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Forums - General - Dating someone with kids

fillet on 02 December 2012

I was a with a woman with a kid for 2.5 years, it was a pain in the arse in many ways, mostly because doing things together was an absolute nightmare and getting up early in the morning was kinda not an option not to. But it brings other things, maturity and a kind of joy in other respects.

If you're worrying about being called "dad", and things like that, then you're not mature enough to enter a relationship with a person that has a child though imo as if that kind of thing scares you then you have a good few years of growing up to do first. Being in a relationship with someone who's got kids isn't something to take lightly, you can't just up and get out when you want because there's a good chance the kid will have got attached to you.

If you have any doubts, don't do it for her sake.

EDIT - I just read your op proerly, shame on you for getting involved if you can't handle a kid thinking your their daddy. You've behaved like a real dick and you need to either get out now while you can and not think about it. Or think what you really want, apologise and then discuss the "dad" situation and the kid and so forth.

People like you really piss me off actually...but there we go.



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Panama on 02 December 2012

You need to consider whether the woman outweighs all the negatives that come from the relationship.



fillet on 02 December 2012
Panama said:
Should have walked over to the real father on the couch like a crab and swiped at him in order to assert your male dominance.

Personally if it was me, I would get the hell out of there even if she is the nicest person in the world. Don't want any of that awkward shit in my life. You need to consider whether the woman outweighs all the negatives that come from the relationship.


You obviously don't have experience of both types of relationship and shouldn't be giving out childish advice to someone who's in a genuine problem.



Panama on 02 December 2012
fillet said:
Panama said:
Should have walked over to the real father on the couch like a crab and swiped at him in order to assert your male dominance.

Personally if it was me, I would get the hell out of there even if she is the nicest person in the world. Don't want any of that awkward shit in my life. You need to consider whether the woman outweighs all the negatives that come from the relationship.


You obviously don't have experience of both types of relationship and shouldn't be giving out childish advice to someone who's in a genuine problem.

I put my real input at the end. Lighten up.



fillet on 02 December 2012
GhaudePhaede010 said:
Max King of the Wild said:
GhaudePhaede010 said:
d21lewis said:
She shouldn't have let you meet the kids until she's serious that you're going to be in their lives or she needs somebody to buy them Christmas presents.

That's how it works, bro.


That is patent crap. I believe someone should meet my children as soon as they meet me, or even before if possible. I want them to know what they are getting into early so if they cannot handle it, there are no serious feelings to be hurt early on.

Meeting the children later can only make things more complicated. Everyone should know everyone asap, unless parents sleep around a lot and know they are not looking for a relationship.

I agree with d21lewis. The kids have no concept of whats going on. There really is no reason to meet someone who wont be around for long. The guy needs to be serious about the woman before he can know if he wants to be serious about the kids.


*facepalm*

Any serious parent knows you cannot be serious about a relationship unless your partner is serious about the child/children. They go hand-in-hand. To try to seperate the two is completely selfish and doomed to a measure of failure once thee other person realizes the freedom they have had with the parent is a fleeting reality. Thee only way to know how serious someone is about me, is to know how they can handle being with a father. Not with a man that has children somewhere; a father.

And it works the same way with a mother. If a mother wants to know how serious a man is about the relationship, from before day 1 (if possible), the partner should have a feel for the parents relationship with their child/children. Something that can only be gained first hand and not from story telling. Anything less is advertising the child/children as secondary and that should never be the representation of a parent. Between me and my girlfriend, we share 8 children. I met her children about three days into dating her and she met mine before we started dating at all. How she parents, how her children behave (if they are bad, well-behaved, have attachment issues, or have mental disabilities), how she changes as a person when around her chlidren are vital TO THE RELATIONSHIP and could have changed how I felt about her. Also, if a child/children is uncomfortable around thee other person, it is best known from the start so you can build together if possible as opposed working the relationship from the ground up all over again (if the relationship is not ended at that point; in my case, it would have been). A serious parent (I use the term loosely) knows better than to keep the children out of their life in that manner because the child is the parents life. If a parent is looking for a serious relationship, they better advertise being a parent first, and single second. If looking for a hookup, then you are correct, keep the lives distanced.

