Forums - General Discussion - Probably not gonna have kids/my own family and trying to make peace with that

I used to be a very shy person. Didn’t know how to respond to conversations or keep them going. High school drama class helped me out of my shell. Easy A which is why I took it but it ended up helping me to this day. Public speaking, thinking on the spot, getting out of your comfort zone if only for the moment. I’d recommend for you to take some kind of community public speaking course or theatre club. It’s truly a life skill to know how to read a crowd, start a conversation, hold a conversation. I’m still a introvert so I’m exhausted after lol but I hope that helps.

In the romantic department, I had a slump myself after a devastating breakup bout 10 years ago. Looking back we just weren’t compatible. I learned you have to work on yourself before you can even attempt a functioning relationship. After a period of just making myself more well adjusted and motivated then a year ago, I found my now wife purely by chance at a New Years party with some friends.

Point is, I’d recommend to be the best version of yourself right now. Anything that can help your public speaking and social skills will help you for the rest of your life. And one day you will stumble onto somebody who’s on your level. We all think we are uniquely alone when we are single but chances are there’s someone out there who is in a similar spot as you. Just gotta put yourself out there to find them, how you do that is up to you. Just saying if you still have desires for love and family you shouldn’t give up.



Xbox: Best hardware, Game Pass best value, best BC, more 1st party genres and multiplayer titles. 

 

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Hiku said:
curl-6 said:

I always figured that eventually I would "mature" in terms of social and functional development, but it just never happened; I seem perpetually stuck with a child's mind in an adult body, having made no progress at all since my early 20s.

That literally describes every single adult I know from my generation.
The only adults I don't have this perception of are the ones that are significantly older, and/or I don't know them well. And it's probably mainly due to the latter.

As for me I don't want kids. And that can be an issue if you're in a relationship with someone who does.

But what Curl says is more bounded by Autism and it is something that is just very difficult to understand and not that much comparable with others that have a different working brain social wise.

Even parents of most autistic kids will never fully get it.



Immersiveunreality said:
Hiku said:

That literally describes every single adult I know from my generation.
The only adults I don't have this perception of are the ones that are significantly older, and/or I don't know them well. And it's probably mainly due to the latter.

As for me I don't want kids. And that can be an issue if you're in a relationship with someone who does.

But what Curl says is more bounded by Autism and it is something that is just very difficult to understand and not that much comparable with others that have a different working brain social wise.

Even parents of most autistic kids will never fully get it.

Right.

I just added that part to point out that there are people who are ok with not having children. I know a few couples who have been together for many years, and don't.
So if he ends up in another relationship and still doesn't want to have kids, it's not necessarily a deal breaker for everyone.

Last edited by Hiku - on 22 June 2020

Hiku said:
Immersiveunreality said:

But what Curl says is more bounded by Autism and it is something that is just very difficult to understand and not that much comparable with others that have a different working brain social wise.

Even parents of most autistic kids will never fully get it.

Right.

I just added that part to point out that there are people who are ok with not having children. I know a few couples who have been together for many years, and don't.
So if he ends up in another relationship and still doesn't want to have kids, it's not necessarily a deal breaker for everyone.

It's a dilemma to kinda want kids but know you are not the right kinda person to be having them so the most selfless decision is to give up on that dream and not have them,kinda goes against human instinct and against expectations of others close to you.

I hope he learns how to make more ''space'' to be able to deal with a normal/semi normal permanent relation with preferable someone with the same mindset,it is hard to give decent advice on the internet sadly.



Immersiveunreality said:
Hiku said:

Right.

I just added that part to point out that there are people who are ok with not having children. I know a few couples who have been together for many years, and don't.
So if he ends up in another relationship and still doesn't want to have kids, it's not necessarily a deal breaker for everyone.

It's a dilemma to kinda want kids but know you are not the right kinda person to be having them so the most selfless decision is to give up on that dream and not have them,kinda goes against human instinct and against expectations of others close to you.

I hope he learns how to make more ''space'' to be able to deal with a normal/semi normal permanent relation with preferable someone with the same mindset,it is hard to give decent advice on the internet sadly.

My reasons for not wanting children are (probably) mainly different.
But I'm also considering what kind of world they'd be brought into. Which is a bit similar to his concern.

