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Forums - General Discussion - Probably not gonna have kids/my own family and trying to make peace with that

If you want to have a family, you should not "make peace" with not having one.

At the end of the day, you need to meet women. I suggest online dating, and saying yes to any female that is interested. It doesn't matter if they are of interest to you at all. You just need practice. Do that a few times and one of those chicks will probably show some interest in you, which will go a long way to improving your self-confidence and self-esteem. Combine those two things,.and now you can move up the food chain a little bit, and try to find a better woman. It just kind of snowballs. It might take a couple years, but so what? Or, you might get lucky and find that you connect with one of the first few people you meet.

Seriously, just get on the apps, show interest in everyone (literally every member of the gender that you're attracted to) and take whatever you can get. The absolute worst case scenario is that you spend an awkward hour on a date and you never talk to the person again. Who gives a shit about that?



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curl-6 said:

Thanks for the responses, advice, and encouragement everyone, sorry to go all DairyChartz on you, I should know better by now than to post when I'm feeling down but I guess that's one aspect of what I mean when I say I don't feel like I've matured, despite my best efforts I'm still quite impulsive and have trouble controlling my emotions. I all too often say or post things in an outburst of anger, sadness, or excitement instead of thinking it through.

Feeling a bit better today though.

mysteryman said:
Do you have family/friends with children?

If raising you own full time isn't an option, it can be very fulfilling to be involved in the development of those close to you.

I actually work with kids as a career, I'm a mentor for children with autism. In that capacity I work in both classrooms and support groups as well as on camps, events, and such. And it is indeed very rewarding. I guess I just still have that biological urge to pass my genes on.

I don't have much to say about the rest of the stuff, but don't be ashamed to vent. As someone who struggles with mental illness, there are several times I've typed out a post and then deleted it because I felt like I would be judged (or maybe more accurately that I'd judge myself) for posting it.  I personally think that being able to ask for support is mature and a healthy coping strategy. 



JWeinCom said:
curl-6 said:

Thanks for the responses, advice, and encouragement everyone, sorry to go all DairyChartz on you, I should know better by now than to post when I'm feeling down but I guess that's one aspect of what I mean when I say I don't feel like I've matured, despite my best efforts I'm still quite impulsive and have trouble controlling my emotions. I all too often say or post things in an outburst of anger, sadness, or excitement instead of thinking it through.

Feeling a bit better today though.

I actually work with kids as a career, I'm a mentor for children with autism. In that capacity I work in both classrooms and support groups as well as on camps, events, and such. And it is indeed very rewarding. I guess I just still have that biological urge to pass my genes on.

I don't have much to say about the rest of the stuff, but don't be ashamed to vent. As someone who struggles with mental illness, there are several times I've typed out a post and then deleted it because I felt like I would be judged (or maybe more accurately that I'd judge myself) for posting it.  I personally think that being able to ask for support is mature and a healthy coping strategy. 

I agree with this mentality completely, I work in youth psychiatry and the biggest problem for most people in dealing with their various issues is that they feel like they'll be judged if they tell about their problems. Men are less likely to share as well, and more often report that they feel misunderstood or even invisible when it comes to mental health issues. That's one of the things I love about this place after all these years; people can listen and even offer advice and there are many threads with good discussions on topics such as mental health, loneliness, and love.

Edit; OP, just noticed that you work with autistic kids! I work in neuropsychiatry, usually overlapping diagnosis (Autism - OCD, and Autism - ADHD are the most common).



curl-6 said:

Thanks for the responses, advice, and encouragement everyone, sorry to go all DairyChartz on you, I should know better by now than to post when I'm feeling down but I guess that's one aspect of what I mean when I say I don't feel like I've matured, despite my best efforts I'm still quite impulsive and have trouble controlling my emotions. I all too often say or post things in an outburst of anger, sadness, or excitement instead of thinking it through.

Feeling a bit better today though.

mysteryman said:
Do you have family/friends with children?

If raising you own full time isn't an option, it can be very fulfilling to be involved in the development of those close to you.

I actually work with kids as a career, I'm a mentor for children with autism. In that capacity I work in both classrooms and support groups as well as on camps, events, and such. And it is indeed very rewarding. I guess I just still have that biological urge to pass my genes on.

You do not need encouragement, like me, you need to find things you love to do, and go for it, there's plenty to get excited about, new consoles are on the horizon, who needs women that will probably ask you to not play games anyway? And if you have kids, you need to quit videogames altogether at least until they are grown up.

