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Forums - General Discussion - Scifi fans, can you give an opinion about this prologue? is it too long/ grammar sucks / lame/ is it fun to read / confusing ...etc

The other thread about nanomachines made me want to share a story that I love writing , I've already wrote a lot but I still want to put the parts together to make it fun to read rather than confusing, it arcs into different chapters from very different characters that will at one point meet up, as a reader I feel like its very very slow paced especially since i'm planning on writing about the character's childhood / origins is that a good thing? , like a chapter that shows character X's teenage years and then the next chapter it skips to the character's older years, and since I don't want to have a central character I feel that this is going to make it very very slow paced...

anyways this is the prologue what do you think? (also you might get the obvious Iggy Pop reference)

I started writing this story a long while ago, I was going to make it a short story but the more I write the more I want to make it bigger, it used to be called "ELYZIUM" but thanks to the movie that was released recently I will instead change it to "The Elyzian Fields" and the first book is called "Sleepless Souls" 

 






           “Man is so infinitely small

in all these stars, determinate.

Maker and moulder of them all

Man is so infinitely great!”



- Aleister Crowley , At Sea.






The Sleepless Souls…




-PROLOGUE-
THE PASSENGER


“Soon the light will fade. The light of the sun will no longer find us, as do we it, such is true as the light within us, Soon the light will fade...

I say this to you as not a leader, a scientist, a philosopher, a teacher nor as a friend. I say this as a fellow man. Abandon your gods and kings like they have abandoned you, break free from the shackles of morality, the bounds of immortality, the cycle of humility and death, for we can conquer our own fate, and become benefactors of our own destiny, we shall not hesitate any longer, for the light will soon fade! “


- Franz Rosseau , Age Of Shadows I  




“Okay, Watcher checkpoint up ahead, just stay calm and let them scan your Peddie”


It was a silent still hour in Sector 52 of  B4 Elyzium.  A cargo vehicle glided slowly toward a watcher checkpoint.  distant lights fleeting in every blink of a second, and with every blink, the driver and the passenger appear and disappear from view. The driver with stubble unshaven beard, young of age, brown of hair, pale of skin with barely any complexions, was gripping on a wheel tightly as they approach their next checkpoint. He wore a shiny silver-colored ring on his middle finger. The passenger, blonde greasy shoulder haired man, very thin, slightly older with a darker skin.


“Just do what you always do, and you’ll be fine, do not worry.”


Under them there were myriad of lights, lights of late hour stores, vehicles, houses, sign lights. over them, up in the distance almost too far in the distance, there was even brighter lights. there were guiding holographic yellow lights floating in mid air blinking and curving upwards while more curved downwards. numbers between the curved lights display speed limits and distance remaining of each virtual road, the driver having switched to manual pilot mode, descended down the path.

“Are you sure they won’t scan our cargo?” the drive with sweat on his forehead worried that he is  not getting the answer he wanted. He turned his head to the passenger and asked again “are you sure they’re not going to trace those things back there-” he stuttered and started to sound even more nervous “ and n-not going to show on their screens?!”


“I’ve done this a billion times before, relax now” the passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder.

“What about him?” the driver shook his head to the right slightly, pointing at the back seat. In the dark barely visible there was a tall muscular man lying on the ground beaten and bloodied. His hands bound behind his back by his wrists, and his neck is cuffed to a railing. His face was covered with a cloth that grew somewhat bigger and smaller as the man struggles to exhale and inhale. The driver didn't know if he was more nervous about the man waking up, or the fact that they might get in trouble with the Watchers. The man -from how big he looked- could easily kill both of them, without a sweat if he was not bond by chains.





“Him? What about him? oh they won’t notice him either-” he grimaced “-and by the time they do, If they ever do that is, he’ll be already dead and gone”

“Is he really a..?”

“Mercenary”

“So he is a Mercen-?!" He swallowed his own words and then said, "How did you?! ”

“Filthy BTB scum thinking they can just strut into every colony and do whatever the fuck they please” the man’s apathetic mood turned more aggressive. He shook his fist angrily and said. “this one we caught sneaking into our warehouse trying to take back the ships we smuggled out of KiboYume”

“Alone...?”

“Greed drives these people. He might as well go at it alone so he would grab all the money for himself. He was probably hired by those smuggler shits” his face twisted ”He already killed four of our guys single-handedly, and was this fucking close-” the passenger held up both his hands closer to each other “-from finishing the job”

the driver gasped. Why are you telling me this now? Are you trying to make me go crazy?