When there are (not uncommonly) people who would deliberately cough in the face of someone that may be immune compromised during a pandemic because that person had the 'nerve' to protect themselves and others from infection, when I feel like there shouldn't even be a single person like that on the planet, it's one of the many many other reasons that makes me think twice.

Though my primary reasons are more personal. I have no desire to have children for starters.

Last edited by Hiku - on 22 June 2020

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A friend of mine did not find a wife or even a girlfriend until his mid forties. He also did not believe he would be a good father but now has 8 kids. The thing is if you truly desire a family then it will come as long as you do not give up. Until then just work on who you are and what you want to be. Fear is what holds us all back when we want to move forward and make progress. When you are able to confront your fears, then you will find yourself moving forward towards what you want.



RolStoppable said:
It's not only men who go through this, so don't worry too much about it and don't give up entirely. In their 20s, women will be picky about their partners, just like men are. But the older people get, the fewer requirements they will expect a potential partner to meet. On top of that, women have to deal with their biological clock, so there's more pressure on them to get kids on their own; men can still become fathers at a (very) high age, women can't become mothers at a high age.

So while it may seem impossible at your current age to find a partner of the same age, your chances for that are going to improve the closer you get to age 40 and above. Right now it probably won't feel uplifting that your only ticket to family may be one out of pity (I am having a bit of trouble to word this appropriately), but by the time it happens you wouldn't mind, because any ticket would be considered better than none.

Thats what people say and what I believed for years, but the honest truth is that it all depends on your possessions/money, your career, your looks, it will always be. 

Sure you get more women interested by late 30's, but not the women you are looking for, most have kids from previous relationships or other problems you probably do not want to deal with.

I personally use glasses and have gone balding, so I just gave up, it's near to impossible now unless I'd accept an obese woman, or if I want to take care of a woman with their 3 children, pay all bills and so on.

If you are looking for a woman who has her life together, and is not obese or alcoholic, and you do not meet the minimum requirements you're out of luck.

Any 3 of the next features will grant you options

- money/your own house fully or mostly paid off

- A great career

- Great hobbies that do not include video games as thats still seen as not attractive, they love men into sports/gymn, travelling, bands, etc

- Not balding

- Not short, if you're less than 5.8ft your options will be limited

- Not obese

- Attractive looks



Do you have family/friends with children?

If raising you own full time isn't an option, it can be very fulfilling to be involved in the development of those close to you.



Thanks for the responses, advice, and encouragement everyone, sorry to go all DairyChartz on you, I should know better by now than to post when I'm feeling down but I guess that's one aspect of what I mean when I say I don't feel like I've matured, despite my best efforts I'm still quite impulsive and have trouble controlling my emotions. I all too often say or post things in an outburst of anger, sadness, or excitement instead of thinking it through.

Feeling a bit better today though.

mysteryman said:
Do you have family/friends with children?

If raising you own full time isn't an option, it can be very fulfilling to be involved in the development of those close to you.

I actually work with kids as a career, I'm a mentor for children with autism. In that capacity I work in both classrooms and support groups as well as on camps, events, and such. And it is indeed very rewarding. I guess I just still have that biological urge to pass my genes on.



Bet with Liquidlaser: I say PS5 and Xbox Series will sell more than 56 million combined by the end of 2023.

At this time in my life, I'm not sure I want kids or a family either. I never thought I would think like this but I just have so much I want to accomplish and I feel that having a family will slow that progress down. I guess society calls it selfishness, and I guess that's got some truth to it. But it's not even like I only want the physical parts of a relationship and don't want to commit to someone, my mind is just not there right now.

I'm uh, 23 by the way so I would guess a lot of people my age feel this way? No? My parents had their first kid at 25 and I'm not even dating at all. Maybe eventually my mindset will change in the future but it's not looking like it anytime soon. My family are also starting to suspect I'm not straight... even though I've told them what I'm telling you right now.

But, I hope things work out for you. Enjoy your life, that's what I feels matters the most. Because one day we'll all be gone. I guess if you want someone to carry your legacy then rethink things, if not...just be you. Some people can't even do something as simple as that, so take pride in it.

Last edited by Ljink96 - on 22 June 2020