could work, and has interesting insights in how the human mind works as the aliens try to figure out how human intelligence works compared to their own. It starts with one of the nastiest descriptions of waking up out of cry sleep, I think I'll pass lol.

Anyway keep it up with your story. Looks interesting. Better to do a full rewrite of a paragraph instead of tinkering with bits of a sentence. Also easier to do when you keep sentences a bit shorter. Also one thing to keep track of is who the main subject is in the chapter. Referring to him by his name works better for me than using references like the driver. He's the one who's thoughts are described, so he should know his name too :)

Biggie for the grammar is that your tense has to remain constant. You switch between narrative past and present.

Its me. obviously, same name.

That's long... But I'll read it now and tell you what I think. I had a look at that thread (looking for your entries) and I saw some comments about Revelation Space - you mentioned that you want to read it. I absolutely recommend it wholeheartedly - the sci part of the sci fi is very satisfying indeed.