“However, we caught him and that's what matter right now. We got him after he tripped out one of the ship’s security systems that we installed after getting rid of the old one” he laughed slightly.

“An idiot if you ask me, he tried running away. but nevertheless, we caught him like a Kesslerian rat, hiding behind boxes.”

“Why in the dark are we taking him with us then?” the driver almost lost his wits trying to control himself.



“Later..." he signaled with his eyes to the road. The driver didn’t notice they were that close to the checkpoint “we have other things to worry about at the moment, keep calm” the driver nervously gasped for air. They already reached the checkpoint. A big pulsating red beacon on top of the guard’s post keeps rotating signaling a checkpoint almost making him go blind. In front of them a giant magnetic-field gate blocking their path. under them, there were multiple landing zones and guard posts. on the side of the guard post, there are two inactive turrets. On the sides of the landing zone there were force field projectors and on the middle of the landing zone; a proximity sensor.


The driver reached out his hand toward the “Hover mode” icon between the driver and the passenger seat his hand was shaking, the passenger pressed the button on his behalf and then tapped on the driver’s shoulder to calm him down, it made him even more nervous.


They hover slowly down toward the landing zone, a ‘Watcher’ with a standard issue Hahn-XIV rifle and a fully armored black exoskeleton with a red “Elyzian Fields” symbol on his back stands near the guard post. Why is there a guard here? an Elyzian Fields guard?! , aren’t AI turrets and forcefields enough?!


As if he read the driver’s mind the passenger spoke “The deeper you go lower in Elyzium the more strict the security measures become, E.F guards are common here , its the closest place to their HQ after all...”

“How deep are we going to go?”

“Not really deep”

“What kind of people live in this place?”

“The kind that I wouldn’t call people ” he shrugged as he said those last words “The kind that people would not want among other people”


“Passengers of LZ 6, place your hands on your seats.” Said a voice through the vehicle’s inner speaker, a blinding light switched on toward the front seats, the driver did not dare to look back but he was sure they would probably see the cargo by now and the man in the back as well …. but they didn’t…  

Now just a silhouette behind the light the guard watcher seemed way too closer for him to feel comfortable. The passenger placed both his hands on the armrests of the seat, strapped around his right wrist a PDA’s frontal screen lights up. The driver did the same slowly as his hands uncontrollably shook, colored lights flashed and blinked all around the vehicle, scanning it from top to bottom.


“Performing Security's scan” a digitized voice different from the one before spoke out of the speakers, their PDAs began to blink green lights, “Validating…” they waited. The driver could not stop sweating. “Checking records” he looked around and especially toward the watcher “Analyzing...'” the turrets are now active; they were pointed toward them “Logging…',  please let this through, please let this through… “Confirming...”


“Calm down…” the passengers voice that was just a minute ago rough and vulgar became strangely soothing.

“I’ve done this a lot of times. They won’t notice a thing”

“Scan completed..."

“Reviewing...”


There was a slight pause…


“Mister Schmidt and Mister Osterberg” the human voice returned from the speaker, pressing a button Schmidt the driver spoke “Y-yes?” his voice was filled with hesitation.

“Yep” by contrast the passenger mouthed the word without a hint of hesitation.

“You may proceed. However..." there was another slight pause.

“...It says here that mister Schmidt committed a felony for..." The watcher paused to read. The driver's face went pale ".... illegal parking in Sector 5 of F1 at around 8:20 Luminous Hours. We will have to charge 500 credits from you for it on top of the checkpoint tax which is 20. And if you cannot afford it, it will be charged on your next payroll, is that clear mister Schmidt?”


“Yessir” Schmidt said confidently now, the force-field evaporates in front of them. The turrets returned to their inactive state, and the lights were turned off. Mr. Schmidt -the driver- laid back on his chair in relief and switched to flight mode again. His sweat dried out. Afterwards, a sudden pat on his back frightened him “Good job!” the passenger shouted and then said sarcastically“you managed not to piss your pants”

you scared the shit out of me “Thanks..."


“Name’s Osterberg, by the way-” he placed his right hand on his chest and bowed his head slightly “- James Osterberg from Usonia. You can call me Iggy, and you are?””

“Alan Schmidt fro- err-...a .. pleasure to meet you” Alan placed his right hand on his chest and bowed his head as well.


