A grasshopper walks into a bar, sits down, orders a drink

bartender says, "hey! we've got a drink named after you!"

Grasshopper says:







You got a drink named Steve?

(This one's much better with hand motions)

Q: Why did Helen Keller only masturbate with one hand?

A: So she can moan with the other

(this is where, for effect, i usually make up sign language for ecstatic moaning. Trust me, it's funny)

Q: Why did Helen Keller's dog leave her?



A: You would, too if your name was ARGHERAGRNNGRANNNGRN!

(again, this one is much funnier out loud, as the spelling online kinda ruins the joke)

A bear walks into a bar, sits down, says to the bartender, "I'd like a gin.....................................................................................................................
...........................................................and tonic."

Bartender says, "what's with the big pause?"

Bear: "I'm a bear..."

Q: Why did the ladies looooove Jesus?

A: (with arms outstretched, as if hanging on a cross, for example) Because he was hung like this!

The functions are sitting in a bar, chatting (how fast they go to zero at infinity etc.). Suddenly, one cries "Beware! Derivation is coming!"

As they all immediately hide themselves under the tables, only the exponential sits calmly on the chair.

The derivation comes in, sees a function and says "Hey, you don't fear me?"
"No, I'm e to the x", says the exponential, confidently.

"Well" replies the derivation "I'm d over dy"

Q: How do you know Adam wasn't black?

A: You ever try and take a rib away from a black man?

Q: What's the difference between an irish wedding and an irish wake?

A: One less drunk guy

(this one's so true, I'm plenty irish to know this one)