Yo mama's so stupid, she tripped over a cordless telephone.

two homeless drunks were trying to figure out a way to get a couple drinks. between them they only had $1.89, not even enough for one drink, then one of em gets an idea.
"hey, i've got it, i've got it, we'll go over to that vendor a buy ourselves a hotdog..."
"dammit, i don't want any hotdog, i want a drink, stupid!"
"no, no, no, we get a hotdog, then goto the bar and order a couple doubles. then after we slam em down, you drop to your knees and start sucking on the hotdog. they'll think we're crazy and throw us out!"
"that's a great idea, let's try it!"

well it worked so well they hit up seven different bars, and sure enough at each one the bouncer threw em out.
the drunk that was sucking on the hotdog said "damn, i think that's the best idea you've ever had! but do you think we could trade places? my knees are really starting to hurt."
"you think that's bad? i lost the hotdog 3 bars ago!"

brenda o'malley is home making dinner as usual, when tim finnegan comes by to see her.
"brenda, may i come in?" he asks, "i've got something to tell ya."
"of course you can come in, tim, you're always welcome. but where is my husband?"
"that's what i'm here to be telling ya brenda... there was an accident down at the Guinness brewery."
"oh lord no, please don't be telling me that..."
"i must brenda, i'm sorry but your husband, shamus, is dead and gone."
after crying for a bit, she asked "please tell me, how did it happen?"
"it was terrible brenda, he fell into a vat of Guinness Stout and drowned."
"oh my dear jesus, but you must tell me, did he at least go quickly?"
"well... no, in fact, he got out three times to pee."

^^haha, nice one viz, your on a roll tonight, ceep em comming :)

1)A drunk man knocks his house's door and says "Here I have a flower for you beautiful woman", his wife opens the door and asks "Where is the flower?", the drunk man answer "Where is the beautiful woman?".

2)How many drunk guys you need to sink a submarine?, 2, one who knocks the door and other one who opens it.

A man gets pulled over by an officer for speeding. The officer approaches the car and asked the man for his liscence and registration.

"Why, sure officer, but wouldn't you much rather be interested in the drugs in the glove compartment, the weapons under the back seat, or the dead bodies in the trunk?'

The officer somewhat in shock at what the man said intructed the man to stay put while he called in for back up. Cop #2 arrives on the scene and the two policeman begin to search the man's car which was totally clean.

Cop 2 says to the man, "Sir, this officer informed me that you had dead bodies in the trunk."

Man, "I'm afraid that isn't true is it officer."

Cop 2, "He also said that you had guns under your back seat."

Man, "No, I am afraid I don't."

Cop 2, "Well, what about the drugs in the glove department."

Man, "I don't have any of those either."

Cop 2, "Well," but is suddently interupted by the man.

Man, "Let me guess, officer, he probably said I was speeding too didn't he."

student "teacher, would you punish me for something i didn't do?"
teacher "of course not"
student "good, i didn't do my homework."

a guy walks into a bar in fargo, north dakota and takes a seat at the bar. the other fella sittin at the bar says "i got a game for ya. i'll ask you a riddle, if you get it right i'll buy you a drink, if you don't then you buy me one, okay?"
the guy replies "alright, you got a deal."
so he asks "my mother and father had one child. it wasn't my brother or my sister, so who was it?"
after awhile he says "i give up."
"it was ME!"
so he ponied up the dough and buys him a drink.
a few days later the guy is back home in minneapolis at his regular bar. one of his buddies is there, so he says to him "i got a game for ya. i'll ask you a riddle, if you get it right i'll buy you a drink, if you don't then you buy me one, okay?"
his friend says "okay."
"my mother and father had one child, it wasn't my brother or my sister, so who was it?"
his friend thought about it and finally gave up.
"you give up then? well it was this fella up in fargo!"

Lol at that last one viz, I hear a lot of jokes but that one was new to me :)

Here's my favorite:

Three guys die and go to heaven. St. Peter says "Listen - we're having a really busy century, so we need to manage admissions tightly. Right now we can only admit people who have died in horrible fashions, and those who have died in a more mundane way will have to wait in limbo for a while"

The first man immediately steps foward knowing his story of death was pretty wild. St. Peter gestures to him and the man begins his story. "Well, I'd been suspicious of my wife having an affair for some time now, so today I came home from work early. I just knew the guy was in my apartment, but I couldn't find him. I looked everywhere and was just about to give up, when I went out on the balcony of my 23rd story apartment and there he was hanging over the edge! He was just barely hanging on, there was no way he could climb back onto the balcony. It was a really stupid place to try to hide. I was livid, so I started punching him and clawing at his fingers, but he held on. Finally I went to get a hammer and started pounding on his fingers, and he fell down. But what really angered me was that he landed in some bushes and fell to the ground dazed, but basically OK! I was so mad I grabbed the refrigerator, threw it off the balcony so it would land on him. Unfortunately I was so angry I didn’t notice the cord and it somehow got wrapped around my foot, as the refrigerator fell it pulled me over the edge with it and I fell to my death"

St. Peter was taken aback, and said "Wow, that was quite a story, the others will be hard pressed to beat that." He then approached the second man and asked him how he had died.

"I was riding my exercise bike on the balcony of my 24th story apartment, when the thing broke and threw me over the railing! I grabbed furiously at the railing and slipped, but managed to catch on the balcony below mine. I tried to climb up but it just wasn't possible. I thought I was going to fall but then someone came out on the balcony. I thought he would help me, until he started hitting me! I held on as best I could, but when he got a hammer and started hitting me I finally couldn't hold on anymore and fell. Through some miracle though, I fell in some soft bushes, I sat on the ground dazed, but basically OK! Just as I'm coming around, I look up and BAM this refrigerator lands on me. So here I am."

St. Peter immediately was speechless, but pointed at the third man to hear his story.

The third man gestures with his hands, "Picture this: naked… in a refrigerator..."