Iggy snickered “don’t worry you don’t have to tell me where you’re from, I’m pretty sure you haven’t been this far down Elyzium, so that eliminates the fact that you're from here” he grinned “you also took it better than the first time I did it” Iggy dug his hand in his own pocket and brought up a smoking pipe. Alan then mouthed, “Usonia... that's a long way from here” Iggy scoffed and ignored his comment “Care if I smoke?”


“Not at all” Alan shifted his head forward. He looks at the rear-view projector on the left side of his wheel.  They are already a long way past the checkpoint. The red rotating signal lights became practically too far to see. Alan was overwhelmed with relief almost forgetting that they had a tied murdering psychopath in the rear  seats, Iggy ignited the pipe and puffed a cloud of smoke. His PDA blinked a light, a tiny holographic bubble with a text-based smiley face, and an exclamation mark with the number “1” popped up on top of the frontal screen signaling a new message received. He touched it with his finger virtually popping it up to reveal a message “You are charged with 520 credits by EFWD you current balance is 2525” Alan scowled and flicked his finger deleting the message.


So close to going broke, if this keeps up, there would be no husband nor wife, and then no one would look at you, and you won’t find anything to chew. Alan was deep in thought as he drove away, he later looked at Iggy, who seems to be gazing silently outside in the distance. With his smoking pipe in his mouth, His PDA blinked, but he ignored it. He let out another cloud of smoke.



“So how did you do it?” Alan spoke , Iggy turned his head toward him without a word “How did they not track what we’re carrying? How did they not see him back there?”

Iggy inhaled again on the pipe and exhaled, and went back to his gaze at the empty hollow skies “Its easy really. It's as simple as redirecting light”

“Really?”

“Hey that's what that brainiac David we met earlier told me. I really don’t know how it works to be honest”

“What about him?” he pointed with his thumb toward the back “after all you didn’t expect him to be coming along”

Iggy sighed, he wished he wouldn't bring him up repeatedly.

“Well... that one I don’t really know for sure, David told me that he would not be tracked by the scanners, and I trust the gang. They never broke their word before”


“So tell me Alan” iggy took the pipe out of his mouth “what made you do this? , You don’t seem like the greedy scum type like our boy back there..."


Alan looked down and later his eyes locked onto the ring he was wearing on his middle finger “I …. owe.. a lot of people” he sighed “I can do this and just move on with my life, I can pay what I owe and then start a family…start from scratch, start anew”

“That's nice, an illuminated future ahead of you...”

“What about you Iggy? family members? any woman in your life?”


Iggy let out an agonizing laugh that seemed to be a cry “Woman? no. Family? dead. future? Never will be any. BTB scum like that shit back there took it all from me” his voice turned menacing “Do you know what I used to be? , I used to be a doctor in training. Yep I could have been one of them ironically. The 'Doctors Beyond the Boundaries' or DBTB” he started to laugh “but no. Our medical team got attacked by fucking mercs. because someone apparently trafficked our stuff from Usonia to somewhere else. Apparently, he dealt with a lot of shady people, so in the end naturally he was placed on the hit list by whoever he pissed off and as to no surprise, he was killed by Mercenaries. It seems getting jailed by Usonian enforcements is so old fashioned, our team quickly got disbanded of course, and placed on the blacklist by our government. And because I don’t work with an independent medical team, I had to suck it up. Irony is the fact that DBTB is exactly like that. They don’t follow any rules at all and no morality for the sake of ‘Medical Science Innovation’, and no one even gives a pitched dark about it. So why is it so bad for us normal people if we ever make mistakes? And why would our own government punish us for actually following their rules? it’s like they want doctors to join the BTB fucks, of course after that no other medial firm accepted me, and my life turned into the shitter. With my family gone, my woman leaving me, I just went from one bar to another drinking myself to sleep”


Iggy puffed another cloud of smoke. Alan now felt a lot more sympathy toward the man, who an hour or so ago felt that he is no better than the assholes that he owed money to. The ones that messed up his life, it seems we’re not much different at all. He thought.





“And you know what?" Iggy seemed to feel more comfortable chatting about himself "Those stooges I’m with, they were just like me. Ex-biologists, ex-chemists and what have you, they took me in, gave me a job. You might find this job immoral as well, but at least it is something. And its sure as hell less immoral than the shit the DBTB does” he let out a slight smile showing his yellow teeth.

“ And now this is my life, and that is my new family” pointing backwards as to the gang they met before.


