The 100 lamest game-industry clichés
Learn the lexicon of laziness that makes all game reviews sound the same
This is because, like most writers, game journalists tend to fall back on easy clichés to help them make their points. Sometimes it's lazy, but more often than not, they don't even realize they're doing it. And it doesn't help matters that there's a whole unwritten vocabulary of clichés that's spread across the entire industry, including the press and the companies themselves. Hell, we're as guilty of it as anyone - that's part of what made it so easy to identify so many of the lame utterances that have become ingrained in our industry over the years. Here, in no particular order, are a few you may have noticed yourself.
1. All in all - A code phrase signifying the start of the final paragraph of a review, wherein the writer will sum up the meat of his opinion in a few brief sentences. If you see this at the end of a review, it's a clear sign that the last paragraph is the only one you actually needed to read.
2. Snap-the-controller-in-half frustration - You won't actually feel this level of frustration, unless you're either A) an adult with the mind of a child who never learned to take care of expensive videogame peripherals, or B) a game reviewer prone to fits of hyperbole.
Above: This rarely happens
3. An evolution, not a revolution - A mildly irritating way of saying that the game in question brings a few new features, but doesn't do anything to reinvent its genre - you know, just like 99 percent of all other games.
4. White-knuckle - Frequently used when referring to racing games, with the idea that you'll grip the steering wheel/controller hard enough to turn your knuckles white. Never that great a phrase to begin with, "white-knuckle" became old and stupid the moment Nintendo appropriated it for this misbegotten compilation CD:
Above: Wait, is that a Wii falling off that ottoman in this image from 1991? We must be imagining things...
5. Killer app - This phrase was never as cool as it sounded, born as it was in the gray-flannel world of practical grown-up computing, but it lost any coolness it once had when it was used as the subtitle for a TRON game. It doesn't matter if that game was good - once a catchphrase hits the mainstream like that, it no longer deserves to be trotted out every time a half-decent exclusive shows up on a console.
6. That might not be so bad, except… - "Hey, remember that awful, game-breaking flaw we just talked about? Yeah, there's an even worse one that's so bad, the first one would have been tolerable without it. Why the hell are you still interested enough in this game to continue reading this review?"
7. Seven out of 10 - A clear indicator that either a game has nothing to make it particularly interesting, or that a reviewer has no balls (metaphorically speaking).
8. High-octane - Technically this refers to a high grade of fuel, but in the context of the game industry, it's categorically applied to any racing game that enables you to drive at speeds faster than 35 miles per hour.
9. Shaken, not stirred - A line that Unimaginative Game Critic Law dictates must be inserted at least once into any and every article about a James Bond game.
10. Turn the lights down and the sound up - Ooh, this game is spooky. Better damage your eyes and annoy the neighbors if you want to fully appreciate it.
Above: EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!
11. The downside of all this is... - "Oh, heavens no! There is a problem with this game! I know this will come as a shock to you, dear reader, but please, take a deep breath and we'll get through it together."
12. This will appeal to the casual audience - Code for "This game is mildly fun for exactly five minutes, so maybe someone with no taste whatsoever will enjoy spending money on it."
13. "Cheeky" nicknames - Nintendo is not "Ninty." Shigeru Miyamoto is not "Shigsy." Resident Evil is not "Resi," Reggie Fils-Aime is not "The Regginator" and you are not a small child, so stop writing like one.
14. Worth a rental - No. No, it isn't. This is incredibly lazy reviewer shorthand for "Well, parts of it were fun, but I wouldn't ever pay actual money for it. You, however, don't have the option of playing it for free, so I guess renting it is the next best thing."
15. Awful final paragraph analogies - Unable to bring themselves to simply sum up the game and say whether it's good or bad, many reviewers fall back on nonsensical but smart-sounding comparisons. Ex.: Even though the pieces don't quite fit, it's an entertaining puzzle.
