I will stick with Classic Game Room and Storm's Adventures tyvm.
Some of those weren't pretty good. And many of you are being too harsh, he took alot of effort making those vids.
First of all, you use too many similes.
You need to stop saying that one thing is like another thing, or that something is ssssoooooo bad that it's like (fill in the blank).
Secondly, you need to start working off the cuff. Don't focus on script writing so much. Play the game for a while and comment on it while you are playing. Record the parts you want to show and use a script to improve what you are saying.
Next, your voice sound is a little sporadic in that it goes high and low and warbles around a bit. Maybe you should start smoking cigarettes heavily?
Your strategy of reviewing old asinine games and shitting on them is what AVGN did. Try to take a different angle on it. Instead, take the design choices from the games and laugh at them, tell us why they're funny rather than why they're shitty and offer constructive criticism. In the Bill and Teds adventure one, you threw pudding on the ground for knights to eat and asked if anyone remembered it from the movie. Instead you should've said something like "It should have been", and then make a joke about why, say some "pudding exclusivity" contract the Keanu signed.
Lastly, you swear too much. Swearing isn't funny. Like "Bill and Ted's 'Shitty' adventure". That itself isn't funny. You need to work on a build up to punchlines. There needs to be a context.
As a side note to that, a lot of your jokes are "delivery sensitive". In the caveman one, you make a bad joke, I think it was, "Manmoth". And then you did a kind of Conan O'brien "that was a terrible joke". However, your delivery was very poor. Those delivery type jokes are very difficult and take lots of practice because they need to be natural. Additionally, it was obvious that it was in the script. It was very unnatural sounding, and is the type of joke you could only get away with if you were improvising on the spot.
Best of luck
EDIT: Too much of these:
"It would be easier, and I’d rather piggy back an elephant while pogo sticking in diarrhea snot pissing out a giant pelican’s mouth in a twister."
Ugh I remembered when you started this and they sucked and now after watching some of (or at least all I could make it through of) some of your more recent ones ones they still suck.
I guess on the positives, you figured out how to use video editing software and it's obvious you're ripping off the AVGN?
I'll give you the same advice I did last time-- sometimes you just have to realize you aren't good at something. You can work harder than everyone else and perhaps one day mecome mediocre, but you will likely never be more than that.
| twesterm said: Ugh I remembered when you started this and they sucked and now after watching some of (or at least all I could make it through of) some of your more recent ones ones they still suck.
I guess on the positives, you figured out how to use video editing software and it's obvious you're ripping off the AVGN? I'll give you the same advice I did last time-- sometimes you just have to realize you aren't good at something. You can work harder than everyone else and perhaps one day become mediocre, but you will likely never be more than that. |
Fixed.
I thank all of the above for the helpful feedback.
NEXT REVIEW SCRIPT
MICKEY MOUSECAPADE
PLEASE HELP ME PERFECT IT.
Ever since they debuted in Plane Crazy, Mickey, who was a fucking asshole, and Minnie, created by Walt Disney and Ub Iwerks in 1928, have been amongst the greatest cartoon stars of all time.
These lovable Disney icons built our childhood with their brilliant cartoons, but at the same time, destroyed them with their shitty games.
One of them is Mickey Mousecapade; Amongst the most ignominiously annoying games I've ever played. Now you're probably wondering, how on Earth can you go wrong with Mickey Mouse? Castle of Illusion is amazing. Well, just wait and see.
To fun house. Okay, we're only at the second screen and the game is already retarded. Why is only one block of wood nailed to the pole? Are the others just floating? Why even have all the letters on three blocks of wood rather than one, why is the "o" of "To" not capitalized, and how do Mickey and Minnie know the fun house is east and not west? Then again, directional signs without arrows usually point North by default and fun? That's the biggest mistake of them all. Nothing about this house is fun. Now unless that's wallpaper, what kind of house is constructed of vertical wood slats? They're always horizontal.
What's the objective? I have no fucking clue; There's no back story whatsoever. Now rather than be a generic platformer buried in the mountain of other generic platformers, this fucker wanted to be creative so Minnie sniffs your farts throughout the entire game, copying your every move and following your ass like Tails does with Sonic, except that Tails is actually helpful, collecting rings and killing enemies for you, while Minnie is negatively useless meaning that she's worse than not being there at all.
Besides shooting one star at a time later on, she does absolutely nothing. She can't collect items nor even be controlled by a second player like Tails, but thankfully she can't be harmed by enemies. She only gets hit if you get hit, which doesn't even matter because she doesn't affect the health bar unless she falls down a bottomless pit or water; Then you'll automatically die with her which doesn't make any sense like how if Popo dies in Melee, Nana evaporates. You also can't leave a screen unless she's right behind you. She is the scourge of the Universe and sometimes she irritatingly gets in front of you.
