Last night, I spent almost an hour making a list of 10 awesome Metal Gear moments. It included Snake crawling through the microwave tunnel, Raiden vs. Vamp, and Snake taking on The End in MGS3. My girlfriend asked me to take out the garbage, and when I came back, all of my work and witty commentary was gone! She was looking at clothes or something. You have no idea how my heart broke. Well, as an added bonus, I was going to toss in a list of moments that made me say, "What the fuck!?". Here are those moments:
8. "You scared of needles or something?" (Metal Gear Solid 4/PS3): In a far away country, in the middle of a battlefield, Snake meets CGI Quality Drebin for the first time. Within minutes, the two are in the back of Drebin's vehicle shooting up crystal meth. The game says it was nano-machines, but you and I know better (explains why Snake got so old, so fast, too!). Ever since that time back in 1997 when I woke up without a kidney, I stopped letting random guys shoot me up with needles. It's never a good idea. So, how the hell is Snake a ten year vet if he hasn't learned this?
7. "Metal Gear?" (Metal Gear/Nes) : So I pick up this cool new game called Metal Gear for the Nes, back in 1988. I'm digging the new gameplay mechanics and looking forward to the final boss fight against that nuclear equipped walking death mobile. I take out Big Boss (who blew my mind by being a traitor --one of my top ten awesome moments) and then I fight........a computer. A fucking computer. It didn't even fight back! It just sat there the whole time, thinking about computer boobs. If the game was called Metal Gear, it would have been nice to fight or at least see a Metal Gear, right?
6. "You are The One, Snake" (Metal Gear Solid: The Twin Snakes/Gamecube): So you're playing the re-make of Metal Gear Solid on your Gamecube. It's a little over the top, but still its a good game. Then, it happens. Snake jumps the shark. Yeah, he drop-kicked a fucking tank earlier, but hey who wouldn't if they were doped up on Nano-Machines? It was the part where Snake jumped on a missle like Mario on a Goomba, hopped off of it, flew through the air, and shot down a helicopter with a rocket launcher. I stood up and said, "You know, that is highly improbable." Or I said, "BULLSHIT!!" I don't remember.
5. "Here comes The Pain!" (Metal Gear Solid 3/ Playstation 2): Look at the Cobra Unit. Quite a collection of bad asses, right? You have The Boss/The Joy. She's the baddest badass to ever badass a badass. You have The Fear. He's a master of Camoflauge and survival. You have the End. He's a legendary sniper --gotta have one of those on your team, right? You have The Fury. A guy like that would come in handy on a battlefield with his ability to fly, flamethrower, and infinite rage, right? And then, there's the Pain. Oh, the Pain. Here is a guy who can control bees. Bees. When you first encounter him, he has a swarm of bees fly off with Dr. Sokolov. Wow. Really, Kojima? And to make matters worse, it turns out that he's not even that good when it comes to controlling bees! Later in the game, his bees kill soldiers that are on his side (Of course they were no match for Ocelot and his twirly gun skills.)! And after wowing us with his ability to make a "bee clone" of himself (probably has a "bee Jessica Alba" at home, too....) and make bees carry a hand grenade, he reveals that HE'S been stung in the face by bees about 10 Kajillion times by his own bees!!! When assembling a bad ass military unit, I would make sure that MY bee guy would be skilled enough with bees that he wouldn't let that happen. Otherwise, he's NOT ridng in the chopper with the rest of us.
4. "Otocon is crying." (Metal Gear Solid, Metal Gear Solid 2, Metal Gear Solid 4, Gone With The Wind, Weekend at Bernie's 2, Superbowl XXV, etc.): When you first meet Otocon, he pisses his pants. Then he cries, "Oh, I'm so stupid! My nuclear equipped walking death mobile is being used for evil?" It's okay, then. You really feel for the guy. But then, Sniper Wolf dies. Otocon is crying again! To his defense, she was kinda hot. I cry whenever a hot chick dies, too. But then, Emma dies. Otocon crying again. Otocon had sex with his step-mom. He's crying again. The girl he has sex with one time dies (Naomi). He's crying again! At what point does Snake get tired of all of this and bitch slap him, yelling, "Oh for crying out loud, man!"?
3. "Raiden" (Metal Gear Solid 2/ Playstation 2): So you play the demo. Solid Snake. You watch the trailers. Solid Snake is fighting Fortune. You buy the retail game and look on the box. Solid Snake is there, too. You play the game and you get pure Solid Snake goodness........but then it happens. The REAL game begins and you have to play as Raiden. Raiden was cool (when he wasn't doing naked cartwheels) but why Kojima? Why did you lie to us? It's like going to Kentucky Fried Chicken and ordering a chicken sandwich and finding out that they gave you fish. Pussy fish.
2. "I'm a 10 year vet!" (Metal Gear Solid 4/PS3): What did we do to deserve a character a cringe-worthy as Akiba? If I'm playing MGS4, Akiba is onscreen, and my girlfriend walks in, I immediately change the channel to transvestite porn and drop my pants. It's far less embarrassing. Not since Jar Jar Binks has a character tried so hard to kill a beloved franchise. Akiba poops. Akiba farts. Akiba proposes to women in the middle of intense gunfights. But most of all, Akiba sucks.
1. "No foreplay?" (Metal Gear Solid 2/PS2, Metal Gear Solid 3/PS2): You save the President. He grabs your balls. That's how it works, right? Well how do you explain Colonel Volgin? You walk up to him in a Raikov mask and HE grabs your balls, too! I tried to figure out what it meant (secret handshake?) but then repressed thoughts from my childhood began to manifest. I figured it was best to leave this one alone..........
And there you have it. My top ten seven Metal Gear moments that made me say, "What the F?". Am I missing any?
