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Forums - General Discussion - I beat up my step dad. Was I wrong in doing so? (Long read)

Max King of the Wild said:
Xxain said:
What exactly counts as harassment in your book?


I'd like to know too. I'm assuming the step-dad might have insulted which is awful and shouldn't happen. However, this is NOT an excuse. The stepdad didn't force him to turn around with insults horrorfest did that willingly with the option to just leave.


no, eventually you have to stand up and do something about it. I told him to stop his running his mouth and he refused. I tried walking away and he kept going on. Any other guy in my shoes probably would have done the same. When you hear him bitch about you not actually saying it to your face you would all feel the exact same way. 



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Aielyn said:
I feel I need to make some comments, here.

Horrorfest, you were wrong. No matter how much he might have called you names or otherwise verbally harassed you, it's no justification for getting violent. But that's not the real issue, here.

As others have already pointed out, your own story has you refusing to do anything around the house unless you're directly compensated. It has you turning to your mother when your problem is with your stepfather, which can only cause friction in their relationship (which you claim to not want to have turn sour because of you).

You complain about him not living up to his word. And yet, he did take you driving, and he *was* offering it with nothing in return. Meanwhile, have you ever offered him any help? Have you ever heard him doing some yard work, or some cleaning around the house, or anything like that, and gone to check if there was anything you could do to help (even if it was just offering to get him a drink)? Based on your story, I get the sense that you didn't - after all, you get nothing from it.

You spent quite a bit of time in your story invoking your "problems". Your "bad sleeping problems" results in you not waking up until early afternoon - so when one of them offers you driving lessons in the morning, you refuse because it doesn't suit you. And then you complain about them not offering driving lessons. As you've said, your stepfather offered to sell the car to you before he sold it to anybody else - you turned him down. Why should he then feel obligated to keep you apprised of his effort to sell the car to other people? It's not like he promised you the car and then went behind your back to sell it to somebody else.

Your acne situation was invoked to justify a "really bad life". I'm sorry, but are you kidding? There are people out there who were constantly bullied, people who were ostracised from even their own family for being gay, people who grow up in families that can't even afford more than one small meal a day, if that. There are people who grew up on the streets, people who grew up with major handicaps, people who grew up without any family at all. Now, I'm not diminishing your depression - that's entirely valid, and I recognise that nobody can challenge you over that... but it was only depression - that is, the rest of your life sounded pretty solid, to me. You don't get to use acne-invoked depression as a justification for the build up resulting in you violently beating up a guy for calling you names.

As such, I have a few suggestions for you:

1. Learn to let out your anger - don't keep it bottled up. If you're upset with your stepfather, approach him and let him know, feeling the anger but remaining calm about it. If he calls out your manhood or otherwise verbally harasses you, simply respond by pointing out the absurdity of making such claims, and then asking why he feels it necessary to demean you. Feel the anger, but don't let it control you.

2. Much more importantly than 1, start to help out more around the house. Don't ask for anything in return - they are already providing you with food and shelter, and probably a lot of other things (you're on here, I'm betting you have pretty much free access to internet, for instance). If one of them is in the middle of doing something that takes some effort, make sure you go and offer your assistance, either in terms of direct help or indirectly through support (like getting drinks, fetching tools, etc). Every once in a while, ask them if there's anything they need done.

After a while, you'll discover that they'll start making offers to help you, too. They'll offer to adjust their schedules to make sure you get a driving lesson in. And they'll actually fulfil their promises in that regard.

3. Start taking more interest in your mother's and stepfather's lives. You complained about not knowing that they were selling the car until they'd already sold it - if you'd taken an interest, you'd probably have learned about the decision around the same time that they offered to sell it to you - heck, they may have even asked if you had any ideas for alternative solutions to the money situation that resulted in them selling the car.

