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Forums - General Discussion - Probably not gonna have kids/my own family and trying to make peace with that

If you want a family then don't give up on having one!

I unfortunately don't have kids yet either, but I work with kids and they're just awesome. I'd love to have some of my own and it's something I'm certainly not going to give up on, neither should you.

Plus, you don't really need to be a "good parent". Just don't be a bad one, which is remarkably easy.



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victor83fernandes said:
curl-6 said:

Thanks for the responses, advice, and encouragement everyone, sorry to go all DairyChartz on you, I should know better by now than to post when I'm feeling down but I guess that's one aspect of what I mean when I say I don't feel like I've matured, despite my best efforts I'm still quite impulsive and have trouble controlling my emotions. I all too often say or post things in an outburst of anger, sadness, or excitement instead of thinking it through.

Feeling a bit better today though.

I actually work with kids as a career, I'm a mentor for children with autism. In that capacity I work in both classrooms and support groups as well as on camps, events, and such. And it is indeed very rewarding. I guess I just still have that biological urge to pass my genes on.

You do not need encouragement, like me, you need to find things you love to do, and go for it, there's plenty to get excited about, new consoles are on the horizon, who needs women that will probably ask you to not play games anyway? And if you have kids, you need to quit videogames altogether at least until they are grown up.

If someone tells you you will find someone eventually and to give it time and so on, they are not helping you, they are setting you up for disappointment.

Those are not your friends. You need to hear reality, learn to accept it, learn to move on with life and enjoy other million amazing things you can do with your life.

I'm actually happy now years after that I didn't get marry and kids, because I managed to travel and save lot of money, bought my own 3  bedroom house, fully paid, could never do that if I had a woman and kids, I see my brother married for 12 years, struggling everyday to get enough money to survive, working morning to night with no light at the end of the tunnel, and then I look at myself with extra money in the bank, thinking on taking 6 month holiday per year.

Trust me, being single is great, specially if you are from united states or Uk where women are horrible, they just empty your wallet, they can't cook, don't like to clean, basically you will work double to sustain her.

WTF? Why on earth would you need to quit videogames because you have a kid? If anything it's the opposite. You get to play games with your kid, great fun! That's what my dad did, he played games by himself and with me as well. There's no reason other fathers can't do the same.

Plus if your brother is struggling to get enough money to survive despite working morning to night everyday then it sounds like y'all either live in a shitty country or he's trying to live a ridiculously extravagant lifestyle. I personally have a pretty low income, but it's still enough to afford a 2 bedroom house with a fair bit left over. I could support a family with my job no problem.

And if you think UK/US women are "horrible" you clearly don't know many of them.

Sounds like the only one here who needs to hear and accept reality is you...



Don't worry about it too much. I'm almost 38 and still haven't started. Just got out of 10+ year relationship that was going nowhere. I already have my eye on a few female co-workers. I'm hoping to least start having a family in a few years. I figure if by low 40s then no big deal. I just need to find someone in high 20s/low 30s.



I just stop here after almost 2 years without posting with my bad english :p !

I was like you OP, and when i got 40, i finnaly have meet a perfect girl for me, now i'm 43 and we have a 2years baby girl, i have meet her while traveling in asia and now live in her country !

Do not plan in advance you never know what will happening in Futur !

P.S. I have so much personal problem, before i meet my wife i was very shy & having heavy social anxiety, i have a small schiziophrenia too but in check with medicine. Now i feels good in my life even i play much less and not posting anymore on any forum for make better use of my time with my wife & baby, wish you the best !



Meeting the right person is almost 100% luck. There's a reason so many divorces take place. But if that's your end game, you're going to need to put yourself in a position to get there which means involving yourself in social situations.

Otherwise, get a dog and enjoy working on self-improvement and just enjoy life.



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Well, since this thread turned out much better than expected, I might as well admit that this is the most relatable post I've ever seen on this site. It's brave that you were able to say this kinda stuff in front of others when I couldn't even make a reply earlier. And to top it off the replies are cool (well, except one of them, but the rest are good) !



Hiku said:
Immersiveunreality said:

It's a dilemma to kinda want kids but know you are not the right kinda person to be having them so the most selfless decision is to give up on that dream and not have them,kinda goes against human instinct and against expectations of others close to you.

I hope he learns how to make more ''space'' to be able to deal with a normal/semi normal permanent relation with preferable someone with the same mindset,it is hard to give decent advice on the internet sadly.

My reasons for not wanting children are (probably) mainly different.
But I'm also considering what kind of world they'd be brought into. Which is a bit similar to his concern.

When there are (not uncommonly) people who would deliberately cough in the face of someone that may be immune compromised during a pandemic because that person had the 'nerve' to protect themselves and others from infection, when I feel like there shouldn't even be a single person like that on the planet, it's one of the many many other reasons that makes me think twice.

Though my primary reasons are more personal. I have no desire to have children for starters.

I have a friend that grew up in central Africa as the son of the headchief of a certain tribe, his dad had 7 wives and 40+ children and most still needed to flee war and poverty.The guy really takes it serious that i do not have children yet and he always intertwines his religion partly + a dose of traditionalism because in many regions in africa you need children as some sort of protection for when you get old and get almost no income so its a part of culture there(and insurance).

He does not really get that it is not needed to do that here but in the end i do ofcourse appreciate his concern for me.

