Welcome to the July 7th, 2008 edition of
Real Talk with Rubang B
Off-Topic Madness
The off-topic section has recently jumped the shark. It used to be all fun and games, say something about the previous poster or their avatar or answer their question, or simple polls of favorite bands or movies. Since my last Real Talk, everything's changed. I've selected a few threads to summarize.
Thread: Are you a virgin?
Starter: DMeisterJ
Summary: DMeisterJ proclaimed his virginity and virgin-pride in February. MontanaHatchet locked it to try to save us from the madness, but THE BOSS himself unlocked it and added "Of course!" Now it's gotten much worse and has lasted all the way to page 14 and is constantly bumped with new twists and turns.
Highlights: On page 10 Montana, who'd already locked it, said it was his favorite thread in the entire forum. And in this past week psrock revealed he takes 45 minutes of showers a day, wasting a shitload of water. He's also made it his personal quest to get DMeisterJ laid and is filling the thread and the Meister's wall with advice. And there was some discussion about how to manscape and how often. And many discussions about waiting for marriage for some reason.
Thread: Men only thread. Question for you. No girls. How big are you? (No Soriku)
Starter: starcraft
Summary: starcraft claims he wants to know everybody's penis sizes so he can get an average size for VGC users. Half of everybody who responds says 7-9 inches, which means everybody's lying or only people with giant wangs are comfortable answering, or a little of both.
Highlights: starcraft gives each of them a very weird compliment and jokes about masturbating to his accumulation of data. It turns into "girth is more important than length" discussion. Hopefully people follow the new lead and it turns into a circumcision discussion. (If that doesn't happen, I'm starting a new thread.)
Thread: Would You Ever Let Someone Toss Your Salad
Starter: Baddman
Summary: Baddman says a friend of his would let a girl do it if she wanted to, but Baddman is so baddass he would refuse the licks of a girl on his booty because it's gross.
Highlights: It turns out half the site didn't even know what it meant either because they were too young, hadn't been to prison, hadn't seen or heard the Chris Rock standup about it (link), or it was a language barrier issue. Everybody finds out what it is and is disgusted and amused and most people say no. Esmoreit points out that it's just as dirty as licking the front side. DMeisterJ says not only will he never ever ever rim a girl, he will never ever perform oral service on the front side either. Now we all understand the virginity. I come in as the resident expert on weird sex and explain how it's clean and amazing and scare everybody away. The thread dies shortly after.
Thread: Kind of personal but...
Starter: leo-j
Summary: leo-j says it burns "like a mo fo" when he pees and wants to know why. He hasn't had any water in 3 weeks and hasn't thought to drink water to water down his acidic urine. Most people tell him to drink water or cranberry juice or that it's a UTI or STD.
Highlights: obieslut quickly derails the thread by saying leo-j masturbates too much. leo-j agrees and gives us a smiley face. This was just foreshadowing of the hell to come. Soriku comes in and ruins the whole internet with one epic post. Nobody on VGC has slept since. Soriku scares people out of most threads now, including dtewi. The thread later turns into a discussion about which types of soda have horrible ingredients (protip: all of them), and the VGC members with superpenises that can handle acidity. Then MontanaHatchet reveals what he does when he's up all night on VGC with his other hand. I get dtewi to read the Wikipedia article on culture of the 1980s so he can get all our pop culture references he's missed out on.
Thread: VGChartz War: Beer Edition
Starter: NiKKoM
Summary: NiKKoM is furious about the recent -BEER BOYCOTT- and wants people to say "yes to beer!" He doesn't know what he's up against.
Highlights: The amount of -BEER BOYCOTT-'s in user signatures more than doubles. He has simply given the beer boycotters an avenue to discuss their cause and spread their wisdom. There's no stopping us now!
Ok, now let's cut to the real talk:
Mega Man 9
Capcom has announced the 8 bosses and shown a very small gameplay clip to GoNintendo.
It has kickass Mega Man 2-styled music, new bosses, old bosses, it's really hard, blah blah blah, we already know this game is perfect, but all that really matters is that THIS GAME HAS PORTALS. It's 8-bit 2-D platforming with portals that maintain momentum! If you don't know how insanely awesome that is, play the free 2-D Flash version of Portal right here. Now imagine that but with a Mega Buster and a Rush Coil and Mega Man 2 music blasting. This game just went from an 11 to 9000 on my Rubangometer!
