grammar errors and typos aren't really a big deal since they can be fixed easily, other than that:
the use of run on sentences are not good, they're too long and too casual, especially the "oh-shit-I-fucked-up" and "don't-mess-with-me", they felt like totally out of place and awkward, would be better if replaced with simpler and more serious expressions.
it was not always easy to tell which character was talking when all the conversations were cramped into a single paragraph, you would try to break them down into different singular paragraphs, for example:
“Okay... three hundred B elyzian credits” he said as he flicked his fingers about “I suppose this leaves your end of the deal...”
“I understand.. “ Neil said still keeping his calm.
“Good, because you can't break it..”
[continues]
it's much easier to read through conversations like this.
Story wise it's only the first chapter and not enough was given so I can't make comment on that, but it does feel a little awkward how the 'sinister' girl hunter at the end would just break down so easily, maybe you should add a little extra to describe how young or inexperienced she is.
also I find the idea of a headhunter going rogue to be a little weird, because I was given the impression that headhunters are a bunch of lawless freelancers with little morale restrictions, aka rogues, so a rogue going rogue? going rogue is usually used to describe people that turn against a governing body they use to work for or betray their superiors, but headhunters seem to only work for themselves, how can they betray anyone by going rogue if they had no loyalties to begin with, maybe you can try a different expression, like breaking the code or something.