“Hey Iggy, I don’t want to intrude or anything, but-”  Iggy took his smoke pipe out and stared at Alan “- why are we taking him with us anyways?” Alan pointed at the man in the back. He knew he asked the question before, but he cannot overcome his worry.


“that's a good question my friend-” he shook his pipe  “-sadly a question that I do not know the answer for. The boys just wanted him alive” he put the smoke pipe back to his mouth “if I guessed, It would be that they probably want to interrogate him and ask him who would send him'” he shrugged “I could not care less what they do to him, I would enjoy seeing him getting beaten by the boys”


Iggy leaned to the side and said, “and by the way, if you’re wondering what we’re smuggling, it's Usonian gunnery, the best kind, the kind that makes shit like him not mess with normal people like us” he smiled a bit “Boy, do I sound patriotic. I hate Usonia just as much as I hate this place. After all, I wouldn’t be here if I wasn’t forced to leave and become a real 'wild child' if you will. but again, you gotta give it to ‘em their weapons are state of the art.”


Just moments later after a brief pause, Iggy spoke again “there it is. Park right there, we’ve arrived” Iggy pointed at a dark empty space in the middle of nowhere. Alan descended slowly to land, “Alan it's been a pleasure. I’m sure Ron will pay you greatly for what you did-” he picks up his smoking pipe and points it toward Alan “-and hopefully you’ll be able to get your life back together” Alan nodded silently as he lands the vehicle. Iggy jumps to the back seat, out of nowhere an electric taser shows up in his hand. He untied the man and pressed a button on the side opening the cargo door, he zapped the man with the taser and shouted “Are ya feeling lucky tonight asshole? , because I am feelin’ lucky tonight” he put his smoking pipe in his mouth again and then kicked the man in the waist “All aboard for Funtime!” he shouted. The man rolled inaudibly, without a moan of pain or even a sound.


Alan trying not to get in his way got out of the vehicle from the side. Iggy hit a switch switching on the lights. The room was cold, humid and misty, there were lots of liquid containers and glassware. A stack of glass cupboards filled with empty flasks of distinctive shapes and sizes, tubes and hoses connected with radiators and heat sinks. There was a stack of three closed refrigerators. On another side of the room, shiny gold red and blue flasks of different chemicals mildly boiling on top of burners in a cloud of smoke that is sucked into air vents up to the top. They seem to have been boiling for some time now. One of the flasks had a funnel on top, and the other had a mixing rod floating on its liquid. Alan knew for sure he was down at a drug lab.


There was a chair in the middle of the lab. Iggy tied the man to by the back of his wrist and around his waist onto it. The man offered no resistance, as if he was tranquilized or sedated. Iggy’s voice echoed in the room as he spoke to his PDA “I’m there!” and afterwards looked at Alan “Now let's see..." Iggy wore a pair of gloves and later turned the burners off. The boiling stopped he picked up the mixing rod and red flask; examining it. He stirred it with the rod and then shook it slightly. After the examination, he poured the red flask into the blue flask, stirring it again turning its color into violet.


Iggy then placed the flask back onto the burner. He walked to the other side towards one of the refrigerators, the one farthest from Alan. Opening it, Alan wondered what it contained, but he could not see. Iggy then closed the refrigerator and opened a storage cupboard to its right. “Hey!" suddenly, a bottle was thrown at him. Alan catches it hesitantly  “-you can have a drink. We’ll be waiting for a bit” it was wine. Iggy closes the cupboard and opens the middle refrigerator, one closer to Alan. Alan pops out the wine bottle-cap open and took a sip from it. It was Fer’dosian crimson wine. It had a sweet creamy almost gummy aftertaste. This wine is very popular, especially among a younger folk for this reason. It's not something Alan never tasted before, but he was sure he wasn't a fan.


The other refrigerator contained stacks of crystallized materials. Iggy took a tiny batch of them placed it near the flasked and crushed it. With his smoking pipe on his left hand, he wiped the crushed material with his right onto the opening of the pipe. He pressed a button on its side igniting the drug into a smoke. With a puff of smoke, the smell began to take over the room. Alan now looking at him felt a bit dazed, he was sure it wasn’t the wine that he was drinking. That wine wasn't that good to begin with. It was from the smoke that Iggy was puffing. Iggy then went and pushed a button on the wall activating the air vents sucking the smoke through the ceiling. Alan noticed Iggy squirming every time he puffed the smoke. He wondered what kind of thing he was smoking. It made iggy start to sing and hum, whatever it is, it was heavy.


