| trasharmdsister12 said: This morning I asked myself "What do you want in life right now?". The answer was obvious - "To be happy". I pushed on with "And what makes me happy?" That's where the conversation stopped. I couldn't think of anything. I'm still thinking about it now. I've locked myself in my boss's office (he's not here today) and I've been just sitting here thinking about it. Sure there are small pleasures and joys. Catching a difficult Pokemon, fixing that tough bug at work, making someone laugh... But it's all meaningless and exists just for a moment. Then I asked "Does general happiness even exist? Or are we all just living moment by moment with our emotions?". If it does exist, I'm lead back to my initial question "What makes me happy?" and we know where that ends. However, if it doesn't exist then my search for it has ended and I've already come to the conclusion that I'm meant to feel this way for the rest of my time here. My questions weren't meant to be answered. They were just there for people to consider as I explain myself. Much like yourself I've believed that for ages. But it has wore thin for me. I've taken a step back from believing the individual balance of my life (I've seen a lot of bad - the good is just around the corner) and thought "What if my entire purpose is to suffer? What if my purpose is to soak up pain and suffering in balance to someone else's glory and happiness? What if I'm that part of God's equation of balance?". It's a dangerous thought and it perhaps falsely reinforces my current feeling of helplessness. But one has to wonder its validity in the face of all of this. And I don't mean to bring you down or just pointless argue down anyone who is reaching out to me here. I appreciate it all guys. I really do. I've analyzed the shit out of this situation as you can see. I want to keep being asked questions and forcing myself to answer them. I don't trust my own questions as I may just be tricking myself into reinforcing my helplessness. I want to share my analysis and thought pattern (we're still only half way into the depths of my analysis) and hopefully have someone ask the right question that makes me think otherwise. Afterall, these forums are for healthy discussion - and it's about time I start adding my own share of it again. |
The bolded part is actually one of the things that has put an anchor to my mind in these past months. Sure, as you said, those are just small pleasures and probably meaningless in the larger scope of things/life, but to me, life's made of those small things, especially since the "big" things, for me, have been filled with nothing but dissapointment and overall grief.
Those thoughts are actually pretty common, because as much as we'd like to think that we can storm the difficulties of the present and try to see deep into the future, one of the biggest truths in life (at least from what I learned in my short 27 years) is that we cannot do that, no matter how much we try. And when that realization hits hard at home, then it begins to consume you from within like a parasite, growing bigger and bigger as you're crippling deeper into so much self-absorbing doubt, you can't begin to see when does your pain starts and your sadness ends.
But you've got to ask yourself this: Are you sure that finding what makes you happy, will trully make you happy? Think back to all those years where you struggled and fought your way into the situation you're right now. In those times, we're you happy? Or to put it better, did you feel happier? Because sometimes, the pursuit of happiness, within itself, does much more good to the soul and mind than the actual state of happiness, which is as transient and fleeting as a warm breeze in the middle of winter.
Current PC Build
CPU - i7 8700K 3.7 GHz (4.7 GHz turbo) 6 cores OC'd to 5.2 GHz with Watercooling (Hydro Series H110i) | MB - Gigabyte Z370 HD3P ATX | Gigabyte GTX 1080ti Gaming OC BLACK 11G (1657 MHz Boost Core / 11010 MHz Memory) | RAM - Corsair DIMM 32GB DDR4, 2400 MHz | PSU - Corsair CX650M (80+ Bronze) 650W | Audio - Asus Essence STX II 7.1 | Monitor - Samsung U28E590D 4K UHD, Freesync, 1 ms, 60 Hz, 28"