16. Sweaty mitts - If it's said about you, then that means the reviewer thinks of you as a smelly fat man with massive, sausage-fingered hands that sweat uncontrollably. If it's said about the reviewer, that means he or she IS a smelly fat man with massive, sausage-fingered hands that sweat uncontrollably. That's right, we said "he or she." Deal with it.
Above: Add a greasy ponytail and this image is probably right on the money
17. Cinematic - Shorthand for saying that a game has the pacing, visual direction or production values of a movie. Unless it's a noun, of course, in which case it's a fancy word for "cutscene."
18. Through the roof - If you see this, it means that the gameplay, production values or whatever impressed the reviewer so much that they had no choice but to trot out a tired old figure of speech. Unless, of course, it's preceded by "I got so mad I threw my controller…," in which case it just means the reviewer isn't any good at games or hyperbole.
19. Zelda-killer, Halo-killer, [insert game name]-killer: While it's supposed to mean the opposite, its use has historically been a clear sign that the game in question is vastly inferior to Zelda, Halo or whatever other game it's supposed to "kill."
Above: It didn't work! Quick, send another game to kill the Zelda!
20. In the end - See All in all
21. But does it live up to the hype? - Usually followed by "Yes, now please allow me to spend the next thousand words fellating this game until my nostrils flood."
22. Try before you buy - The game sucks shit through a giant straw, but the reviewer is too "nice" to say so. He or she would prefer that you waste the time necessary to find out on your own, thereby sparing him or her the burden of helping you make an informed decision.
23. Triple-A - Publisher-speak for "So help me God, if this game doesn't get at least a nine out of 10, I will get you fired so fast it'll spark a scandal that will taint your entire parasitic profession."
24. Eye candy - Pretty pictures that, while perhaps not actually delicious when crammed into your eyeballs, will be fun to look at until you start focusing on the gameplay and ignoring them. Alternately, boobs.
25. [X] blows [Y] out of the water - So wait, does that mean the normal thing is for X to blow Y IN the water? We're confused.
26. Check it out if you're a fan of [movie/cartoon/comic book] - "I hate it, but maybe you'll like it, you bottom-feeding plebe."
27. Take the action online - Use that high-speed internet connection to stop playing through a story with goals and objectives, and start playing with a bunch of 12-year-olds who think screaming the N-word over and over again is the ultimate form of communication.
28. Wii puns - Is Nintendo's console "Wiik?" Does the company want you to "get hands-on with your Wii?" Are people who buy Chicken Shoot "Wii-tarded?" These were old and unfunny within hours of the April 2006 announcement that the Nintendo Revolution was undergoing a name change, and they're not any fresher now.
Above: GET IT!?!?!?
29. Replay value - Industry shorthand for "reasons to not return this game for store credit the instant you finish the story mode."
30. Deserves a place in your collection - Instead of playing this game, you should carefully unwrap it and place it on a shelf next to other games for the same console. Now, stand back and admire how all the logos on the box spines line up perfectly. Congratulate yourself for a job well done, and return to your real hobbies of organizing iron filings and never, ever leaving the house.
31. Visceral action - When reviewers say this, it means that you'll experience the sort of gut-clenching thrills that come with introducing your enemy's jaw to a curb while simultaneously sawing his arms off with a chainsaw bayonet. It's also likely to mean you'll see intestines flying everywhere, which would be the literal meaning of the phrase.
Above: Visceral, in both senses of the word
32. Rough around the edges - Ridiculously unfinished.
33. Level of polish - A way of quantifying exactly how unfinished a game looks.
34. For fans of the genre - If you like puzzle games, then you'll probably like this puzzle game that you just now chose to read about. If you like FPSes, you'll probably like this FPS. If you like… you know what? You've probably got the idea.
35. Immersive - So fascinating and realistic, it almost makes you forget that you're actually sitting on a couch, twitching your thumbs arhythmically in order to make shapes move around on a screen. Almost.
36. In spades - This phrase, which means "in abundance," likely has its roots in the game of bridge, in which spades rank higher than any other suit. Bridge is, incidentally, the stuffiest card game ever invented, and it's played almost exclusively by doddering old corpses and Omar Sharif. Ha! Not such a cool turn of a phrase now, is it?