For a short while Iggy’s eyes became blood red. With a burst of reactions, he picked up a large bottle of cold water and sprayed it on the man’s head “Wake up you bitch!" he shouted as he poured his head with cold water, waterboarding him. The man’s head shook around now his breathing became heavy he was awake. ”-Its fun time!” Iggy shouted as he took the cloth that was covering the man’s face. It was the first time Alan saw this man’s face. He never knew how much frightening the tied man looked. His face was full of piercing. His head was hairless, and he had a scar that went across his mouth from the bottom left toward the right of his nose just inches from his eye. The man looked at Iggy for a brief moment.


“I am the passenger-” sang Iggy in a drugged voice swaying his head around, the tied man then turned his head toward Alan staring at him and smiling “- And I ride-” Iggy with his smoking pipe in his hand, backhanded the bald man across the face splattering blood from his nose to the side “-And I ride-” elbowing him again the other way. With a bloody nose, he was staring at Alan in a deadpan stare still smiling as the blood descents down his cheeks. Iggy then ran like hysterically around the lab randomly singing to himself “I ride through the city’s backside"  Alan was convinced now that he totally lost it.


When his eyes remet the tied-up man’s eyes, he seemed not to care about Iggy running around him saying “La-La-La-La-La-La-La-La" and other nonsensical things. Iggy later stopped and looked at the man. The man was smiling the whole time “You having fun?!”  The man then turned his head and started gazing at Iggy startling him, he reacted to it by zapping him with the taser. As he was shocked the man’s head rolled back, and his eyes turned white staring at the ceiling. he, however, did not break his sinister smile  nor did he even let out of a moan. Iggy pulled his zapper away. The tied man collapsed from the shock in exhaustion with his head leaning downward dripping blood on the floor. Alan could still see his smile.


“You two enjoying yourselves?” Alan shifted his head toward the voice. It was a man with long hair wearing a coat and gloves, “By the dark, how the fuck did you guys manage to grab that guy?” a shorter and younger man with casual Usonian clothing and a wild messy hair spoke. It was the same ‘brainiac’ they met that Iggy mentioned.


“About time  you jerks show up” iggy’s voice is slightly drugged as he spoke.  “Iggy, finally we can-” the man with the long hair spoke  “-the fuck man you smoked too much of that shit” says a third man as he entered the room interrupting his speech. Iggy struggling to balance himself smiled saying, “Eat a dick, Scott” The man with long hair shook his head, sighed and then said “... finally we can get rid of those shitheads that are pissing on our turf” Smiling he looked at Alan and said. “The name's Ron, and you are?”

"Alan-" “He drove me here Ron. David already met him, he’s a good guy” Iggy says as he was slowly returning to his wits “Is that so-” Ron smiled again, bowed his head slightly “-pleasure to meet, Alan. You shall be greatly rewarded.”



“Ron stop being a formal fuck and pay the good man already''”  Scott spoke “Mhm...''” Ron nodded “Help me pick up the guns Scotty” David jumped up in the cargo Scott followed. Ron stepped in front of Alan and using his PDA. He brought up a list reading “P2P credit transfer''” he tapped “Password/ID” he entered a set of twelve digit numbers “Credit amount” he entered 500,000.


After that, he placed his PDA near that of Alan’s and a pop up showed up confirming the transfer. He tapped “confirm” 500,000 credits? That's more than enough to cover my debt and then some, and to think it was this easy? unbelievable.

Scott and David moved a box off the cargo. Ron then took over for Scott. Scott walked toward iggy and looked at the tied man and then back at Iggy “Did he talk?” “Not a single word” Scott signaled with his index and middle finger a 'gimme' to Iggy to hand him the taser he was holding.  Iggy threw his taser at Scott, and he grabbed it “oh. He will” the tied man stared at him and smiled.


Scott zaps the man once “So tell me asswipe-” he zaps him again “why were you trying to steal shit from us?-” Ron and David now unloading the cargo, they placed one of the containers on the back. “-It was those Xanderian shits that sent you wasn’t it?" The man ignored Scott zapping him, as if it was no big deal to him. He turned toward the rear of his right shoulder gazing onto the two men unloading the cargo. He continued smiling.