If someone tells you you will find someone eventually and to give it time and so on, they are not helping you, they are setting you up for disappointment.

Those are not your friends. You need to hear reality, learn to accept it, learn to move on with life and enjoy other million amazing things you can do with your life.

I'm actually happy now years after that I didn't get marry and kids, because I managed to travel and save lot of money, bought my own 3  bedroom house, fully paid, could never do that if I had a woman and kids, I see my brother married for 12 years, struggling everyday to get enough money to survive, working morning to night with no light at the end of the tunnel, and then I look at myself with extra money in the bank, thinking on taking 6 month holiday per year.

Trust me, being single is great, specially if you are from united states or Uk where women are horrible, they just empty your wallet, they can't cook, don't like to clean, basically you will work double to sustain her.

User moderated - Bristow9091

Last edited by Bristow9091 - on 23 June 2020

Have kids, or don't. It doesn't matter if they get autism, they deserve a life too. And if you truly wanted a kid, their ailments won't matter to you either. All kids will have problems that need to be solved.

I desired to have kids before 30, but it looks like it won't happen. Next goal: have kids before I am 31.



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Farsala said:

I desired to have kids before 30, but it looks like it won't happen. Next goal: have kids before I am 31.

I came from a family of six.  My parents had those kids between the ages of 23 and 31.  I always figured I'd have a few kids in my twenties as well.  That's what I wanted.  But, I have only one infant child, and my 40th birthday is next month. 

A few years ago, I was starting to think maybe it wouldn't happen for me.  My last serious relationship (prior to my marriage) ended in 2010, when I was 30.  I went a few years without one.  I never gave up, but I figured there was a real chance that I just wasn't going to meet a woman to spend my life with, have kids with, etc. But, I eventually did meet that person. Then we weren't able to get pregnant for two years, so the thoughts of no kids kicked up again.  Eventually, that happened too.  In other words, my life didn't go according to plan, but it still worked out great. 

The same can happen for anyone, so long as you continue to stay open to the possibilities.  So, don't give up on the idea of a family if that is what you want.  You might be 50 before you get started, but it can still be just as great.  Or, maybe you'll meet the woman tomorrow.  



VAMatt said:
Farsala said:

I desired to have kids before 30, but it looks like it won't happen. Next goal: have kids before I am 31.

I came from a family of six.  My parents had those kids between the ages of 23 and 31.  I always figured I'd have a few kids in my twenties as well.  That's what I wanted.  But, I have only one infant child, and my 40th birthday is next month. 

A few years ago, I was starting to think maybe it wouldn't happen for me.  My last serious relationship (prior to my marriage) ended in 2010, when I was 30.  I went a few years without one.  I never gave up, but I figured there was a real chance that I just wasn't going to meet a woman to spend my life with, have kids with, etc. But, I eventually did meet that person. Then we weren't able to get pregnant for two years, so the thoughts of no kids kicked up again.  Eventually, that happened too.  In other words, my life didn't go according to plan, but it still worked out great. 

The same can happen for anyone, so long as you continue to stay open to the possibilities.  So, don't give up on the idea of a family if that is what you want.  You might be 50 before you get started, but it can still be just as great.  Or, maybe you'll meet the woman tomorrow.  

My father had his first kid at 23, and just now had a kid at 53. I plan on living to be 100, but I want to see my kids grow up to be at least 30s or 40, so that is my main desire for having kids early. I also want many kids, but I don't want one when I am old and might die before they can support themselves. So while the hope for children is still strong, it is the still healthy me part that isn't going as strong, the older I get. It is just my responsibility to be as healthy as I can I suppose.

Edit: And I am sure you are well aware by now, but one reason it could have been so difficult to have a child is due to decreased fertility with age. Not only that but as the quality of the sperm decreases with age, the more likely a weaker sperm meets the egg and birth defects or worse happen. I wish I was rich enough to freeze my sperm, so that it is less risky in the future for my partner.

Last edited by Farsala - on 23 June 2020

Farsala said:
VAMatt said:

I came from a family of six.  My parents had those kids between the ages of 23 and 31.  I always figured I'd have a few kids in my twenties as well.  That's what I wanted.  But, I have only one infant child, and my 40th birthday is next month. 

