I'm in a much better place now than I was the last few times I wrote in here. Sorry for the scare everyone (as if anyone followed my breakdown ).

Working out, reading and gaming are really helping me get through this tough time and in a week I've seen a tremendous bounce-back that I've never had before from one of my bouts with my manic mood.

For those interested in knowing what happened, if you follow me at all you'd know that I've been pretty head over heels for this girl on the other side of the planet. Heck, we Skype'd for like 6 hours a day for the last 6 months (minus my 2.5 week vacation where we wrote back and forth with email anyways). I planned on getting a job and making some money so I could fly out there and finally meet her in person too and had talked to her about this.

Aaanyways, on the 20th she told me she was pregnant... And it just absolutely stunned me and broke me again. I haven't exactly had the best record with relationships (if you could even call what I've had "relationships") and it just really caught me off guard and probably brought back a whole lot of trust issues I've always had. That's a story for another day. But yea... That's what happened.

It just really hit me that I can't seem to catch a break. I've worked hard all my life in school (I'm talking enrichment classes, straight A's, and going through one of the toughest university programs in Canada despite my lack of interest in the field - did I mention I've been unemployed for almost a year since I finished uni despite graduating near the top of my class?) and to please my family while trying to remain down to earth and sociable. My parents never let me hang out with friends or join teams and events and I respected them too much to lie to them or do anything behind their backs. So my social life was already in tatters. Being a first generation Canadian with strict Indian parents is a difficult balancing act.

Beyond that I don't drink or smoke, I exercise regularly, I dress well, and (I like to think) I'm funny. But I can't seem to ever make things work with girls I have feelings for. I've always treated them with respect and my intentions are always pure. I don't know what I'm lacking and it just bothers me so much. In the end of it I always end up getting the short end of the stick or emotionally crippled because of something "she" does.

It all just hit me that despite how much I try to improve myself and do the right thing, I still tend to get the short end of life. People are always telling me how it will get better or how I deserve more when I come crashing down but things rarely (if ever) seem to go in my favor. That's what that poem I shared here was about.

But yeah, things will only be as bad as I make them out to be. I've got my head up again and I've got some plans in motion for the job situation at the moment. I'm in the best shape I've been in since high school, and I've been more productive in the last week than I have cumulatively since graduating from undergrad last April. Things are looking great and I'm feeling it.