What's black and blue and not a virgin anymore
.
.
.
.
..
you don't want to read this.
.
.
.
.
..
seriously bad joke
.
.
.
.
. don't say i didn't warn you.
.
.
.
.
.
Maddie's corpse

Three convicts were on the way to prison. They were each allowed to take one item with them to help them occupy their time while incarcerated.

On the bus, one turned to another and said, "So, what did you bring?"

The second convict pulled out a box of paints and stated that he intended to paint anything he could. He wanted to become the "Grandma Moses of Jail."

Then he asked the first, "What did you bring?"

The first convict pulled out a deck of cards and grinned and said, "I brought cards. I can play poker, solitaire, gin, and any number of games."

The third convict was sitting quietly aside, grinning to himself. The other two took notice and asked, "Why are you so smug? What did you bring?"

The guy pulled out a box of tampons and smiled. He said, "I brought these."

The other two were puzzled and asked, "What can you do with those?"

He grinned and pointed to the box and said, "Well according to the box, I can go horseback riding, swimming, roller-skating...."

A woman was thinking about finding a pet to help keep her company at home. She decided she would like to find a beautiful parrot. It wouldn't be as much work as a dog, and it would be fun to hear it speak. She went to a pet shop and immediately spotted a large beautiful parrot. She went to the owner of the store and asked how much the bird cost.
The owner said it was $50.

Delighted that such a rare looking and beautiful bird wasn't more expensive, she agreed to buy it.

The owner looked at her and said, "Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a whorehouse and sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff."

The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird. She told the owner that she still wanted the bird. The pet shop owner sold her the bird and she took it home. She hung the bird's cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something. The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said, "New house, new madam."

The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought "that's not so bad,"

A couple hours later, the woman's two teenage daughters returned from school. When they inspected the bird, it looked at them and said, "New house, new madam, new whores." The girls and the woman were a bit offended at first, but then began to laugh about the situation.

A couple of hours later, the woman's husband, came home from work. The bird looked at him and said, "New house, new madam, new whores... ...same old faces. Hi Ray."

A newly-wed couple had just come home from their honeymoon, and were beginning to settle down and live life together at home. Upon cooking the first meal for her husband the wife confessed that she only knew how to cook two things: beef stew and cherry pie. Having said that they sat down to eat.

After dinner the wife asked her husband what he thought of her lovely meal.

He responded, "Honey, it sure was delicious, but which one was it?"

Here's a corny one:

Did you hear about the cow that tried to jump over the barbed wire fence?

.
.
.

Utter destruction!!!

Elephant jokes (more corny)

What did Tarzan say when he saw the elephants coming up the hill?
.
.
.
"Here come the elephants up over the hill."


Why do elephants paint their toenails red?
.
.
.
.
So they can hid in cherry trees.

Why are pigmis so short?
.
.
.
.
They are always walking under cherry trees.

What did Jane say when the elephants were coming up the hill?
.
.
.
.
Nothing, she thought they were cherries!

This one is not realy a joke, it´s from a book that interviewed different people on what they thought was the greates invention of all time, there where many interesting interviews with lots of smart people from all around the world in it, but also interviews with some normal people right of the street. Heres what one sayed:

Q: What do you think is the greatest invention of all time ???

A: HHmmm... hard to tell.... I´d say the thermos, its incredible, it can ceep warm things warm and cold things cold... but how the hell does it know what´s what ???  

I got this joke from a thread, thought they were very creative....

http://forums.animesuki.com/showthread.php?t=1774

I'll copy it and paste here:


1st attempt

A boy wrote this letter home from Camp:
Drear Mom and Dad:
Gue$$ what I need? Plea$e $end $ome $oon.
Be$t Wi$he$
Your $on $ammy

His parents wrote back:
Dear Sammy:
NOthing much is happening here. Please write aNOther letter soon. Bye for NOw. Love, Mom and Dad

2nd attempt

Counselor: how did you get that horrible swelling on your nose?
Jimmy: I bent over to smell a brose.
Counselor: There is no b in rose.
Jimmy held up a rose: There was in this one.

There was this forest, and in this forest were a bear and a rebbit. The bear was always chasing the frabbit, making a lot of noise. One day a frog comes out and syas, "Hey! Ok, look, I'm a mgic frog, and if you guys cut this out, I'll give you both 3 wishes,". They agreed.

The frog looks to the bear and ask him what he wants

"I want all the bears in this forest to be female," he said. And so, all the bears in the forest were female.

The frog ask the rabbit and he said "I want a motercycle". A bit confused, but the frog said "OK" and he got a motercycle.

He ask the beear for his second wish. "I want all the bears in the neighboring forest to be female" he said. And so, it was done.

He ask the rabbit for his second wish. :I want a helmet for my motercycle" Anmd he got one.

He asked the bear for his third wish. He said "I want all the bears in the world to be female". And is was done.

He ask the rabbit for his third wish. The rabbit gets on his motercycle, puts on his helmet, reves it up, and says "I want that bear to be gay".

why is there no panadol in the jungle?

because the parrotseatthemall