In no particular order:
- Everybody has a camera: Remember how awesome it was the first time you used your Xbox Live vision camera to play Uno? How about that time you video chatted with your PS Eye? Unfortunately, everybody couldn't share in your joy. Not so with the Wii U. Now, EVERYBODY has a camera. There's no reason why the whole world can't see your penis!
- You don't even need a TV: Let's say you're dying to play the newest level in New Super Mario Bros. but your ungrateful 11 year old daughter is hogging up the best TV playing Hitman Absolution (and she's even beaten the game before you!) and she won't go in the living room, even though you have another Xbox 360 in there....man, this sounds strangly specific, doesn't it? Anyway, with the Wii U, just fire up the new Gamepad and have a blast!
- Fuck Turtle Beach!!: "Hear everything.....kill everyone". Yeah, Turtle Beach, I own a set of your expensive headphones and they are indeed awesome. Enemies coming from the left sound like they're coming from the left. Gunshots to your right actually sound like they're coming from your right. But, with the Wii U, maybe you don't need those expensive headphones connected to your TV. Maybe you can just stick your cheap ass headphones that you already own into the Wii U controller and get the same experience, now. In your face, turtles!
- Best Youtube Browser in gaming: I discovered this entirely by accident. I was using the browser version of Youtube (because the App sucks--just like it does on PS3 and 360). With the Wii U, you can watch a video on the controller and the TV at the same time? Awesome, right? No? Well, shut the fuck up and listen. With the Wii U, you can throw the video on the TV Screen and browse the comments on the controller. Still not awesome enough? Well, with the Wii U, you can throw the video on the TV Screen and then navigate away from Youtube, browsing the entire interweb with your "Tablet Controller" while the video plays on your TV with absolutely no loss in quality. Yeah. I thought you'd see things my way.
- Almost the best browser in gaming: The thing is fast as lightning and it's never crashed on me, once. Posting with the touch screen is a breeze and the interface is natural. Why do I say "Almost"? Because I haven't found a porn site that will work on it. But when I do.......Nintendo can expect a call from me asking them to repair my controller because it fell into the toilet.
- Easy expansion: My PS3 and 360 still have the same HDD's that came with them. You tech savvy guys have swapped your PS3 and spent $21,000 (slight exaggeration) on upgrading your Xbox 360s with Microsoft's proprietary licensed Hard Drives. Meanwhile, my PS3 still has the 80GB HDD it came with and my 360s still have 60GB and 250GB, respectively. With the Wii U, any HDD works. I can just grab a 500GB Seagate plug it in and I'm set. Now, I just need to find some content that's worth buying.
- The MiiVerse: Why did it take me so long to get to this one? It is awesome! If you're a fan of Twitter (follow me on Twitter. I'm @d21lewis), video games, and being awesome, your new addiction has arrived. You can post comments and screenshots of what's going on in your game. You can flirt with hot Mii chicks. You can ask for help. You can display your drawing skills. It's just awesome. If "Xbox Live is a community" then "MiiVerse is a family". It does everything right.
- Kiss your strategy guides goodbye.: Oh. You already did? Good for you. However, with the Wii U, you can kiss those guides even more good-bye!! That last sentence didn't make much sense. All you need to know is, at any point, you can pause your game, log into the internet and go to IGN or Youtube, look up the level you're playing in the game right there with your controller, see the solution to your problem, and basically cheat. It's right there in your hands!
- Options, Options, Options: Let's use Black Ops 2 as an example. You want to use that new fangled controller instead of the TV? Go for it. You want to play split screen with both players having their own screen? Done. You want to use old fashioned Xbox controls? It supports that. You want to use gimmicky Wii Remote pointer controls? It does that, too! You want to touch me in my secret area? Send me a PM. You want to quickly customize your weapons layout? Nothing is faster than the touch screen. What I'm saying is that the Wii U lets you customize your experience more than ever before!
- It's Nintendo!: So what the hell are you waiting for? It's Nintendo in HD!! Go buy a Wii U right now before.......hey? Where'd you go? To buy a Wii U? Then, it looks like my work here is done.
*d21lewis is not affiliated with, supported by, or even liked by Nintendo. All opinions, facts, facts that sound like opinions, opinions that sound like facts, and facts that are, in fact, not factual are the opinion of d21lewis. Boobs are awesome.