“Hey freak. look at him when he’s talking to you” Iggy lifted his fist but was stopped by Scott. “-Wait…” Iggy confused of why he was stopped. Scott then cautiously moved closer to the tied man and examined his neck. He saw a tattoo of sorts, a marking, “Something the matter Scott?” there was a symbol of a rising carnivorous black bird holding a carrion with its beak. Not noticing it before the tied man turned his head toward the rear. Scott stood still in his place “This is…he’ a…” the man’s face turned toward Scott back again, but now with a deathly sinister smile he spoke, ever so calmly, for the first time. he spoke only a single word. “Carrion…” “-SCAVENGER!” Scott screamed as high as his lungs can get.


David and Ron dropped what they were carrying and picked up weapons they had tucked under their shirts. Scott ran toward the open gate to shut it. Suddenly, he stood still as a distant hissing sound passed through.


He turned around. his eyes rolled white, and his head started to bleed. Shot right in between his eyes, he collapsed where he stood, “Scott! by the luminous. Scott!” Iggy looked at his friend dead stare as he collapsed. The moment he hit the ground the lights turned off. Iggy ducked to cover and  in an instant, he looked at the tied man, smiling ever so sinister, repeating the word “Carrion” once again.


Then another “Carrion!” Iggy was shaking hysterically leaning behind cover. He kicked the man on the face with all his might causing the chair to fall “Shut the fuck up, oh fucking dark. Shut up!” the man’s head hit the floor. With a bloody nose, the man smiled, licking off his blood, staring at the panicked iggy.


Iggy heard over a dozen gunshots accompanied by screams all around him, it was too fast for him to react he doesn’t know where the attacks are coming as he was hiding behind cover, he could only see the tied man smiling, muttering “Carrion”.  Afterwards he leaned his head toward the right he saw Ron twitching lying on the floor bleeding with a knife wound to his throat. he was already dead. Then everything stopped. There was a cold, dead silence,  no gunshots,  no screams.


Suddenly he heard a shout “Iggy behind y-!” David shouted out of the dark. A silhouette of person snaps David’s neck before he was able to finish his sentence. Iggy looked behind him and he was already too late. The man he was torturing him had stabbed him with a hidden blade that erupted from his augmented forearm, it was the size of his whole arm. he was still smiling ever so grim. Looking down Iggy realized the man’s blade is already deep into the right side of his chest, he could not move or react. The lights turned back on, and the blade went back into the man's forearm in a sudden wisp. The moment the blade left Iggy's body he collapsed on the floor. His eyes glared across the room. Struggling to breath he held his hand on his chest trying to block the gaping wound from bleeding but to no avail.


Another giant of a man, fully bearded, short of hair with a bit of gray around his facial hair slowly and calmly entered the room.  He wore a black shirt and a jacket, black trousers carrying a sniper rifle around his back. The towering man was dragging david’s lifeless body by his shirt.


Iggy found himself rolled around by the bald man. He was unable to move any more. It was the end he thought. why is it so slow. why is it so painful. just kill me already you shitheads! then he realized 'Scavengers'. He knew his fate is worse than death.



In what it felt like forever, he struggled to keep his eyes open. Giving in he was closing his eyes. Then suddenly he heard a scream that woke him up. He looked toward the source of the scream and saw someone being dragged by their feet from under the cargo ship by the bald man. It was Alan. He was alive! Iggy felt brief moments of relief, but those moments did not last long as he noticed that Alan was wounded.  Iggy with what is left of him tried to speak “Leave him-” he coughed, “-alone, please...”


Alan saw the pale and bloody faced Iggy lying helplessly on his back holding his wound “Leave... him…” The bald man abided his request, let Alan’s feet go, Alan, although wounded managed to crawl back toward the cargo ship, holding the cargo door bars. Smearing his own blood all over the handles.  He -with what left of his might- lifts himself up facing the two Scavengers and the wounded Iggy  “Please... leave him alone-” he coughed blood, struggling to talk.