37. Like [X] on [drug] - "HA HA! It's like Pong on acid! No, no, that's not right - it's like GTA on Quaaludes! No, that's not it, either. I've got it! It's like a squirrel on cocaine. Crack? Dammit, what do I have to say to convince you that my sense of humor is edgy and cool?"
Above: HILARIOUS
38. Deep/lots of depth - Industry shorthand for "lots of things to do, and/or lots of different ways to do them. But it's mostly acceptable until someone sharts out…
39. So much depth, you'll drown! - You want to know how this happens? We'll tell you how it happens. A long, long time ago, some aspiring young writer forgot how to write things that were useful and informative, and instead started relying on marketing hyperbole to get points across to readers, because that's what appealed to their bored, suicidally depressed teachers. This happened somewhere around the first grade, and the gold stars and compliments like "Clever!" scrawled in red ink were so emotionally fulfilling that the tiny writer gave up on using actual information ever again. Fast-forward 20 years, and that little writer has grown up with the nerve to publish shit like this. That is, just before he or she is plucked out of his or her cubicle by the cruel hand of fate and "drowned" in an open sewer. THE END.
40. Shallow - The opposite of deep, obviously. You'll only see this in reviews of games that are simple, uncomplicated and crappy. If the games were simple but fun, the reviewers would probably have said that instead of "shallow."
41. Ch-Ch-Ch-Ch-Changes - Shut up. Just shut the hell up, damn you. Your taste in popular culture is absurdly dated, your breath stinks and nobody, not even your mother, would care if you died tomorrow.
Above: You are not this man, and it is not the same when you say it
42. Hit detection - When you stab a dude in the eye, does it hurt him or just pass through harmlessly? If it's the latter, then the hit detection might be "off."
43. High production values - A quick way to avoid repeating "this game has good graphics and sound DERRRRRRRP" for like the 1,392nd time.
44. Flaws aside - "Remember all that really awful stuff I just spent the last two pages talking about? Yeah, forget I said any of that. None of it will actually affect your enjoyment of the game, and I was just deliberately wasting your time."
45. Family friendly - Will be enjoyed by three-year-olds of all ages.
46. Not without flaws - This is really one of the most redundant phrases in game criticism, because no game is really "without flaws."
47. When all is said and done - See All in all
48. Fun factor - If you actually use these two words together unironically, you either A) stopped reading other people's game reviews sometime during the '80s, or B) actually live in the '80s and send your reviews into the future using a time machine that only works on documents. Either way, you really should be aware that things have changed since GamePro's heyday. Not much, but they have.
49. Pants-shitting terror - Has anyone between the ages of nine and ninety ever actually shat their pants while playing a Silent Hill or Resident Evil game? No? Then why do we keep trotting out this well-worn expression? 
(Answer: Because it is awesome.)
50. Awesome - the single most overused word in the collective vocabulary of American games journalists. Except for maybe "gameplay."
51. Host of flaws - The game has a ton of problems, but these will be brushed aside if the game's "fun factor" can outshine them. Frequently prefaced with "In spite of its."
52. Hopefully that'll be fixed before the game ships - It won't be, and whatever it is you're complaining about will be the crux of the game's critical and commercial failure.
53. World War II - Arguably the single most significant event in modern history, fought on several fronts and packed with millions of stories to tell. In the context of games, however, it means Americans shooting at Nazis in Western Europe, and we all claim to be sick to death of it just before we gush about and/or spend money on the latest Brothers in Arms or Call of Duty (CoD4 excepted).
Above: World War II in its entirety
54. Genre-bender - We secretly believe that this widespread phrase exists only because the person who coined it thinks "genre" is pronounced "jenner" instead of "john-ruh." And also they like the phrase "gender-bender." And also they needed something quick and lazy to describe a game that goes outside the proscribed limits of its genre, i.e. a shooter in which you level up your character like in an RPG. Variations include "genre-blender," "genre-buster" and "game that is like other kinds of games."
