https://docs.google.com/open?id=0B37DU3yiXPO5eDRDSWJ3WWJxWE0

here is the time line of the book

http://gamrconnect.vgchartz.com/thread.php?id=145603&page=1#

and here is the backstory of why I am actually sharing it

http://gamrconnect.vgchartz.com/thread.php?id=145521&page=1#

what do you guys think? 

I get a "Not Found Error 404" when I try to open it, and while that's very concise I found it to be lacking. Overall a boring read. I recommend perhaps adding a setting, a plot, some characters, and in general just some more words.

forgot to share it publicly , try again.

Tagged, will read later today.

thanks.

Things that can be fixed with editing and proofing:
- Run-on sentences.
- Overuse of commas.
- Random grammatical errors and typos (such as incorrect tenses, words not being properly capitalized, etc.)
- Paragraphs with two or more characters speaking can be confusing as no breaks are given between each character.

Comments:
- Information was given too freely about the characters and setting; no sense of mystery. Show don't tell.
- In the beginning I was given the impression that C and Neil knew each other (giving off an old friend vibe) but as it went along it seemed like they didn't know anything about one another. It just seemed conflicting.
-No character seemed 'strong'. Every character showed a pretty apparent weakness, whether through stuttering, crying, getting caught off guard, etc. I thought that at least C should be strong, and the girl headhunter at the end as well, considering their type of work.
-For a headhunter that is known to be good, it seemed strange that C so carelessly put himself into danger towards the end by giving up his advantage and going around to the front of the girl headhunter. He even allowed her to aim her gun at him. He also allowed himself to fall asleep in an unknown place surrounded by unknown people.

I see some great potential in this. It looks like it has a great premise and a good setting and background story. Hope to see it fleshed out some more.

thanks a lot man, i'll check out the typos again. as for your comments.

- remember this was just the start, i've wanted to give a general idea about the world, explaining stuff.

- you are right actually , they were both Headhunters, C. knew him as a fellow headhunter, Neil used to talk about his daughter a lot (but not his wife as she left them awhile ago) but Neil retired awhile ago, and became a lord of the underground (Sandman) disguised as a pub owner, of course this is really tempting to C. , as he is one of the main targets, also Neil went "Rogue" as he killed another headhunter, which is basically means you're have broken one of the main rules of being a headhunter. C. didn't know this 

-I don't want my characters to be "Badass" as a sense that they're humans, they get afraid, and are weak, the woman at the end is a young girl, shes actually part of the story , i also dont want characters to be "im just there for show" , i want all of them feel normal.

-that is actually something i am focusing on , C. is actually more famous for his "Style" than his "Skill" (i know, lame right ? ) other headhunters and outlaws, think he is the best in quick draw , while in reality he isn't , like i mentioned in the story , most headhunters use their "Showmanship" to impress their clients, the girl and C. aren't the best, and C. doesnt live in the upper parts of Elyzium were most elite headhunters live

thanks again, feedback is always apprieciated , especially before publishing, and yeah i think i've made a few mistakes on the dialogs, that i noticed reading it again =]

grammar errors and typos aren't really a big deal since they can be fixed easily, other than that:

the use of run on sentences are not good, they're too long and too casual, especially the "oh-shit-I-fucked-up" and "don't-mess-with-me", they felt like totally out of place and awkward, would be better if replaced with simpler and more serious expressions.

it was not always easy to tell which character was talking when all the conversations were cramped into a single paragraph, you would try to break them down into different singular paragraphs, for example:

“Okay... three hundred B elyzian credits” he said as he flicked his fingers about “I suppose this leaves your end of the deal...”
“I understand.. “ Neil said still keeping his calm.
“Good, because you can't break it..”
[continues]

it's much easier to read through conversations like this.

Story wise it's only the first chapter and not enough was given so I can't make comment on that, but it does feel a little awkward how the 'sinister' girl hunter at the end would just break down so easily, maybe you should add a little extra to describe how young or inexperienced she is.

also I find the idea of a headhunter going rogue to be a little weird, because I was given the impression that headhunters are a bunch of lawless freelancers with little morale restrictions, aka rogues, so a rogue going rogue? going rogue is usually used to describe people that turn against a governing body they use to work for or betray their superiors, but headhunters seem to only work for themselves, how can they betray anyone by going rogue if they had no loyalties to begin with, maybe you can try a different expression, like breaking the code or something.

thanks a lot of your time, yes i seem to agree about the confusing dialogs, I didn't notice it while writing awhile back, but I did notice it when I re-read it.

that bolded part is actually explained in later chapters, as well as the girl at the end

Bookmarked for later.

PS I hate reading so send me the audio book version when done haha.