“-he isn’t one of us. He is just a driver” “Not one of you?” the enormous man’s voice echoed across the room, looking at Alan “-yes. You won’t get any bounty from him- “ he continued coughing “-please, spare him” the man laughed “Bounty? You know that's not what we’re here for...” the giant man puts on a pair of medical gloves “Carrion!' the bald man said in excitement “- We’re here, for Anatomy-” he grimaced holding his right and then left hand forward“-supply and demand of course”


“Bastards! you fucking bastards!” the bald man moved toward Iggy planting his feet on his wound. Iggy squirmed in pain “-besides, your friend there, won’t be able to make it. He was... unfortunately caught in the crossfire. And the idiot got himself shot through his vital organs-” the man looked at the bloodied Alan, who was struggling with a cold gaze and said “What a waste-”


“Alan, by the dark, move! ” the man ignored Iggy’s screams and kept talking “Its a shame. I snapped the other guy’s neck, what a waste... “ Iggy's face twisted. If he could only get up, he would do something… but he couldn’t. He couldn’t do anything  “-unlike you though, he’ll bleed out-” Alan leaning toward the side of the cargo vehicle, he drags himself away from the scavengers toward the opening. Leaving a trail of blood on the wall to his side as he moved “-besides, it would be a crime to waste a good host of  your organs, don’t you agree?” the man held up a needle in his hand.

Iggy was shaking “Bastards! fucking bastards!” the bald man’s feet kept him grounded. The man injected Iggy with a sedative “You were filth in your lifetime-” Iggy calms down, shutting his eyes slowly “-may your death prove more productive”


Alan stumbled toward the exit. Light was slowly appearing into the horizon. He looked backward at the two menacing men, the bald man still silent smiling. The giant man cross armed. They were both looking at him without any intention of going after him. iggy was dead, Scott was dead, Ron was dead, David, oh David. He was so young.


Alan turned his head back forward. He saw a silhouette across the distant light moving gracefully towards him. Suddenly overcome with fatigue, he stumbled in his tracks and collapsed.


Desperately dragging himself forward. The silhouette now standing, is a woman with prosthetic legs only a meter away. With a medium-length celadon green hair that is tied behind her head, She wore tight skeleton armor covering her whole body. She was carrying a number of swords and blades on her upper back, And two guns on her lower back. She held with both her hands a sniper rifle resting it to the side. Like the others, she was not worried. Her eyes were following Alan as he crawled forward.


“Well aren’t you unlucky...” she said with a snicker. Alan held onto her feet. His blood smearing on her dress  “Help… me…”  the bald man behind Alan now carrying Iggy and David’s motionless bodies on his back. The bigger man carried Scott and Ron.


The woman held Alan by the jaw. His face turned blue and his eyes white “This isn’t personal. We’ve all got mouths to feed-” tears rolled down his cheek and onto her fingers  “-the medical community, they demand it-” her voice became distant “- and we’ll supply it”


“A simple trade of you”





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The name of the prologue and one of the characters is obviously taken from this song

  

and the "Scavenger" lady at the end is inspired by this, though it was coincidental when I first wrote it then decided to add her in with the "supply and demand" thing, I was originally going to have one person only like Repo The Genetic Opera, but thought more than one is better.



No response, its so bad no one bothers =[



PullusPardus said:

No response, its so bad no one bothers =[

i got distracted by a wesslewoggle thread when I read.. 1/3 of it.. will get back to it



 

Face the future.. Gamecenter ID: nikkom_nl (oh no he didn't!!) 

NiKKoM said:
PullusPardus said:

No response, its so bad no one bothers =[

i got distracted by a wesslewoggle thread when I read.. 1/3 of it.. will get back to it

Yay!



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It's not bad, you could use a grammar and spell checker though and decide on what tense to use. It's distracting when you switch from present to past tense even within the same sentence.

I like the setting, but the panicky driver is a bit overdone. It's better to describe his reactions, hands slightly shaking, sweating etc and leave the direct nervous / panic descriptions out. A bit less words wouldn't hurt.

An childhood chapter could work, great place to explain how the world came to be that way and explore the setting. After you write that I would suggest rewriting the prologue. And read lots of sci-fi! I'm going to read some more of Bowl of Heaven now, excellent book. That's the kind of sci-fi I like most.



SvennoJ said:
It's not bad, you could use a grammar and spell checker though and decide on what tense to use. It's distracting when you switch from present to past tense even within the same sentence.

I like the setting, but the panicky driver is a bit overdone. It's better to describe his reactions, hands slightly shaking, sweating etc and leave the direct nervous / panic descriptions out. A bit less words wouldn't hurt.

An childhood chapter could work, great place to explain how the world came to be that way and explore the setting. After you write that I would suggest rewriting the prologue. And read lots of sci-fi! I'm going to read some more of Bowl of Heaven now, excellent book. That's the kind of sci-fi I like most.

can you tell me which parts contain the grammar errors? , also  can you give an example on how his descriptions should be? If you don't mind.