55. Worth a look - One of the weaker phrases used for recommending a game, frequently carted out when "check it out," "buy it now" and "deserves a place in your collection" have all been exhausted by previous reviews.
56. In summation - See All in all
57. Terrible food analogies - Does it "make for a great appetizer, but not quite a main course?" Is a gameplay feature "the icing on a very moist and tasty cake?" Then quit writing reviews right before lunch, you hacks!
Above: You can't have any until you finish your work, you fat bastard
58. Guns blazing - While vivid, this phrase really only serves two purposes: to add a visceral (there's that word again) sense of urgency to descriptions of in-game firefights, or to talk up a stealth game. (i.e. "You can't just go in guns blazing.") As such, it's been used thousands of times by hundreds of journalists and publicists, and really needs to rest for a little while.
59. Remains to be seen - Either the writer isn't comfortable about saying an unfinished game he or she has played for 15 minutes is going to be good, or there's some glaring flaw in that unfinished game that could bring the whole experience crashing down.
60. Wacky - The use of this word should be taken as a sure sign that whoever's written it has a terrible sense of humor, one that probably starts with Anne Geddes and ends with Ziggy. Take note of the author's name and tread carefully, for they can no longer be trusted in matters of comedy or "funny" mascot games. Variations include "zany," "kooky" and "humorous" - and that last one, now that we think about it, is used almost exclusively by people who don't even understand what humor is.
Above: SO "HUMOROUS"
61. Special moves - Catch-all phrase that covers anything besides punches, kicks or gunshots. Does the character throw fireballs? Then that's a "special move." Does she summon a giant dragon to fight for her? Special move. Can reviewers think up a more descriptive term than "special moves?" Nah.
62. To be fair… - "The game sucks, but here's a redeeming quality that I found that I nonetheless have to qualify with 'to be fair' in order to not sound like a dipshit."
63. "Integrity" - In the context of gaming publications, a term used to insinuate that every press outlet except the one you're reading is fat and complacent after years of taking monstrous bribes from publishers.
64. Under a rock - Where you must live if you have better things to do than follow the game industry all the damn time.
65. Console bias - An accusation immediately lobbed by people on the internet when they disagree with a review, fueled by the assumption that professional game journalists - who can usually afford to own nearly every game machine on the market - secretly harbor the same brand loyalties as teenagers whose parents will only buy them one console. Roughly equivalent to yelling "Sellouts!" at a punk rock show.
66. Revolutionary gameplay - Publisher-speak for "gameplay."
67. Get behind the wheel - Industry-speak for "pick up the controller and pretend you're sitting behind the steering wheel of an imaginary car."
68. At the end of the day - See All in All
69. Step into the shoes of... - Indicates that you will actually become the character, when in fact you'll be nudging his unresponsive space marine ass around with the thumbstick. Variations include "Strap on the boots of," "Slip on the sandals of" and "Piss in the pants of."
70. Button-masher - Really just slang for "this game takes zero skill, strategy or thought to play." Whether or not that's a good thing is up to you.
71. A different beast - Not the beast we were just talking about, but a different one. And by "beast" we mean "game." And by "different," we mean "I probably shouldn't have wasted your time by bringing up the first one that this is so different from."
72. Brings its A-game - It's probably a sports game, and it probably doesn't suck. Probably.
Above: PROBABLY.
73. Exciting new adventure - Publisher-speak for an adventure that's eerily similar to every single one you've already played, and only half as exciting.
74. Action-packed - There's some action in there, if you squint really hard. It must be packed in pretty tightly.
75. Rip-roaring - An exuberant adjective meant to conjure visions of rollicking good times and rollercoaster rides from start to finish.
76. Ever since… - Almost always seen at the beginning of reviews that start in with a historical introduction about the game, its series, its genre, its developer, the developer's family or what the reviewer found in his stool that morning. A clear sign you can skim down to the first mention of the game's title, which will probably be on the second page.
