Runa216 said:
Every bit of this makes me smile.
I wish I had some sort of cutesy tale of flirtation with other boys or something, but I wasn't bisexual until I grew up. I liked, uh 'being a bottom', but not for boys if that makes any sense (Fingers, toys, produce, whatever, I just didn't like being with other guys). Then, I grew up a bit, tried to pretend I was straight 'but I liked butt stuff' (which was and kinda sorta is still true...it's complicated as fuck), when everyone was trying to make me 'come out'.
I could write a whole book about my sexual preferences, my journey to realizing who/what I am, and my general opinions on the matter, but I should be spending that time writing a novel or something.
As it stands...I'm just 'fluid' in basically every day. I run the gamut from completely asexual (As in, the thought of having sex actively repels me) to being so horny for a partner I'll do anyone. I range from identifying as my birth gender - male - to being exclusively female to the point where I actually get offended if people call me a man (I don't speak it outwardly, as I can't reasonably expect anyone to keep up with my fluctuating moods.) I go from having guys completely gross me out (Straight as an arrow) to wanting every guy I see (Gay as fuuuuuuuck), while also fluctuating. sometimes I want all the sex, sometimes I don't want anyone touching me and the thought of being intimate just makes me super uncomfortable.
My default setting is asexual and agendered. like 90% of the time I have absolutely no interest in sex, regardless of gender...while not conforming to either gender identity. That's why I stopped correcting people whenever they assigned me a gender. people IRL see me as male, and I'm fine with that because sometimes I Feel that way. Online I tend to present as female, because oftentimes I feel that way (And the allure of it being something I am not IRL makes it the more appealing of the two options; forbidden fruit or something).
I want to get a Gender Reassignment Surgery and have since I was a teenager, but I know it'll never happen for a few reasons. I don't HATE my male body, I'm not suffering any sort of gender dysphoria or anything. I don't agree with or idealize any gender stereotypes, so the idea of 'living as a woman for a year' while under hormonal treatment sounds like hell to me, because society's image of a woman is not the same as my chosen manner of expression (No dresses or high heels or makeup, I'd act the exact same, but I'd have female parts instead of male parts). Also, I hate breasts and would never want them, and I know the hormones would change that.
I'd never pass a psychological test, I'd not be willing to do what most psychologists demand before allowing the procedure, and I'm not suffering, so it'd never happen. I just feel it's sort of a 35/65 split in favour of female. not 100/0 or anything. Or, more likely, 70 neutral, 20 female, 10 male.
And this...this post here? This is why I mostly keep this shit to myself. I know what I am, but it fluctuates and changes with such frequency that explaining it is remarkably challenging and I don't want to be identified as some wannabe special snowflake seeking attention. I don't want attention, I mostly just want to be left alone (which is what most LGBT+ people want). I love discussing it, but I'm aware that I sound like some overly sensitive, liberal arts major with too many letters after their name. Anyone who meets me knows that's not me, but any time I try to explain myself, I sound exactly like the kind of person that 'traditionalists' love to disparage and disrespect.
Even though I could probably kick the ass of most of those 'hardedged masculine' types.
Ideally, my body would be devoid of any externally visible genitals. No penis, no testicles, no breasts, not particularly curvy hips...just a barbie without any body hair. That's my lifelong goal.
It'll never happen, and I've come to terms with that. I think self-awareness is important, especially when it comes to gender identity and sexuality.
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