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Forums - General Discussion - Probably not gonna have kids/my own family and trying to make peace with that

Hiku said:
Immersiveunreality said:

But what Curl says is more bounded by Autism and it is something that is just very difficult to understand and not that much comparable with others that have a different working brain social wise.

Even parents of most autistic kids will never fully get it.

Right.

I just added that part to point out that there are people who are ok with not having children. I know a few couples who have been together for many years, and don't.
So if he ends up in another relationship and still doesn't want to have kids, it's not necessarily a deal breaker for everyone.

It's a dilemma to kinda want kids but know you are not the right kinda person to be having them so the most selfless decision is to give up on that dream and not have them,kinda goes against human instinct and against expectations of others close to you.

I hope he learns how to make more ''space'' to be able to deal with a normal/semi normal permanent relation with preferable someone with the same mindset,it is hard to give decent advice on the internet sadly.



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A friend of mine did not find a wife or even a girlfriend until his mid forties. He also did not believe he would be a good father but now has 8 kids. The thing is if you truly desire a family then it will come as long as you do not give up. Until then just work on who you are and what you want to be. Fear is what holds us all back when we want to move forward and make progress. When you are able to confront your fears, then you will find yourself moving forward towards what you want.



RolStoppable said:
It's not only men who go through this, so don't worry too much about it and don't give up entirely. In their 20s, women will be picky about their partners, just like men are. But the older people get, the fewer requirements they will expect a potential partner to meet. On top of that, women have to deal with their biological clock, so there's more pressure on them to get kids on their own; men can still become fathers at a (very) high age, women can't become mothers at a high age.

So while it may seem impossible at your current age to find a partner of the same age, your chances for that are going to improve the closer you get to age 40 and above. Right now it probably won't feel uplifting that your only ticket to family may be one out of pity (I am having a bit of trouble to word this appropriately), but by the time it happens you wouldn't mind, because any ticket would be considered better than none.

Thats what people say and what I believed for years, but the honest truth is that it all depends on your possessions/money, your career, your looks, it will always be. 

Sure you get more women interested by late 30's, but not the women you are looking for, most have kids from previous relationships or other problems you probably do not want to deal with.

I personally use glasses and have gone balding, so I just gave up, it's near to impossible now unless I'd accept an obese woman, or if I want to take care of a woman with their 3 children, pay all bills and so on.

If you are looking for a woman who has her life together, and is not obese or alcoholic, and you do not meet the minimum requirements you're out of luck.

Any 3 of the next features will grant you options

- money/your own house fully or mostly paid off

- A great career

- Great hobbies that do not include video games as thats still seen as not attractive, they love men into sports/gymn, travelling, bands, etc

- Not balding

- Not short, if you're less than 5.8ft your options will be limited

- Not obese

- Attractive looks



Do you have family/friends with children?

If raising you own full time isn't an option, it can be very fulfilling to be involved in the development of those close to you.



Thanks for the responses, advice, and encouragement everyone, sorry to go all DairyChartz on you, I should know better by now than to post when I'm feeling down but I guess that's one aspect of what I mean when I say I don't feel like I've matured, despite my best efforts I'm still quite impulsive and have trouble controlling my emotions. I all too often say or post things in an outburst of anger, sadness, or excitement instead of thinking it through.

Feeling a bit better today though.

mysteryman said:
Do you have family/friends with children?

If raising you own full time isn't an option, it can be very fulfilling to be involved in the development of those close to you.

I actually work with kids as a career, I'm a mentor for children with autism. In that capacity I work in both classrooms and support groups as well as on camps, events, and such. And it is indeed very rewarding. I guess I just still have that biological urge to pass my genes on.



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At this time in my life, I'm not sure I want kids or a family either. I never thought I would think like this but I just have so much I want to accomplish and I feel that having a family will slow that progress down. I guess society calls it selfishness, and I guess that's got some truth to it. But it's not even like I only want the physical parts of a relationship and don't want to commit to someone, my mind is just not there right now.

I'm uh, 23 by the way so I would guess a lot of people my age feel this way? No? My parents had their first kid at 25 and I'm not even dating at all. Maybe eventually my mindset will change in the future but it's not looking like it anytime soon. My family are also starting to suspect I'm not straight... even though I've told them what I'm telling you right now.

But, I hope things work out for you. Enjoy your life, that's what I feels matters the most. Because one day we'll all be gone. I guess if you want someone to carry your legacy then rethink things, if not...just be you. Some people can't even do something as simple as that, so take pride in it.

Last edited by Ljink96 - on 22 June 2020

If you want to have a family, you should not "make peace" with not having one.

At the end of the day, you need to meet women. I suggest online dating, and saying yes to any female that is interested. It doesn't matter if they are of interest to you at all. You just need practice. Do that a few times and one of those chicks will probably show some interest in you, which will go a long way to improving your self-confidence and self-esteem. Combine those two things,.and now you can move up the food chain a little bit, and try to find a better woman. It just kind of snowballs. It might take a couple years, but so what? Or, you might get lucky and find that you connect with one of the first few people you meet.