Many times, you have to go back, get Minnie behind you, then move forward again. It doesn't work. She just gets in the way. Look at this. It's so illogical.
That crow kidnapped Minnie. That would've been awesome if I didn't need her to finish the level so now I have to find a bonus round and win her back. Great. What a wonderful prize.
During your escapade, you'll encounter a lot of annoying enemies like spiders, shrimp, chairs, shitting birds, and jumping cakes with candle wicks?
Would've been nice to have Donald, Daisy, Pluto, Goofy, Chip 'n Dale, Clarabelle, Horace, Scrooge, Huey, Dewey, Louie, Max, Humphrey, Ludwig, and Clara. Then again, they'd probably make them all follow you and call the fucking game Mickey Mouse Parade. It's bad enough with Mickey and Minnie and would even be bad enough with just Mickey because of the horrendous control. It's sluggishly imprecise and when you jump one way, you'll freeze fall every time you try to go the other; A mighty pain in the ass when trying to jump over enemies.
Once you get star power and upgrade it seconds after starting the game, you'll have it until the end no matter what so why not just have it at the beginning?
However, sometimes the upgrade is replaced by an enemy so you have to restart the game because it's nearly impossible to beat without it. Even though you only shoot a maximum of two stars at a time while Minnie shoots a maximum of one star at a time after the upgrade, you'll still see more stars than after a fight with Chuck Norris if you do beat the game and you'll break your thumb by constantly having to tap the A button.
Even with upgraded star power, the game is way too fucking hard and it's a kid's game. Oh, little baby junior wants to play Mickey Mouse on Nintendo? Well unless little baby junior wants to sweat his fucking balls off, little baby junior can go fuck himself.
Level design is a mess, like how you can basically skip entire rooms, but the biggest problem are the enemies. There's so many of them and they throw so many things, the sprites will flicker more than a colosseum of dying light bulbs while the game slows down at a snail's pace which can be good because they move and attack so fast. Some are practically unavoidable, like the poppycock throwing bears and Garfield's retarded nephew, and some take so long to kill while others are so hard to hit because of imprecise aiming control. Also, if you leave a room and return, they immediately re-spawn. I know this is common for Nintendo but it's still annoying.
The falling lights are a bitch. You have to step as little forward than backward as fast as you can. Fucker platypussy! You just have to keep playing it, memorizing where everything is.
Fortunately, there's extra lives and recovery items that you find after shooting every square inch of empty space and grenades. Oh, sorry, wall lights that are turned off. There's so many recovery items, it's almost impossible not to beat level one, but later one, even they won't save you.
After you beat the first boss and get the key, you have to travel all the way back to the beginning; A cheap way to artificially lengthen the level.
Finally we get to level 2. Love how Mickey calls Minnie over, just mocking you because she's so useless.
You don't freeze fall anymore meaning they deliberately made the control worse for level one. Thankfully there's no more rooms, but because we're now on the ocean, the second she falls in, you'll automatically go down with her, so you really have to jump the platforms farther than you normally would. Fuck. Sometimes I somehow, miraculously forget she's behind me until I die because I didn't jump far enough to the next platform. I suppose all these fast and tall waterfalls weren't enough so they had to fucking add a jellyfish on the top. Damn it, there's so many of them.
You know, this level is just like Mario. Look, there's even flying fish. What a fucking hack. The music is the worst. It's so nice and cheerful, it's like it's laughing at me while while armageddon reigns forth upon this fucking game. What? The boss? Already? That explains why this level's so much harder than the first; It's only like, 20% as long. You think that's enough balls you crocofuck? Look at this. How is any kid supposed to dodge all these balls? Or maybe they're circles to go with the stars.
Level 3, both the hardest and longest level, is divided into parts. Keep walking, and the part will loop, so to get to every next part, you'll have to enter a certain tree in the foreground. Enter the wrong one and you'll either have to repeat that part or go back to a previous one; Sometimes, the very beginning. Some trees, you have to make holes while others already have them. The fastest way out is to make a hole and enter the fifth tree which skips part 2, make a hole and enter the third tree, make a hole and enter the first tree after one loop, and then walk to the boss. How is any kid supposed to figure this out? Besides another pattern that's only different by involving part 2, this is the only way out, otherwise, you'll be jumping from part to part for what could be hours. What a fucker nuzzle and why must it take so long to make holes and what's this? Toads in Kuribo's Shoe? Paragoombas? Spitting piranha plants? Oh, sorry, spitting tulips. Even ground is the same. Just give Mickey the raccoon suit and be done with it. Damn, those flowers are massive and they're in the background which means they're even bigger. Compare them to the mice and tulips. Look at all these enemies. Trying to dodge them is suicide so you might as well try to shoot down every one in your path. Never would it be wise here, not to shoot. They never end. Fuck and that music is torture! It's even more cheerful than before and it's like, forcing me to be happy while I'm mad as fuck! Finally. Look at her cheeks and look at his smile.
