DKC Returns is as good of a platformer as I've ever played. There have been a few that have been as good, but I have never played a better one. It is gorgeous, mouth-watering, ball-tingling, orgasmic and anything else that you think is great. It's like that moment when Honey Ryder stepped out of the ocean in that bikini. For some reason the game is not being treated this way though. It's been getting several good, but not great reviews. Heck, it isn't even looked at as the best platformer on the Wii this year. It's Super Mario Galaxy 2 this and Super Mario Galaxy 2 that. Don't get me wrong, SMG 2 is a great game, but it's not any better than it's predecessor and certainly not on the level of DKC Returns. Being that I'm a spy, I have taken it upon myself to see how this terrible injustice has come about. This time it's not for Queen and country. This time it's personal.
My investigation of this bizarre lack of respect for DKC Returns led me on a heart-stopping adventure. I had dinner with Heidi Kemp from Game Pro and was nearly assassinated by a short Asian man with a bowler hat. Later on, Morgan Webb nearly stabbed me with a venom laced knife that was housed in her boot. One thing led to another and I wound up in a hollowed out volcano lair. Luckily I was wearing my suit with the button the worked as a microphone so I could pick up the conversation between myself and the meglomaniacal villian to whom the lair belonged to:
E S B : Let me introduce myself, Mr. 316. I am Emilio Scaramanga Buonaparte, the leader of SPECIAL.
316 : SPECIAL???
E S B : Yes, the SPecial Executive for Contriving Impossibly Asinine Lies. We are responsible for the less than stellar reviews that DKC Returns is getting.
316 : I hope that you realize that Special is the first word in your acronym SPECIAL and that this is a bit redundant.
E S B: Some would consider a film series with over 20 sequels a bit redundant.
316 : Touche'.
E S B : It would be a heavy blow to our organization if people started thinking that DKC Returns was the best game around. This would lead to other 2D platformers and possibly could begin the downhill of the graphic heavy games. You see, we were responsible for the highly priced machine that was meant to finance our organization so we could eventually take over the world.
316 : World domination. Same old dream.
E S B : You see if our plan fails again and we don't get everyone to be willing to mortgage their homes for God Of War 4, we'll have to do things the old way.
316 : The old way?
ESB : Yes, we'll hijack some nuclear missiles and hold the world hostage.
At that moment I removed the grenade that looked like a cuff link and threw it. Then ninjas flew down into the volcano with jet packs. One of them hit Buonaparte in the hand with a shuriken as he was about to shoot me. Still, he narrowly escaped on his monorail. I proceeded to throw a henchmen into a shark tank and say, "Buon appetit,"
Then I found a space shuttle and blasted off into space.
So there it is. A SPECIAL organization is out there making sure that DKC Returns isn't as well received as it should be.Who knows what other nefarious plans they have? Sorry to cut this short , but I am currently piloting a space shuttle and Olivia Munn asked her to take her around the world one more time. I can't tell her no, can I?
amp316 Will Return...
Proud member of the SONIC SUPPORT SQUAD
Tag "Sorry man. Someone pissed in my Wheaties."
"There are like ten games a year that sell over a million units." High Voltage CEO - Eric Nofsinger