 

As far as advice to this guy, just move on. You care too much about the situation and that shows me you should walk away right now.


Couldn't agree more.

It's a shame the OP has asked the question on a video games forum dominated by parasitic boys who have had no experience in standing on their own two feet and their biggest commitment in life is being asked to keep their room tidy if they want to be given free money.



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fillet on 02 December 2012
Panama said:
fillet said:
Panama said:
Should have walked over to the real father on the couch like a crab and swiped at him in order to assert your male dominance.

Personally if it was me, I would get the hell out of there even if she is the nicest person in the world. Don't want any of that awkward shit in my life. You need to consider whether the woman outweighs all the negatives that come from the relationship.


You obviously don't have experience of both types of relationship and shouldn't be giving out childish advice to someone who's in a genuine problem.

I put my real input at the end. Lighten up.


Sorry, I feel quite strongly about this having been in exactly the situation of the OP, but the father didn't give a damn about the kid and I was basically his dad in some ways. We split up, it got messy. Sorry for being rude.

One more thing to consider and something that I didn't is how you would feel if you did become attached to the kid and then you split up. I miss my ex-girlfriend's kid and don't see him anymore.

That's just something to remember, dating someone with kids is definitely a thing some people don't like doing and I respect that, it is hard work at times. But it's not going to ruin your life and it's not something you need to think about once you've decided you can do it.

It's just very important to decide if you can do it before doing it. It's really not that "bad". It's just different.



Panama on 02 December 2012
fillet said:
Panama said:
fillet said:
Panama said:
Should have walked over to the real father on the couch like a crab and swiped at him in order to assert your male dominance.

Personally if it was me, I would get the hell out of there even if she is the nicest person in the world. Don't want any of that awkward shit in my life. You need to consider whether the woman outweighs all the negatives that come from the relationship.


You obviously don't have experience of both types of relationship and shouldn't be giving out childish advice to someone who's in a genuine problem.

I put my real input at the end. Lighten up.


Sorry, I feel quite strongly about this having been in exactly the situation of the OP, but the father didn't give a damn about the kid and I was basically his dad in some ways. We split up, it got messy. Sorry for being rude.

One more thing to consider and something that I didn't is how you would feel if you did become attached to the kid and then you split up. I miss my ex-girlfriend's kid and don't see him anymore.

That's just something to remember, dating someone with kids is definitely a thing some people don't like doing and I respect that, it is hard work at times. But it's not going to ruin your life and it's not something you need to think about once you've decided you can do it.

It's just very important to decide if you can do it before doing it. It's really not that "bad". It's just different.

You weren't rude, it's fine, I was rude if anything. I should have said it was a joke before I put my proper comment.



d21lewis on 02 December 2012
GhaudePhaede010 said:
Max King of the Wild said:
GhaudePhaede010 said:
d21lewis said:
She shouldn't have let you meet the kids until she's serious that you're going to be in their lives or she needs somebody to buy them Christmas presents.

That's how it works, bro.


That is patent crap. I believe someone should meet my children as soon as they meet me, or even before if possible. I want them to know what they are getting into early so if they cannot handle it, there are no serious feelings to be hurt early on.

Meeting the children later can only make things more complicated. Everyone should know everyone asap, unless parents sleep around a lot and know they are not looking for a relationship.

I agree with d21lewis. The kids have no concept of whats going on. There really is no reason to meet someone who wont be around for long. The guy needs to be serious about the woman before he can know if he wants to be serious about the kids.


*facepalm*

Any serious parent knows you cannot be serious about a relationship unless your partner is serious about the child/children. They go hand-in-hand. To try to seperate the two is completely selfish and doomed to a measure of failure once thee other person realizes the freedom they have had with the parent is a fleeting reality. Thee only way to know how serious someone is about me, is to know how they can handle being with a father. Not with a man that has children somewhere; a father.

