NEXT REVIEW SCRIPT
MICKEY MOUSECAPADE
PLEASE HELP ME PERFECT IT.
Ever since they debuted in Plane Crazy, Mickey, who was a fucking asshole, and Minnie, created by Walt Disney and Ub Iwerks in 1928, have been amongst the greatest cartoon stars of all time.
These lovable Disney icons built our childhood with their brilliant cartoons, but at the same time, destroyed them with their shitty games.
One of them is Mickey Mousecapade; Amongst the most ignominiously annoying games I've ever played. Now you're probably wondering, how on Earth can you go wrong with Mickey Mouse? Castle of Illusion is amazing. Well, just wait and see.
To fun house. Okay, we're only at the second screen and the game is already retarded. Why is only one block of wood nailed to the pole? Are the others just floating? Why even have all the letters on three blocks of wood rather than one, why is the "o" of "To" not capitalized, and how do Mickey and Minnie know the fun house is east and not west? Then again, directional signs without arrows usually point North by default and fun? That's the biggest mistake of them all. Nothing about this house is fun. Now unless that's wallpaper, what kind of house is constructed of vertical wood slats? They're always horizontal.
What's the objective? I have no fucking clue; There's no back story whatsoever. Now rather than be a generic platformer buried in the mountain of other generic platformers, this fucker wanted to be creative so Minnie sniffs your farts throughout the entire game, copying your every move and following your ass like Tails does with Sonic, except that Tails is actually helpful, collecting rings and killing enemies for you, while Minnie is negatively useless meaning that she's worse than not being there at all.
Besides shooting one star at a time later on, she does absolutely nothing. She can't collect items nor even be controlled by a second player like Tails, but thankfully she can't be harmed by enemies. She only gets hit if you get hit, which doesn't even matter because she doesn't affect the health bar unless she falls down a bottomless pit or water; Then you'll automatically die with her which doesn't make any sense like how if Popo dies in Melee, Nana evaporates. You also can't leave a screen unless she's right behind you. She is the scourge of the Universe and sometimes she irritatingly gets in front of you.
Many times, you have to go back, get Minnie behind you, then move forward again. It doesn't work. She just gets in the way. Look at this. It's so illogical.
That crow kidnapped Minnie. That would've been awesome if I didn't need her to finish the level so now I have to find a bonus round and win her back. Great. What a wonderful prize.
During your escapade, you'll encounter a lot of annoying enemies like spiders, shrimp, chairs, shitting birds, and jumping cakes with candle wicks?
Would've been nice to have Donald, Daisy, Pluto, Goofy, Chip 'n Dale, Clarabelle, Horace, Scrooge, Huey, Dewey, Louie, Max, Humphrey, Ludwig, and Clara. Then again, they'd probably make them all follow you and call the fucking game Mickey Mouse Parade. It's bad enough with Mickey and Minnie and would even be bad enough with just Mickey because of the horrendous control. It's sluggishly imprecise and when you jump one way, you'll freeze fall every time you try to go the other; A mighty pain in the ass when trying to jump over enemies.
Once you get star power and upgrade it seconds after starting the game, you'll have it until the end no matter what so why not just have it at the beginning?
However, sometimes the upgrade is replaced by an enemy so you have to restart the game because it's nearly impossible to beat without it. Even though you only shoot a maximum of two stars at a time while Minnie shoots a maximum of one star at a time after the upgrade, you'll still see more stars than after a fight with Chuck Norris if you do beat the game and you'll break your thumb by constantly having to tap the A button.
Even with upgraded star power, the game is way too fucking hard and it's a kid's game. Oh, little baby junior wants to play Mickey Mouse on Nintendo? Well unless little baby junior wants to sweat his fucking balls off, little baby junior can go fuck himself.