A few years ago, I was starting to think maybe it wouldn't happen for me.  My last serious relationship (prior to my marriage) ended in 2010, when I was 30.  I went a few years without one.  I never gave up, but I figured there was a real chance that I just wasn't going to meet a woman to spend my life with, have kids with, etc. But, I eventually did meet that person. Then we weren't able to get pregnant for two years, so the thoughts of no kids kicked up again.  Eventually, that happened too.  In other words, my life didn't go according to plan, but it still worked out great. 

The same can happen for anyone, so long as you continue to stay open to the possibilities.  So, don't give up on the idea of a family if that is what you want.  You might be 50 before you get started, but it can still be just as great.  Or, maybe you'll meet the woman tomorrow.  

My father had his first kid at 23, and just now had a kid at 53. I plan on living to be 100, but I want to see my kids grow up to be at least 30s or 40, so that is my main desire for having kids early. I also want many kids, but I don't want one when I am old and might die before they can support themselves. So while the hope for children is still strong, it is the still healthy me part that isn't going as strong, the older I get. It is just my responsibility to be as healthy as I can I suppose.

Edit: And I am sure you are well aware by now, but one reason it could have been so difficult to have a child is due to decreased fertility with age. Not only that but as the quality of the sperm decreases with age, the more likely a weaker sperm meets the egg and birth defects or worse happen. I wish I was rich enough to freeze my sperm, so that it is less risky in the future for my partner.

Well, it is 2020, and there are many ways to "have" a child.  There are lots of options, so the door never really closes unless we shut it.  



curl-6 said:

Thanks for the responses, advice, and encouragement everyone, sorry to go all DairyChartz on you, I should know better by now than to post when I'm feeling down but I guess that's one aspect of what I mean when I say I don't feel like I've matured, despite my best efforts I'm still quite impulsive and have trouble controlling my emotions. I all too often say or post things in an outburst of anger, sadness, or excitement instead of thinking it through.

Feeling a bit better today though.

mysteryman said:
Do you have family/friends with children?

If raising you own full time isn't an option, it can be very fulfilling to be involved in the development of those close to you.

I actually work with kids as a career, I'm a mentor for children with autism. In that capacity I work in both classrooms and support groups as well as on camps, events, and such. And it is indeed very rewarding. I guess I just still have that biological urge to pass my genes on.

That's awesome stuff :) Definitely not an easy job.

Focusing on yourself is a good way to find someone ironically. Once you take that pressure off yourself, stop beating yourself up about it, and just spend some time doing what you like and things to improve yourself, you'll be in a better position to draw someone into your own happiness.

Doing activities/hobbies you enjoy with groups is really helpful too. You'll be around people that share some interests with you, which also helps as a natural icebreaker. My cousin ended up meeting meeting his wife at Swordcraft :)



victor83fernandes said:

You do not need encouragement, like me, you need to find things you love to do, and go for it, there's plenty to get excited about, new consoles are on the horizon, who needs women that will probably ask you to not play games anyway? And if you have kids, you need to quit videogames altogether at least until they are grown up.

If someone tells you you will find someone eventually and to give it time and so on, they are not helping you, they are setting you up for disappointment.

Those are not your friends. You need to hear reality, learn to accept it, learn to move on with life and enjoy other million amazing things you can do with your life.

I'm actually happy now years after that I didn't get marry and kids, because I managed to travel and save lot of money, bought my own 3  bedroom house, fully paid, could never do that if I had a woman and kids, I see my brother married for 12 years, struggling everyday to get enough money to survive, working morning to night with no light at the end of the tunnel, and then I look at myself with extra money in the bank, thinking on taking 6 month holiday per year.

Trust me, being single is great, specially if you are from united states or Uk where women are horrible, they just empty your wallet, they can't cook, don't like to clean, basically you will work double to sustain her.

Okay so I just have to ask... what the actual fuck are you even talking about?

I've been with my girlfriend for five years now, we own a four bedroom house, she's as big a gamer as I am (maybe even bigger, since she owns more consoles...) and she earns double what I earned from my previous job, enough to support the both of us entirely with plenty of money left over. My brother has a fiancee, they have a three bedroom house and a three year old kid, and guess what... neither of them had to stop gaming to raise him, they just cut down the amount they play while he's around, but once they're off work and either of their parents have him for the day, they both go on 12+ hour gaming sessions. Generalising women from the US and UK as being horrible and then going into some of the most sexist stereotypes ever is just you being a complete and utter moron.

It's actually embarrassing that people still think the way you do...