And it works the same way with a mother. If a mother wants to know how serious a man is about the relationship, from before day 1 (if possible), the partner should have a feel for the parents relationship with their child/children. Something that can only be gained first hand and not from story telling. Anything less is advertising the child/children as secondary and that should never be the representation of a parent. Between me and my girlfriend, we share 8 children. I met her children about three days into dating her and she met mine before we started dating at all. How she parents, how her children behave (if they are bad, well-behaved, have attachment issues, or have mental disabilities), how she changes as a person when around her chlidren are vital TO THE RELATIONSHIP and could have changed how I felt about her. Also, if a child/children is uncomfortable around thee other person, it is best known from the start so you can build together if possible as opposed working the relationship from the ground up all over again (if the relationship is not ended at that point; in my case, it would have been). A serious parent (I use the term loosely) knows better than to keep the children out of their life in that manner because the child is the parents life. If a parent is looking for a serious relationship, they better advertise being a parent first, and single second. If looking for a hookup, then you are correct, keep the lives distanced.

 

As far as advice to this guy, just move on. You care too much about the situation and that shows me you should walk away right now.

I'm gonna have to agree with d21lewis on this one and I guess I have to agree to disagree with you.  Two adults should have developed the skills to deal with losing somebody that comes into their lives.  That's what dating is all about.  You're trying to find that one person that is compatible with you and your life (including children).  Children don't have that.  In my opinion, it is totally unfair to introduce somebody to a child when they aren't ready to accept that responsibility.  The child winds up getting attached and thinking  that this person is going to be a part of their life and then has to shoulder the burden of thinking that they may have been the reason the relationship didn't work out.  You're going to do this to a child every time you meet some hot chick/dude at the grocery store?  Too many people in and out of your kids life.  Not good.

You get to know the person.  You see if they're the kind of person that you want around your kid.  Then, you introduce them when you feel like they're going to be there for the long haul.  You can't just pick up on that when you first meet someone.  It takes about a month for their real personality to come out.  And if I personally just met someone, even if I'm 100% ready to be a father and they instantly start forcing their kid on me before I'm ready to tackle that obstacle, It's going to scare me away.  It's a red light.  It's like meeting somebody, going out on one date, and them saying "I love you".  I'm not afraid of love but going that far, that fast is going to scare the fuck out of me.



Max King of the Wild on 02 December 2012
d21lewis said:
GhaudePhaede010 said:
Max King of the Wild said:
GhaudePhaede010 said:
 

 

 

 

I'm gonna have to agree with d21lewis on this one and I guess I have to agree to disagree with you.  Two adults should have developed the skills to deal with losing somebody that comes into their lives.  That's what dating is all about.  You're trying to find that one person that is compatible with you and your life (including children).  Children don't have that.  In my opinion, it is totally unfair to introduce somebody to a child when they aren't ready to accept that responsibility.  The child winds up getting attached and thinking  that this person is going to be a part of their life and then has to shoulder the burden of thinking that they may have been the reason the relationship didn't work out.  You're going to do this to a child every time you meet some hot chick/dude at the grocery store?  Too many people in and out of your kids life.  Not good.

You get to know the person.  You see if they're the kind of person that you want around your kid.  Then, you introduce them when you feel like they're going to be there for the long haul.  You can't just pick up on that when you first meet someone.  It takes about a month for their real personality to come out.  And if I personally just met someone, even if I'm 100% ready to be a father and they instantly start forcing their kid on me before I'm ready to tackle that obstacle, It's going to scare me away.  It's a red light.  It's like meeting somebody, going out on one date, and them saying "I love you".  I'm not afraid of love but going that far, that fast is going to scare the fuck out of me.



Of course you are going to agree with yourself! LOL!

Also, I completely agree with you. Kids are going to be confused if they meet everyone their parent dates especially if they only meet them once because it doesn't work out. The relationship needs to be steady first and foremost.



NotStan on 02 December 2012

That was a pretty dick move not to contact her afterwards, not even try to resolve this issue. Can't say I've ever experienced an awkward situation such as that, but even I have enough common sense and decency to know that just ignoring her will hurt her deeply and make her insecure. There are many a possible reasons as to why she did what she did, and you just running away from it is really immature.

I am 20 and even I think you need to grow up, as you handled that situation beyond poorly.



Disconnect and self destruct, one bullet a time.