Seriously, just get on the apps, show interest in everyone (literally every member of the gender that you're attracted to) and take whatever you can get. The absolute worst case scenario is that you spend an awkward hour on a date and you never talk to the person again. Who gives a shit about that?



curl-6 said:

Thanks for the responses, advice, and encouragement everyone, sorry to go all DairyChartz on you, I should know better by now than to post when I'm feeling down but I guess that's one aspect of what I mean when I say I don't feel like I've matured, despite my best efforts I'm still quite impulsive and have trouble controlling my emotions. I all too often say or post things in an outburst of anger, sadness, or excitement instead of thinking it through.

Feeling a bit better today though.

mysteryman said:
Do you have family/friends with children?

If raising you own full time isn't an option, it can be very fulfilling to be involved in the development of those close to you.

I actually work with kids as a career, I'm a mentor for children with autism. In that capacity I work in both classrooms and support groups as well as on camps, events, and such. And it is indeed very rewarding. I guess I just still have that biological urge to pass my genes on.

I don't have much to say about the rest of the stuff, but don't be ashamed to vent. As someone who struggles with mental illness, there are several times I've typed out a post and then deleted it because I felt like I would be judged (or maybe more accurately that I'd judge myself) for posting it.  I personally think that being able to ask for support is mature and a healthy coping strategy. 



JWeinCom said:
curl-6 said:

Thanks for the responses, advice, and encouragement everyone, sorry to go all DairyChartz on you, I should know better by now than to post when I'm feeling down but I guess that's one aspect of what I mean when I say I don't feel like I've matured, despite my best efforts I'm still quite impulsive and have trouble controlling my emotions. I all too often say or post things in an outburst of anger, sadness, or excitement instead of thinking it through.

Feeling a bit better today though.

I actually work with kids as a career, I'm a mentor for children with autism. In that capacity I work in both classrooms and support groups as well as on camps, events, and such. And it is indeed very rewarding. I guess I just still have that biological urge to pass my genes on.

I don't have much to say about the rest of the stuff, but don't be ashamed to vent. As someone who struggles with mental illness, there are several times I've typed out a post and then deleted it because I felt like I would be judged (or maybe more accurately that I'd judge myself) for posting it.  I personally think that being able to ask for support is mature and a healthy coping strategy. 

I agree with this mentality completely, I work in youth psychiatry and the biggest problem for most people in dealing with their various issues is that they feel like they'll be judged if they tell about their problems. Men are less likely to share as well, and more often report that they feel misunderstood or even invisible when it comes to mental health issues. That's one of the things I love about this place after all these years; people can listen and even offer advice and there are many threads with good discussions on topics such as mental health, loneliness, and love.

Edit; OP, just noticed that you work with autistic kids! I work in neuropsychiatry, usually overlapping diagnosis (Autism - OCD, and Autism - ADHD are the most common).



curl-6 said:

Thanks for the responses, advice, and encouragement everyone, sorry to go all DairyChartz on you, I should know better by now than to post when I'm feeling down but I guess that's one aspect of what I mean when I say I don't feel like I've matured, despite my best efforts I'm still quite impulsive and have trouble controlling my emotions. I all too often say or post things in an outburst of anger, sadness, or excitement instead of thinking it through.

Feeling a bit better today though.

mysteryman said:
Do you have family/friends with children?

If raising you own full time isn't an option, it can be very fulfilling to be involved in the development of those close to you.

I actually work with kids as a career, I'm a mentor for children with autism. In that capacity I work in both classrooms and support groups as well as on camps, events, and such. And it is indeed very rewarding. I guess I just still have that biological urge to pass my genes on.

You do not need encouragement, like me, you need to find things you love to do, and go for it, there's plenty to get excited about, new consoles are on the horizon, who needs women that will probably ask you to not play games anyway? And if you have kids, you need to quit videogames altogether at least until they are grown up.

If someone tells you you will find someone eventually and to give it time and so on, they are not helping you, they are setting you up for disappointment.

Those are not your friends. You need to hear reality, learn to accept it, learn to move on with life and enjoy other million amazing things you can do with your life.

I'm actually happy now years after that I didn't get marry and kids, because I managed to travel and save lot of money, bought my own 3  bedroom house, fully paid, could never do that if I had a woman and kids, I see my brother married for 12 years, struggling everyday to get enough money to survive, working morning to night with no light at the end of the tunnel, and then I look at myself with extra money in the bank, thinking on taking 6 month holiday per year.

Trust me, being single is great, specially if you are from united states or Uk where women are horrible, they just empty your wallet, they can't cook, don't like to clean, basically you will work double to sustain her.

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Last edited by Bristow9091 - on 23 June 2020