4. Quite simply, "man up". Stop blaming other things for the situation you find yourself in. Neither your mother nor your stepfather have the time to take you for a driving lesson? Well, how much does a professional driving lesson cost in your area? Can you get a part-time job and earn the money necessary to pay for an hour of it every couple of weeks, perhaps?

Being a man has nothing to do with getting physically violent and beating up other people. It has to do with taking responsibility for your own situation, and being respectful and helpful to others (especially family). Being a woman, by the way, is about exactly the same thing. Turning to violence is adolescent and childish - and the fact that you walked away first doesn't diminish that.


Take this advice Horrorfest.

You still haven't told us what "harassing" means to you. What did he literally say before you assaulted him?



Horrorfest said:

no, eventually you have to stand up and do something about it. I told him to stop his running his mouth and he refused. I tried walking away and he kept going on. Any other guy in my shoes probably would have done the same. When you hear him bitch about you not actually saying it to your face you would all feel the exact same way.

I'm sorry, Horrorfest, but you're wrong. For one thing, there's a difference between standing up to someone and assaulting them. For another, a mature guy would recognise insults for what they are - an insecure person trying to lower others in order to feel better about themselves (assuming that they were true insults, rather than criticisms that you took poorly... which is what I suspect was really going on).

If his bitching weren't on the money, you could have shut him down easily by contradicting him on those points.



This is your story, told from your point of view, and even then you come off as a winy spoiled teenager that needs everyone to do everything for him. So based on this I'd say you were wrong. Vey wrong.

 

Edit: Ok, I'll try to be more supportive and tell you my own story.

I had a really rough time as a teenager myself. I had no father and lived in my grandmother's appartment. I had a reeeaaally bad relationship with my grandma, to the point where I couldn't even eat in front of her because I was disgusted by her mere presence. I had absolutely no intimacy because my grandmother gave me none and would enter my bedroom at will and move shit around every day, several times a day, while I was inside. I couldn't even wank, for fuck's sake. Even today I can't see her, because the last time I stayed in her appartment for a few days I started losing hair. Yup, I lose hair by being with her for over a few hours.

My mum, for a long while, had no job and we were living on fucking benefits. Also, I hated school with a passion and was extremely depressed in general. I needed psychological help, for sure, though I never decided to go through that. There are some other things that I won't mention here.

 

What I did was get the fuck out as soon as I turned 18. I left not only that appartment, but my fucking country, in order to be as far and isolated as possible. I did NOT have it easy, I left with $800 or so, and had to flatshare in a cheap place with some Nigerian people. But I had my own tiny room and that was heaven to me. 

But that was just the beginning. Things became much better over time and now I'm extremely happy with my life. I'm mentally as healthy as I can possibly be, very happy with my job, my income, my appartment, my wife, my friends and myself. And everything I have achieved, I have achieved by myself.

 

Living in a destructive environment is not gonna do you any good, leave the fucking place, become independent and free yourself from external damaging things in your life.



No troll is too much for me to handle. I rehabilitate trolls, I train people. I am the Troll Whisperer.

Horrorfest said:
Max King of the Wild said:
Xxain said:
What exactly counts as harassment in your book?


I'd like to know too. I'm assuming the step-dad might have insulted which is awful and shouldn't happen. However, this is NOT an excuse. The stepdad didn't force him to turn around with insults horrorfest did that willingly with the option to just leave.


no, eventually you have to stand up and do something about it. I told him to stop his running his mouth and he refused. I tried walking away and he kept going on. Any other guy in my shoes probably would have done the same. When you hear him bitch about you not actually saying it to your face you would all feel the exact same way. 

I haven't seen my son in about 2 years. I've been in and out of court over it because the mother ran off to Texas without my permission. Now, when I get into a disagreement with people they tend to like to make low blows. However, one in particular is that "you are an awful father and it's no reason why your ex ran away" which is said in a disagreement about running to the store for groceries while I have finals all this week. Yeah, it pisses me off. Yeah, it gets under my skin. But you know what? I know that's exactly what those people are trying to do and I laugh it off and think how stupid they sound. I don't insult them back, unless you say "Youre stupid for even bringing that up because it's irrelevant" is insulting and I certainly don't assualt them. You are just flat out wrong. You had other options. One would be go for a walk so you aren't around him



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I too would like to know exactly what he said that was "harassment".