I am reading Revelations Space because it was suggested here, what kind of Scifi is Bowl of Heaven? from the name (and author ) I'm guessing its a lot like Ringworld 



In Bowl of heaven a human interstellar expedition happens onto a star enveloped by a bowl on 1 side, with a hole in the middle through which a huge jet of plasma shoots out. The advanced civilization has transformed a star into a space ship and is heading to the same star system the humans are going, both drawn by the strange gravitational waves emanating from that system.
The humans divert the ship to explore this engineered world the size of mercury's orbit. Soon after attempting a landing part of the survey team gets captured and transported to a 'garden' near the hub to be studied by the aliens, while a larger part escapes into the vast habitable part of the world at the outer edge.

What I mean with descriptions is that often less is more. For example what I'm reading currently, at some point the captured humans are trying to escape climbing a 100ft transparent wall in 0.1g. (They have been set loose in a cage / sectioned off area, several hundred square kilometers in size) While climbing they get noticed by huge spiders the size of a small minivan, one of the humans falls behind. The only mention of his horrible fate is the others noticing his body starting to fall back down crumpled up like a discarded tissue paper. That's enough to convey all the horror in 1 short sentence, very effective.

Grammar errors for example
over them there was were even more brighter lights up in the distance almost too far to be visible in the distance, guiding holographic yellow lights floated floating in mid air, blinking and curving upwards while others more curved downwards. Numbers between the curved lights displayed / announced display speed limits and distance remaining of each virtual road. The driver having switched to manual pilot mode and descended down the path.
More is not needed I think. I'm not a native English speaker although I read a lot, so don't hold me to it :) Anyway just use grammar check in Word. Don't make the sentences too long and use the same tense throughout the sentence.



SvennoJ said:

In Bowl of heaven a human interstellar expedition happens onto a star enveloped by a bowl on 1 side, with a hole in the middle through which a huge jet of plasma shoots out. The advanced civilization has transformed a star into a space ship and is heading to the same star system the humans are going, both drawn by the strange gravitational waves emanating from that system.
The humans divert the ship to explore this engineered world the size of mercury's orbit. Soon after attempting a landing part of the survey team gets captured and transported to a 'garden' near the hub to be studied by the aliens, while a larger part escapes into the vast habitable part of the world at the outer edge.

What I mean with descriptions is that often less is more. For example what I'm reading currently, at some point the captured humans are trying to escape climbing a 100ft transparent wall in 0.1g. (They have been set loose in a cage / sectioned off area, several hundred square kilometers in size) While climbing they get noticed by huge spiders the size of a small minivan, one of the humans falls behind. The only mention of his horrible fate is the others noticing his body starting to fall back down crumpled up like a discarded tissue paper. That's enough to convey all the horror in 1 short sentence, very effective.

Grammar errors for example
over them there was were even more brighter lights up in the distance almost too far to be visible in the distance, guiding holographic yellow lights floated floating in mid air, blinking and curving upwards while others more curved downwards. Numbers between the curved lights displayed / announced display speed limits and distance remaining of each virtual road. The driver having switched to manual pilot mode and descended down the path.
More is not needed I think. I'm not a native English speaker although I read a lot, so don't hold me to it :) Anyway just use grammar check in Word. Don't make the sentences too long and use the same tense throughout the sentence.


I'm not a native English speaker as well, but yeah I can see the grammar errors, thanks 

I think its because I kept rewriting it that I accumulated  a lot of errors

Also that story sounds a lot like Ringworld.



lol.. Wine.. who drinks wine from a fridge.. but yeah your sentences can be written slightly different to make them better.

Another giant of a man, fully bearded, short of hair with a bit of gray around his facial hair slowly and calmly entered the room, the towering man was dragging david’s lifeless body from his shirt, he was in a black shirt and a jacket, black trousers carrying a sniper rifle around his back.

So you're describing him, then describing his actions, then describing him again..


Iggy heard over a dozen gunshots accompanied by screams all around him, it was too fast for him to react he doesn’t know where the attacks are coming it was too dark for him to see, he could only see the tied man smiling, muttering “Carrion” as he leaned his head toward the right he saw Ron twitching lying on the floor bleeding with a knife wound to his throat he was already dead. then everything stopped, there was a cold, dead silence, no gunshots, no screams.

Here it's too dark to see yet he sees Ron and the tied up man? make it "he doesn’t know where the attacks are coming from and only could see..."



 

Face the future.. Gamecenter ID: nikkom_nl (oh no he didn't!!)