The pirate should should be between the ocean and the woods and look how short it is. That's it? Are you kidding me? Could this game be anymore inconsistent? Now it would make more sense for this to be the last level because you fight Bootleg Pete, the villain on the label and the only boss that's actually from the Mickey Mouse universe, but no.
The castle. Yeah, only 5 levels while Mario 3 has 8 worlds. That's pathetic. This is where Minnie is the worst. Get up here! Today! For the sake of fuck. Finally. This is so illogical. What? Bootleg Pete is back and now he's just a random enemy? Why isn't he the final boss? Could the ending be any worse? Alice? So that was the objective the entire time? To save Alice? They're not even surprised. They just shout her name like they knew all along. What the fuck does Alice have anything to do with Mickey Mouse? On top of that, it's another Mario rip off and that's it? Nothing else?
You'd be better off getting anal fucked by a walrus with elephantiasis of the dick. What a fucking disgrace to the mouse's legacy.
NEXT REVIEW SCRIPT
BLINX: THE TIME SWEEPER
HELP ME PERFECT IT
Blinx the Time Sweeper is a masterpiece. Blinx the Time Sweeper is a waste of fucking time.
The first 4D action game ever. The 4th dimension is time. Yeah, 4D like the PS3.
Blinx could've been Microsoft's mascot to join Nintendo's Mario, Sega's Sonic, and Sony's Crash but no.
He just had to fall in the mud puddle right away with Sonic and Crash but unlike those two, he never even got the chance to set foot in the spot light.
Okay. Let's get the boring stuff out of the way first.
This anthropomorphic cat works at the Time Factory; A facility outside time itself that creates, distributes, and maintains universal time flow.
When time glitches occur, Time Sweepers like Blinx need to suck them up before they become monsters.
But then Tom-Toms, an evil pig gang, steal so much time in dimension B1Q64, Time Sweepers stop the supply of time to it, indefinitely suspending it and its inhabitants for the sake of the universe.
But when Blinx finds out a princess is trapped in that dimension, he dives into it before it closes to rescue her.
Why? Well apparently he's in love with her. So now we've got Sonic and Elise, Donkey Kong and Pauline, and Blinx and this princess. You know, I think our dimension has a lot more problems than B1Q64.
A pussy should only want pussy pussy, damn it!
At first, the game seems okay. Graphics are beautiful, control is decent, music is nice and sounds like Nights into Dreams which is cool, and controlling time is very innovative. Blinx is a very likable character and this game has a very nice personality of its own. It definitely could've been another Super Mario Bros. but no.
Now before we expose this purr-fect catastrophe, let's talk about the gameplay. This pussy sucks and blows with his TS-1000 vacuum cleaner. Objective is to suck up garbage to shoot down all enemies then go to the end within ten minutes for every stage. That's basically it.
Now let's crack this bitch wide open.
To get to the enemies, you have to jump platforms and control time around you by rewinding, fast-forwarding, pausing, slowing, and recording like a VCR, but frustratingly bad level design never puts any of them to good use. Like, for recording, instead to having to complete two sections of platforming at the same time, all you can really do with it is simultaneously open two gates and fly off teeter-totters. Some platforming areas are clever, though. Now that was cool!
You have to collect three of the same crystals for one time control or four for two without collecting any others. Because of this, there's a lot of backtracking when you run out. Most are laying on the ground and appear after killing enemies but because they don't re-spawn, sometimes you have to restart the entire level because there's no more crystals for a certain time control you need to use to progress. This wouldn't be a problem if there were checkpoints but no; Once you're dead, you'll have to start all the way back at the very beginning.
Some crystals are so close together, you may accidentally pick up a wrong one or sometimes a wrong one will land on you, preventing you from getting four of a kind. This is very annoying. Fuck!
When a time control ends, the game freezes for ten hours; Also very annoying and you can't stop a recording; You have to wait.
But damn, the crystals and gold are so gorgeous, I just wanna pick them all up right away. No, don't go away! Aw man.
Cheap enemies, awkward to dodge, come out of nowhere and are such a pain in the fucking ass to hit. Fuck!
Automatic aiming is flawed. It's imprecise and keeps magnetizing away from the target to bombs, garbage, or other enemies around you; Especially when shooting bombs, that will also arc over rather than go straight or stop by your feet because of uneven ground. Locking on would've been nice.
Ammo is maximized at five and that would be okay if you didn't have to constantly back track even more because there's none where you are.