The fact the OP keeps dodging that questions leads me to believe that it wasn't harassment, it was criticism and judging by the way the OP presents himself, well, he wouldn't take kindly to criticism.



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Max King of the Wild said:
Horrorfest said:
Max King of the Wild said:
Xxain said:
What exactly counts as harassment in your book?


I'd like to know too. I'm assuming the step-dad might have insulted which is awful and shouldn't happen. However, this is NOT an excuse. The stepdad didn't force him to turn around with insults horrorfest did that willingly with the option to just leave.


no, eventually you have to stand up and do something about it. I told him to stop his running his mouth and he refused. I tried walking away and he kept going on. Any other guy in my shoes probably would have done the same. When you hear him bitch about you not actually saying it to your face you would all feel the exact same way. 

I haven't seen my son in about 2 years. I've been in and out of court over it because the mother ran off to Texas without my permission. Now, when I get into a disagreement with people they tend to like to make low blows. However, one in particular is that "you are an awful father and it's no reason why your ex ran away" which is said in a disagreement about running to the store for groceries while I have finals all this week. Yeah, it pisses me off. Yeah, it gets under my skin. But you know what? I know that's exactly what those people are trying to do and I laugh it off and think how stupid they sound. I don't insult them back, unless you say "Youre stupid for even bringing that up because it's irrelevant" is insulting and I certainly don't assualt them. You are just flat out wrong. You had other options. One would be go for a walk so you aren't around him

Agreed. No matter what one tells you, you have no right to physically hurt them. The only reason I can think for beating someone up is if yours or your family's/friend's life is in immediate danger by their actions. 



Euphoria14 said:
I too would like to know exactly what he said that was "harassment".

The fact the OP keeps dodging that questions leads me to believe that it wasn't harassment, it was criticism and judging by the way the OP presents himself, well, he wouldn't take kindly to criticism.

It's personal. He said many different things. It was no one thing. He would routinely to tell me to go fuck myself and the day it happened was signing "You can go fuck yourself, fuck yourself, fuck yourself" He didnt say me by name (never did) but it was always directed at me. Many other things. Routine insults. Even bashing things I watched on Netflix for literally zero reason other to insult me except it wasn't very insulting since for some reason he only considers Terminator 2 decent. As well as being very very very annoying on purpose.

When most of the time you can't even focus on your school work or even enjoy a game or movie because he is bitching about something you would lose it too. I heard him constantly he never shut up and in general that's him but lately as well as times in the past he said shit just to harass me, annoy me and irriate me. It's what he does. 



Aielyn said:
I feel I need to make some comments, here.

Horrorfest, you were wrong. No matter how much he might have called you names or otherwise verbally harassed you, it's no justification for getting violent. But that's not the real issue, here.

As others have already pointed out, your own story has you refusing to do anything around the house unless you're directly compensated. It has you turning to your mother when your problem is with your stepfather, which can only cause friction in their relationship (which you claim to not want to have turn sour because of you).

You complain about him not living up to his word. And yet, he did take you driving, and he *was* offering it with nothing in return. Meanwhile, have you ever offered him any help? Have you ever heard him doing some yard work, or some cleaning around the house, or anything like that, and gone to check if there was anything you could do to help (even if it was just offering to get him a drink)? Based on your story, I get the sense that you didn't - after all, you get nothing from it.

You spent quite a bit of time in your story invoking your "problems". Your "bad sleeping problems" results in you not waking up until early afternoon - so when one of them offers you driving lessons in the morning, you refuse because it doesn't suit you. And then you complain about them not offering driving lessons. As you've said, your stepfather offered to sell the car to you before he sold it to anybody else - you turned him down. Why should he then feel obligated to keep you apprised of his effort to sell the car to other people? It's not like he promised you the car and then went behind your back to sell it to somebody else.