Level design is a mess, like how you can basically skip entire rooms, but the biggest problem are the enemies. There's so many of them and they throw so many things, the sprites will flicker more than a colosseum of dying light bulbs while the game slows down at a snail's pace which can be good because they move and attack so fast. Some are practically unavoidable, like the poppycock throwing bears and Garfield's retarded nephew, and some take so long to kill while others are so hard to hit because of imprecise aiming control. Also, if you leave a room and return, they immediately re-spawn. I know this is common for Nintendo but it's still annoying.
The falling lights are a bitch. You have to step as little forward than backward as fast as you can. Fucker platypussy! You just have to keep playing it, memorizing where everything is.
Fortunately, there's extra lives and recovery items that you find after shooting every square inch of empty space and grenades. Oh, sorry, wall lights that are turned off. There's so many recovery items, it's almost impossible not to beat level one, but later one, even they won't save you.
After you beat the first boss and get the key, you have to travel all the way back to the beginning; A cheap way to artificially lengthen the level.
Finally we get to level 2. Love how Mickey calls Minnie over, just mocking you because she's so useless.
You don't freeze fall anymore meaning they deliberately made the control worse for level one. Thankfully there's no more rooms, but because we're now on the ocean, the second she falls in, you'll automatically go down with her, so you really have to jump the platforms farther than you normally would. Fuck. Sometimes I somehow, miraculously forget she's behind me until I die because I didn't jump far enough to the next platform. I suppose all these fast and tall waterfalls weren't enough so they had to fucking add a jellyfish on the top. Damn it, there's so many of them.
You know, this level is just like Mario. Look, there's even flying fish. What a fucking hack. The music is the worst. It's so nice and cheerful, it's like it's laughing at me while while armageddon reigns forth upon this fucking game. What? The boss? Already? That explains why this level's so much harder than the first; It's only like, 20% as long. You think that's enough balls you crocofuck? Look at this. How is any kid supposed to dodge all these balls? Or maybe they're circles to go with the stars.
Level 3, both the hardest and longest level, is divided into parts. Keep walking, and the part will loop, so to get to every next part, you'll have to enter a certain tree in the foreground. Enter the wrong one and you'll either have to repeat that part or go back to a previous one; Sometimes, the very beginning. Some trees, you have to make holes while others already have them. The fastest way out is to make a hole and enter the fifth tree which skips part 2, make a hole and enter the third tree, make a hole and enter the first tree after one loop, and then walk to the boss. How is any kid supposed to figure this out? Besides another pattern that's only different by involving part 2, this is the only way out, otherwise, you'll be jumping from part to part for what could be hours. What a fucker nuzzle and why must it take so long to make holes and what's this? Toads in Kuribo's Shoe? Paragoombas? Spitting piranha plants? Oh, sorry, spitting tulips. Even ground is the same. Just give Mickey the raccoon suit and be done with it. Damn, those flowers are massive and they're in the background which means they're even bigger. Compare them to the mice and tulips. Look at all these enemies. Trying to dodge them is suicide so you might as well try to shoot down every one in your path. Never would it be wise here, not to shoot. They never end. Fuck and that music is torture! It's even more cheerful than before and it's like, forcing me to be happy while I'm mad as fuck! Finally. Look at her cheeks and look at his smile.
The pirate should should be between the ocean and the woods and look how short it is. That's it? Are you kidding me? Could this game be anymore inconsistent? Now it would make more sense for this to be the last level because you fight Bootleg Pete, the villain on the label and the only boss that's actually from the Mickey Mouse universe, but no.
The castle. Yeah, only 5 levels while Mario 3 has 8 worlds. That's pathetic. This is where Minnie is the worst. Get up here! Today! For the sake of fuck. Finally. This is so illogical. What? Bootleg Pete is back and now he's just a random enemy? Why isn't he the final boss? Could the ending be any worse? Alice? So that was the objective the entire time? To save Alice? They're not even surprised. They just shout her name like they knew all along. What the fuck does Alice have anything to do with Mickey Mouse? On top of that, it's another Mario rip off and that's it? Nothing else?
You'd be better off getting anal fucked by a walrus with elephantiasis of the dick. What a fucking disgrace to the mouse's legacy.