77. Test your might - Every game writer over the age of 25 is required by law to use this when writing about any Mortal Kombat game, in order to show how "old-school" they are for playing games during the mid-'90s.
78. Incredible value - $29.99, according to most publishers.
79. Solid gameplay - The gameplay is neither liquid nor gas. Also meant to imply that the experience of actually playing the game - as opposed to watching its cutscenes or navigating its menus - is good. Not great, but good.
80. Turn off your brain - This game is incredibly stupid, but the reviewer enjoys stupid things. However, he or she was born without the gland that differentiates "fun stupid" (Earth Defense Force 2017) from "stupid stupid" (Charlie's Angels, Big Mutha Truckers, the phrase "turn off your brain"), so it would probably be a smart idea if you avoid the hell out of whatever it is he or she is touting.
81. Extending our lead - Publisher-speak for "lagging behind somewhat less in sales."
Above: Oh, shit, did we just go there? Sorry about that
82. You'll take on the role of… - You'll play as this guy. See Step into the shoes of.
83. Rave reviews - The game in question got, or is getting, reviews that averaged somewhere above a seven out of 10.
84. Chain together combos - Hit a bunch of buttons in sequence to make the little man onscreen visit horrible acts of violence upon those around him. Ooh, pretty.
85. Pick up and play - A quality touted by makers of simple games that don't require reading a manual or going through a mandatory tutorial to understand how to play. Of course, they'll make you go through a mandatory tutorial anyway, just to make sure you know how to jump and move in a straight line.
86. What could be better than that? - Oh, lots of things, actually.
87. Sets a new benchmark - Will require the purchase of a new PC in order to play.
88. Realistic physics - Industry-speak for "you can attach a string to a cinder block and push it off a cliff to solve a puzzle."
89. Addictive - Reviewer shorthand for games that keep you going for "one more level" until suddenly it's 5 a.m. and you've aged 30 years. It's also publisher shorthand for "please say this is addictive in your review please I've got kids to feed pleeeeeeease."
90. Gritty - Filled with manly he-men who live in an urban wasteland, grimace a lot and kick the crap out of each other without ever changing their expressions. Alternately, it's industry shorthand for "there are hoboes in this game."
Above: GRIT!
91. Wreak havoc - Would be one of the most overused phrases for describing outrageous, unrestrained violence, if only videogame reviewers could learn to spell it right.
92. No holds barred - Although this phrase has evolved from its wrestling origins to imply unrestrained action without limits, in the context of videogames, it almost always means "you'll punch some dudes in the face a whole bunch."
93. Recipe analogies - Take one part repetitive, add two parts horrible, garnish with boring and serve with a twist of tiresome, and you've got one of the worst clichés ever devised!
Above: This is not a videogame, so stop pretending that it's made the same way
94. The beginning of a beautiful friendship - The closing line from Casablanca, a movie watched by only one percent of the people who quote it.
95. Overall - See All in all
96. Totally unique twist - It was zombies the whole time.
Above: OH NO ZOMBIES!
97. Blockbuster lineup - A handful of shitty games that were all rushed out the door so as to coincide with each other. May contain 1-3 good games, but only if balanced with 3-5 shovelware "casual" games. In rare cases, every single one of the games will be good, but they'll all be eclipsed by each other and disappear into obscurity (ex. Ubisoft's 2003 holiday lineup).
98. Accessible yet challenging - The game has exactly one action button, but will earn your admiration and secret hatred when it mobs you with hordes of ridiculously tough triangles.
99. Rock the competition - Mildly annoy the competition.
100. "Top XX" list articles - Who writes these? Not us, that's for damn sure. And we sure as hell don't write them every week, and you certainly can't see some of our best ones here.
Jul 22, 2008
Vaio - "Bury me at Milanello" R.I.P AC Milan
In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird.
Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.
If laughing is the best medicine and marijuana makes you laugh
Is marijuana the best medicine?
"Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind."
“If any creator has not played Mario, then they’re probably not a good creator. That’s something I can say with 100 percent confidence. Mario is, for game creators, the development bible.