Your acne situation was invoked to justify a "really bad life". I'm sorry, but are you kidding? There are people out there who were constantly bullied, people who were ostracised from even their own family for being gay, people who grow up in families that can't even afford more than one small meal a day, if that. There are people who grew up on the streets, people who grew up with major handicaps, people who grew up without any family at all. Now, I'm not diminishing your depression - that's entirely valid, and I recognise that nobody can challenge you over that... but it was only depression - that is, the rest of your life sounded pretty solid, to me. You don't get to use acne-invoked depression as a justification for the build up resulting in you violently beating up a guy for calling you names.

As such, I have a few suggestions for you:

1. Learn to let out your anger - don't keep it bottled up. If you're upset with your stepfather, approach him and let him know, feeling the anger but remaining calm about it. If he calls out your manhood or otherwise verbally harasses you, simply respond by pointing out the absurdity of making such claims, and then asking why he feels it necessary to demean you. Feel the anger, but don't let it control you.

2. Much more importantly than 1, start to help out more around the house. Don't ask for anything in return - they are already providing you with food and shelter, and probably a lot of other things (you're on here, I'm betting you have pretty much free access to internet, for instance). If one of them is in the middle of doing something that takes some effort, make sure you go and offer your assistance, either in terms of direct help or indirectly through support (like getting drinks, fetching tools, etc). Every once in a while, ask them if there's anything they need done.

After a while, you'll discover that they'll start making offers to help you, too. They'll offer to adjust their schedules to make sure you get a driving lesson in. And they'll actually fulfil their promises in that regard.

3. Start taking more interest in your mother's and stepfather's lives. You complained about not knowing that they were selling the car until they'd already sold it - if you'd taken an interest, you'd probably have learned about the decision around the same time that they offered to sell it to you - heck, they may have even asked if you had any ideas for alternative solutions to the money situation that resulted in them selling the car.

4. Quite simply, "man up". Stop blaming other things for the situation you find yourself in. Neither your mother nor your stepfather have the time to take you for a driving lesson? Well, how much does a professional driving lesson cost in your area? Can you get a part-time job and earn the money necessary to pay for an hour of it every couple of weeks, perhaps?

Being a man has nothing to do with getting physically violent and beating up other people. It has to do with taking responsibility for your own situation, and being respectful and helpful to others (especially family). Being a woman, by the way, is about exactly the same thing. Turning to violence is adolescent and childish - and the fact that you walked away first doesn't diminish that.

 


This dude sounds like a spoiled brat. Soon as he doesnt get his way he pouts. I bet you his stepfather or whatever is bitching because this 20yr old kid is acting and being treated like he is 12. Stop saying what you tried to do. All you had to do was keep walking. Beating him up didn't make you any better than him. You have so many problems that you should leave.

Damnit youre 20 stop acting like someone owes you something. You sound like you are spoiled rotten. Won't do anything unless you're compensated lol. Did you give him gas money each time you drove?hims vehicle? I seriously couldn't believe some are taking up for him. 



TheSting said:

Aielyn said:
I feel I need to make some comments, here.

Horrorfest, you were wrong. No matter how much he might have called you names or otherwise verbally harassed you, it's no justification for getting violent. But that's not the real issue, here.

As others have already pointed out, your own story has you refusing to do anything around the house unless you're directly compensated. It has you turning to your mother when your problem is with your stepfather, which can only cause friction in their relationship (which you claim to not want to have turn sour because of you).

You complain about him not living up to his word. And yet, he did take you driving, and he *was* offering it with nothing in return. Meanwhile, have you ever offered him any help? Have you ever heard him doing some yard work, or some cleaning around the house, or anything like that, and gone to check if there was anything you could do to help (even if it was just offering to get him a drink)? Based on your story, I get the sense that you didn't - after all, you get nothing from it.

