Things that can be fixed with editing and proofing:
- Run-on sentences.
- Overuse of commas.
- Random grammatical errors and typos (such as incorrect tenses, words not being properly capitalized, etc.)
- Paragraphs with two or more characters speaking can be confusing as no breaks are given between each character.
Comments:
- Information was given too freely about the characters and setting; no sense of mystery. Show don't tell.
- In the beginning I was given the impression that C and Neil knew each other (giving off an old friend vibe) but as it went along it seemed like they didn't know anything about one another. It just seemed conflicting.
-No character seemed 'strong'. Every character showed a pretty apparent weakness, whether through stuttering, crying, getting caught off guard, etc. I thought that at least C should be strong, and the girl headhunter at the end as well, considering their type of work.
-For a headhunter that is known to be good, it seemed strange that C so carelessly put himself into danger towards the end by giving up his advantage and going around to the front of the girl headhunter. He even allowed her to aim her gun at him. He also allowed himself to fall asleep in an unknown place surrounded by unknown people.
I see some great potential in this. It looks like it has a great premise and a good setting and background story. Hope to see it fleshed out some more.
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