It is hard to describe but i always had some sort of father instinct over the younger members in my family and i would protect them at any cost but as much as that same instinct gives myself an urge to have kids,i just need to apply logic to that reasoning and that is what makes me take a step back.

Bolded:Yes never commit to something so important if you think you are not ready for it or when it goes again principles,and the reasoning from the rest of your comment seems pretty thoughtfull. 

Last edited by Immersiveunreality - on 23 June 2020

Immersiveunreality said:

I have a friend that grew up in central Africa as the son of the headchief of a certain tribe, his dad had 7 wives and 40+ children and most still needed to flee war and poverty.The guy really takes it serious that i do not have children yet and he always intertwines his religion partly + a dose of traditionalism because in many regions in africa you need children as some sort of protection for when you get old and get almost no income so its a part of culture there(and insurance).

He does not really get that it is not needed to do that here but at the end i do ofcourse appreciate his concern for me.

It is hard to describe but i always had some sort of father instinct over the younger members in my family and i would protect them at any cost but as much as that same instinct gives myself an urge to have kids,i just need to apply logic to that reasoning and that is what makes me take a step back.

Bolded:Yes never commit to something so important if you think you are not ready for it or when it goes again principles,and the reasoning from the rest of your comment seems pretty thoughtfull. 

Yeah, living situations can vary a lot from place to place. Maybe usually not as extreme as with your friend's example but there are always unique dilemmas for everyone to consider.

I've also thought about potentially having children if it's really important to my significant other. But I think if you're not ready or enthusiastic about it, it's probably not a good idea.



AngryLittleAlchemist said:
Well, since this thread turned out much better than expected, I might as well admit that this is the most relatable post I've ever seen on this site. It's brave that you were able to say this kinda stuff in front of others when I couldn't even make a reply earlier. And to top it off the replies are cool (well, except one of them, but the rest are good) !

Thanks man. :) That's why VGChartz is my favourite forum, we've got good people here.

Farsala said:
Have kids, or don't. It doesn't matter if they get autism, they deserve a life too. And if you truly wanted a kid, their ailments won't matter to you either. All kids will have problems that need to be solved.

It's not the autism that worries me, more that a tendency for OCD, anxiety, and depression run in my family. But point taken.



Bet with Liquidlaser: I say PS5 and Xbox Series will sell more than 56 million combined by the end of 2023.

I think the major problem people have with being afraid to pursue relationships is that they don't realize the very basic truth - women are just people, you really don't need to treat a woman like some kind of foreign creature.

The vast majority of women will say yes to a coffee if you even have the most basic purpose to ask. "Oh yeah? You work in realty? Listen, I've actually been considering getting into property flipping WAAAAY down the road... blah blah blah" wait to see if she has any advice on that, and then try to chat more, and then "Listen, I'm a little busy, but perhaps we can grab a coffee some time?" Or, "Oh! You work with So-and-so, well... I actually have some questions about that guy and his business, if it's not too much, perhaps we can grab a coffee to discuss the blah blah thing So-and-so is working on." And just remember, women are only people.

And these women you are asking out for coffees aren't even necessarily ones you'll wanna date, this is networking. But women generally know other women, and women LOVE to introduce people to one another. Just keep networking, and flirting around, and eventually ask someone out for some drinks.

Now, if you're looking for romance - a trick I always used to use is party hopping, basically I was always going someplace else more exciting (usually the party-bar-party formula works, because people at bars are looking for a party and people at parties are looking to go out to the bars), and I'd try to gauge which women were interested in coming along. You really just need to drum up hype for it.... but don't be a douche and try to kill someone's party if they want people there.

I don't even think you need any spectacular social skills or anything to meet women, you really just have to be a human being with some kind of topic. It's basically not any different than drumming up interest for a forum post, just talking instead of writing.

Also, keep in mind, if you look for women you WILL eventually find them. There are disgusting numbers of single women looking for relationships out there, and contrary to popular belief in the MRA communities, about 90% of women are quite good company... And the really interesting thing is that women who are generally more attractive/more intelligent women seem to be also be much more open to simple-casual dating.

Flirt a little, then some more, and if she says she's not seeing anyone, or indicates it, that's usually the "check" moment, don't be afraid to go in for a kiss at the end of a date, the most clear sign she wants one is a smile, that's the checkmate moment. And sealing the kiss, and you have options then: don't get desperate and try to push your luck that night unless she brings it up first, because you'll pretty much certainly be getting some action on the next date; and as you're anticipating it, so is she.

I mean, that's not to say you can't get action on the first date; but usually that deal is sealed pretty early on in the date, not late in it. There's a difference between flirting and outright hitting on someone. If you take her out to a club, and dance with her, sparks might fly there, and then you know things can go further (it's never a mystery).

Anyway, I'm just ranting and rambling. I've been out of the dating game for a long time now, but I can't imagine much has changed in the past decade and a bit. I still ask women out for coffee with no romantic intent (although, sometimes women can get confused on that, even when they see the ring on my finger); but for the "blah blah blah" reasons above, just far more honest about the reason we're going out for coffee =P

Actually, I will say this, try to make the reason you're going out honest, because if they know it's bullshit, then you sort of break the flirting spell. People in general like honesty, and they like people being themselves, so make sure you do that. And there is a world of difference between being yourself and doing things that you yourself don't necessarily do, like "asking people out to coffee is not in my personality" isn't really a thing.

AHHHH! I'm going on and on again. Need to get back to work.



I describe myself as a little dose of toxic masculinity.