You spent quite a bit of time in your story invoking your "problems". Your "bad sleeping problems" results in you not waking up until early afternoon - so when one of them offers you driving lessons in the morning, you refuse because it doesn't suit you. And then you complain about them not offering driving lessons. As you've said, your stepfather offered to sell the car to you before he sold it to anybody else - you turned him down. Why should he then feel obligated to keep you apprised of his effort to sell the car to other people? It's not like he promised you the car and then went behind your back to sell it to somebody else.

Your acne situation was invoked to justify a "really bad life". I'm sorry, but are you kidding? There are people out there who were constantly bullied, people who were ostracised from even their own family for being gay, people who grow up in families that can't even afford more than one small meal a day, if that. There are people who grew up on the streets, people who grew up with major handicaps, people who grew up without any family at all. Now, I'm not diminishing your depression - that's entirely valid, and I recognise that nobody can challenge you over that... but it was only depression - that is, the rest of your life sounded pretty solid, to me. You don't get to use acne-invoked depression as a justification for the build up resulting in you violently beating up a guy for calling you names.

As such, I have a few suggestions for you:

1. Learn to let out your anger - don't keep it bottled up. If you're upset with your stepfather, approach him and let him know, feeling the anger but remaining calm about it. If he calls out your manhood or otherwise verbally harasses you, simply respond by pointing out the absurdity of making such claims, and then asking why he feels it necessary to demean you. Feel the anger, but don't let it control you.

2. Much more importantly than 1, start to help out more around the house. Don't ask for anything in return - they are already providing you with food and shelter, and probably a lot of other things (you're on here, I'm betting you have pretty much free access to internet, for instance). If one of them is in the middle of doing something that takes some effort, make sure you go and offer your assistance, either in terms of direct help or indirectly through support (like getting drinks, fetching tools, etc). Every once in a while, ask them if there's anything they need done.

After a while, you'll discover that they'll start making offers to help you, too. They'll offer to adjust their schedules to make sure you get a driving lesson in. And they'll actually fulfil their promises in that regard.

3. Start taking more interest in your mother's and stepfather's lives. You complained about not knowing that they were selling the car until they'd already sold it - if you'd taken an interest, you'd probably have learned about the decision around the same time that they offered to sell it to you - heck, they may have even asked if you had any ideas for alternative solutions to the money situation that resulted in them selling the car.

4. Quite simply, "man up". Stop blaming other things for the situation you find yourself in. Neither your mother nor your stepfather have the time to take you for a driving lesson? Well, how much does a professional driving lesson cost in your area? Can you get a part-time job and earn the money necessary to pay for an hour of it every couple of weeks, perhaps?

Being a man has nothing to do with getting physically violent and beating up other people. It has to do with taking responsibility for your own situation, and being respectful and helpful to others (especially family). Being a woman, by the way, is about exactly the same thing. Turning to violence is adolescent and childish - and the fact that you walked away first doesn't diminish that.

 


This dude sounds like a spoiled brat. Soon as he doesnt get his way he pouts. I bet you his stepfather or whatever is bitching because this 20yr old kid is acting and being treated like he is 12. Stop saying what you tried to do. All you had to do was keep walking. Beating him up didn't make you any better than him. You have so many problems that you should leave.

Damnit youre 20 stop acting like someone owes you something. You sound like you are spoiled rotten. Won't do anything unless you're compensated lol. Did you give him gas money each time you drove?hims vehicle? I seriously couldn't believe some are taking up for him. 

Except you're missing the part where I never asked for anything and I kept my myself shut. i didn't go bitching to him. You are guilty as well of not even reading the whole fucking story. That's all I'm going to say since you don't even bother to know the whole story. Don't talk about something when you don't even care enough to know the complete story. Retarded. Some of you who actually read the story made good points about me being both wrong and right but this is just pathetic. Responding to this when you didn't even read the whole story.