This is as close as possible i would guess.

I would also say it is "a tablet with built in controllers that plays nintendo games".

Seeing as most tablets or cell phones can connect to tvs, no need to bring that up.

a person who gets laid instead of plays/knows about video games

It's a console and a handheld that can also be played casually for two players on tabletop.

Unlike the Wii U, I see lightbulbs go off pretty quickly when I explain the console (as long as I use my hands). I don't go into detail about the joy-con -- that tends to muddy the waters. That much needs to be shown off.

I basically gave friends and family a tech demo when I visited home recently.

"This thing right here."

lay person wouldn't know the time let alone what tech does.

Just say - it plays games

This exactly. Perfect description and simple  and not too wordy. 

A video game console you can play on the big screen, or on the go. However you like to~

It is a Gameboy/DS/Hand held device with detachable controllers that you can also hook up to your TV.

Just show him this thread.

That's not trolling, I just said what I think about the system. Get over yourself, not everybody likes the Nintendo Switch