the -minus world on March 31st, 2008
With all the wildly original video game source material Hollywood has to work with these days, you’d think they’d be able to get it right every now and then. Maybe its because the more serious stuff gets handled too seriously while the fun stuff gets ignored completely. Regardless, we’re sick of sitting idly and waiting for our favorite fan service fighting game to get made into the movie we’ve all dreamed of so we’re going to get things moving ourselves. We’ve got $37.50 in Gamestop store credit to start funding but we’re confident that once these studio execs see the epic cast of celebrities we’ve put together, Super Smash Bros. Brawl - The Movie will practically sell itself…
Mario hasn’t really had a ton of range in persona over the years and currently out of work James Gandolfini has had great practice for that: he’s played the same character in virtually everything he’s ever done. This Soprano is portly, stereotypically Italian and takes advantage of the situation when his princess is in another castle.
Sucking up powdery dust, money, and ghosts, Luigi’s vacuum pack is a lot like Michael Imperiali’s nostrils.
The looped clip of this giant, angry fire breathing dinosaur of a woman falling into lava would be a huge hit on Youtube. We wouldn’t be surprised to find out that Rosie O’Donnel actually has spikes somewhere on her body, too (yes, there.)
Ving is the black man’s black man who has been around since the olden days and takes no prisoners. They could even use Game & Watch’s signature blips and beeps to censor his often expressive language.
Smash’s Pokemon Trainer is a one-dimensional man-child who sits on the sidelines and plays lackey to a trio of worthless hosts? Sounds like your typical night of American Idol to us.
Vapid socialite Paris would love to be the heiress to the Mushroom Kingdom’s wealth of coinage and power-ups. Gamers wouldn’t have to try so hard to screen-cap her upskirt shots, either.
Since the SSBB version of Wario pitches him as a rotund repugnant fart machine on the verge of self destruction, Artie Lange wouldn’t even have to try to make this work.
Annoying, hairy, cartwheeling, exercising eccentric who makes weird noises and rocks red tank tops? Richard Simmons, no question.
Monica is perfect for the role - she’s pink, blobby and loves to suck up things to spit them out and damage those around her.
This pint-sized alcoholic might get confused and throw airplane Brandy bottles instead of Pikmin but at least we’d get to laugh at him on the big screen again instead of shaking our heads while watching VH1. Plus he’s been to space!
George just loves hanging out in giant celebrity pile-ons like Ocean’s 11 through 27 so he’d be right at home here. The average Metal Gear plot is about as wordy and confusingly pretentious as Syriana was, anyway.
Both these furious brutes spent the 80’s punishing nerds for their lunch money, but the ship has sailed on their respective franchises since. What better way to right two wrongs then to get Ogre (hairier than ever!) back for some more roid rage.
The Olsens: Annoying little ice queens who wear matching outfits and get a free ride based on their totally disposable past achievements. We refuse to pay them to play themselves.
We can’t spell her name and we wouldn’t last long enough in the sack to pronounce it but “hot chick from Terminator 3” in tight blue spandex shooting lasers is reason enough to get this whole damn movie made to begin with.
Aside from our slight man-crush on Clive’s routine awesomeness, Aurthur taught us that this guy is fucking badass in armor. Let’s move forward before things get any more awkward.
Yeah, we’re sorry to do this. We got much retro-love for Pitt. But he’s quasi effeminate these days. At least now we can imagine toga partying with Audrey. Yum.
Adventurous little super sidekick Short Round practically stole the show in Temple of Doom and his expert handling of wacky gadgetry in The Goonies makes him a fantastic candidate for Ness’ electric yoyo. Okey dokey, Dr. Jones.
Corny, over the top muscular idiots who drive fast and furiously through atrocious scripts. Both probably get laughed at in public on the regular.
He drinks your Lon Lon milkshake. He drinks it up!
Love has spent her bloated rocker post-Nirvana era days with a dazed facial expression while her weight regularly shifts from doable to gargantuan. Also like Jiggly, she puts her listeners to sleep with her sedated eyes and atrocious music.
C’mon, these two have lived out the last two decades simultaneously sky diving into pop culture obscurity and blowing royalty checks on cocaine. We doubt there’d be any objection here.
Awww. Dakota has made a disturbingly adult-like child star career out of collecting golden trophies while her more mature contemporaries with far less tedious scripts get ignored. Nintendo refuses to hire a voice actor for Link after all these years so we wouldn’t even have to hear her incessant yapping.
Ike Turner delivered his “Final Smash” to everything from crack viles to concubines since he recorded “A Fool In Love” in 1960. Brawl’s Fire Emblem stage cycles through multiple locales until it pretty much reaches hell so it’d be a great spot to pick up King Turner for a fling in this film. He could probably use an afternoon off from drunkenly abusing some firey succubus for eternity, right?
Man, fat jokes aside, we just wanna see Hurley in a role where he isn’t some totally submissive sidekick who somehow survives for months on a desert island without any noticeable weight loss.
Rumor has it that the working title for “Spin City” was once “Do A Barrel Roll.” We used to be able to count on these two to outshine every other star but things have gotten kinda shaky since. Yikes, that was low. Cue every respectable video game site removing us from their blog roll.
Let’s just pretend that Haley used PSI powers to see dead people in The 6th Sense. At the same time, let’s pretend anybody who isn’t completely obsessive has cared about either of these two in years. A fully localized Mother 3 will probably hit the states the same day a legitimate starring role script lands in this guy’s hands again. PK Career Boost!
The San Diego Chicken is iconic enough to be remembered but not important enough to be promoted above 2nd string Padres’ mascot position. Give him a spaceship to fly around and complain in and we won’t have to put up with him anymore here on earth. Now if we can just figure out a way to convince Slippy to get his voice box removed.
Looks like we’ll finally get to find out what happens when somebody eats Kirby. Or when Kirby eats himself.
While still a total idiot, prehistoric bumbling klutz Dino can’t possibly compete with Yoshi’s accidental suicide rate in the hands of an untrained Smash player. That won’t stop us from painting him green and riding him to the liquor store during set breaks, though.
Sure, this one wins the Blatantly Captain Obvious award, but who cares? He has pointy ears and shoots arrows at ugly creatures while riding a horse. Sold. He might do other Link-ish things but we’re not sitting through 9 hours of midgets crying in forests to find out.
As Nintendo fans, we have trouble accepting the reality that sometimes our rampant nostalgia clouds our judgment. We’ve been holding our breath for a good Star Fox game since 1997. So it’s going to take us at least a decade to start warming up to the fact that Sean Connery is retired.
Jackie Chan is resilient, lightning fast and most importantly, adorable. Even as he slips into his mid-50’s. And just imagine some of the stunts he could pull off on Rumble Falls!
We’re too old for Pokemon (and subsequently, Michael Jackson’s standards) but we can respect Lucario’s hustle. This jumping, sparkling blue kangaroo hybrid beast has dance poses for days. That accommodater looking thing on his chest is highly questionable, though.
This double amputee South American runner was deemed ineligible from the Olympics after it was agreed that his artificial limbs gave him too much of an advantage. Let’s see how he fares on the loops and half pipes of Green Hill Zone.
A lot of us figured out Zelda’s manly and mysterious Sheik alter-ego disguise long before it was actually revealed. No surprise there, it was pretty lazy on her part. Larry Wachowski wouldn’t take that risk, though. No doo rags and ninja suits, he’s going for a full on sex change operation and his transformation into a member of the opposing team should be complete by the time the Brawl movie hits theaters.
Convinced yet, Hollywood? Holla back at us.