There's also a very annoying time limit that is illogically not affected by pausing, slowing, or fast forwarding and if time is up, you'll have to redo the entire level all over again. Time extensions would've been nice. Oh crap, time is running out and there's one enemy left but I've run out of garbage. Now I have to go back to suck some up. Damn it! He morphed. Finally! Come on, come on! Blinx, you son of a bitch, I did it.
There's a lot of slow down and camera's a disaster; It keeps getting stuck and it either hides you when you're close to walls, or the enemies.
Tag line is "Who needs nine lives when you can control time?" Because having a maximum of only three retries is so much better than nine lives. Yeah, retries, another time control; Basically, you always only have one life, but a retry will rewind before you die. You can increase the maximum later on but still, the only thing better than nine lives, let alone one, is more. Oh, and just one hit, you die, but even if you had infinite retries, this game still becomes annoyingly difficult.
Boss music annoyingly loops every 2 seconds like gnomes scratching chalkboards in your ears, and what kind of cat can't even climb?
Who is the air cat? Not Blinx.
Even worse, you'll have to replay levels for medallions and gold to buy more powerful vacuums you'll need later. However, you can only have one vacuum at a time and if you ever want to go back to a previous one which may be better against certain enemies, you have to buy it again. Because you can't even sell them, that only means one thing; He throws them away. Bastard. Also, if you enter a level, pick up some gold, then exit, you'll lose it all unless you finish that level; Another pain in the ass.
The biggest problem is that it's fucking dull. Backtracking is a bitch, you move too slow, do the same things over and over again, it's all trial and error, and you're always lost. It's a wasted opportunity that feels like a chore.
Okay, the arrows point this way, but it's a dead end. You know, as cool as all the time control buttons are, my favorite is the eject button.
Time is like a treasure so don't waste it on this fucking game.
Now onto Blinx 2: Masters of Time & Space. World's first 5D game. 5th dimension is space. How many fucking dimensions are there? Well apparently there's eleven including zero. Maybe one day they'll make a Blinx 8; World's first 11D game. Let's just hope that never happens.
Do you want me to turn the game off?
First of all, why did they stretch Blinx? He looks worse. Video game characters are like Peter Pan. They don't need to grow up. But wait... Where is Blinx? Oh, there he is. Can you play as him? Well no, you can't. Why have a Blinx game if you can't even play as Blinx? Sure, you can customize your own cat, but I want Blinx damn it, even though he is longer. He also doesn't play any vital role in the plot.
Anyway, the Time Sweepers need to collect the fragments of a giant crystal that recently shattered before the Tom Toms to prevent a temporal apocalypse. Story and gameplay is split between both sides.
You start the game as a Time Sweeper, playing through pointless tutorials. I mean, really... Platformers don't need tutorials. You'll learn much faster by yourself or by reading the damn manual. 10 years later, it's onto the gameplay. It sucks. It's more boring than the original. Sure, they fixed a few things like including a health bar, checkpoints, ability to lock on targets, multiplayer, and better control, and thankfully you run faster, but gone is the charm of the original. There's simply no personality and now the music sucks ass.
Wow, that's the worst unlocking by twisting a key in a keyhole animation I've ever seen but damn, moving water like jello after stopping time is the coolest.
Okay, a pig and a human? When will the madness end? Now we play as a Tom Tom through more pointless tutorials. 5 years later, it's onto the gameplay and it's worse.
It's like a bad Metal Gear Solid clone that's more generic than a desert. Getting lost is easy because of horrid level design, you go around killing cats with terribly inaccurate weapons, and then there's all these help messages that ruin the puzzles. I really, really don't like playing as a Tom Tom. Sure, playing as a bad guy might seem cool at first, but the novelty wears off right away.
Now it's a battle between four Tom Toms and four Time Sweepers. Of course, my stupid allies die immediately. Now why can't I kill these assholes? Nothing works. I have no idea what I'm doing right now. Items are scattered all over the ground. It's a mess. Notice how bad these graphics are. What happened?
Okay... What is this? Are you kidding me? Two skies? They don't even fade into each other. It looks horrible but look, the edges ripple in the water so I guess that makes it okay. Now you might assume that these are two parallel dimensions; One at night and one at day. But according to the original, you can only enter another dimension through their gate. Otherwise closing the gate wouldn't make a dimension unaccessable. I don't believe this. I just don't believe this. What a piece of fucking shit. Moving on.
Being a game for everyone, it's kind of violent too, wouldn't you say? Killing innocent cats. Yeah, they're the good guys. But wait... I can't even kill them. Damn, they're so annoying. They constantly and simultaneously repeat the same three lines.
Okay, you know what? I can't kill them nor at this point even care to kill them. The game sucks. The end.
This game is worse then a Dog and Human making a Humog. and a disgrace to the cat's legacy! Why must they ruined everything!
Is that good?
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