Chrono Trigger, Chrono Cross
Square-Enix finally pulled their heads out of their asses for a half second to announce they were remaking Chrono Trigger for the DS. Some of the users here are too young to have played the game or even breathe oxygen in 1995, so all I have to say is, in the words of Blizzard: "Hell, it's about time." CT had the best battle system, a variety of combo moves for each possible party configuration that made party formation more important to your strategy than in other RPGs, the best time travel plot of any game and most movies even (but it's no Back to the Future 2 of course), and some of the best characters and music of any RPG. This game is so awesome that you get to fight a giant ball of vagina with vaginas for feet:
Now that's real!
In fact, this game was so good that there was nowhere to go with a sequel other than to the shithouse. And that's what they did with Chrono Cross. CC took everything you loved about Chrono Trigger and shat on it. They took CT's 7 well-developed characters you cared about and replaced them with 45 characters that you can't remember. Square couldn't think of 1 single interesting character, so by the time they got to 45 they were really at the bottom of the barrel. You can have a mushroom, a turnip, and a voodoo doll in your party.
They don't really develop any of these characters either. Characters stumble into your party so fast that you stop trying any of them out because it's a waste of time. By the time you can equip one new member, a cat, a pirate, and a piece of shit have offered their services in your fight to fight whatever boring shit you're fighting. They took the interesting battle system and replaced it with the most boring shit ever. I don't even remember it. I seriously held the fight button down for the first half of the game before I quit and swore to never play it again.
This chump's backstory is "Oh no I'm a voodoo doll? I had no idea. I'm sad now."
And for the record, GameSpot gave this game a 10 out of 10. They've only done that 5 other times: Ocarina of Time, Tony Hawk's Pro Skater 3, Soul Calibur 1, and their recent back to back 10/10's for GTA4 and MGS4. So GameSpot's official opinion is that Chrono Cross is more fun than Super Maro Galaxy, Halo 3, The Orange Box, and anything else you can think of. Their scores shouldn't be counted at GameRankings or MetaCritic. They're full of shit. If you ever take one of their scores seriously, you think this game is better than Chrono Trigger and you should be shot.
So now Square's remaking the original as an apology for their previous remake. They remade it once before on the PS1 and added 2 new features: shitty cutscenes with vague ties to Chrono Cross to try to make them related, and load times. You now get to load for a full 5 seconds into and out of every single battle in the entire game. You'll have just enough time to punch yourself in the face twice per battle. Thanks to YubeTube, you can now play the game on the SNES and just watch the stupid PS1 cutscenes on the internet, if you even want to watch that crap.
So after one shitty remake, and one shitty sequel, they're trying to get it right on the DS. I uh... wish them the best of luck? It shouldn't be too hard to not change a single fucking thing, but for some reason I think that will be a huge challenge for them.
elgefe02: The Real Talk Exclusive Tell-All
This week Rubang B has pulled some strings to bring you an exclusive interview with one of our very own contributors, the mondo español-hablando Honduran Hurricane, our very own Raving Rabbid, elgefe02!
RealTalk: What's the first game you remember playing?
elgefe02: I played a lot of Atari games at a friend's house... But the first game that I remember beating was Kung Fu for NES, and the game that hooked me up on video games until now is Ghosts n' Goblins for NES.
I want to explain something here, I got my first NES in the SNES era because we were very poor. To play games I had to save all the little money I got for the school, and take from home any coin I could take. To play in a arcade-esque machine with a NES inside. With those you insert a dime and you could play 5 minutes... after those 5 minutes, the controls died, so you had to insert another coin to play another 5 minutes... that was some kind of renting for por people... was very sad to get killed in the time when your 5 minutes expired, so you always had a friend holding a coin in the slot. Those machines were very popular, and you could find them in every corner... I had to travel almost one hour every sunday to find one machine with Super Mario Bros 3. Those were the Golden Years for me. Now all those machines are gone, just like the arcades.
RT: What's your name?
eg: Are you from the Police? Ok... Gabriel
RT: What's your favorite food?
eg: Sushi, Pasta, Meats and Mexican food.
RT: What is your favorite state?
eg: In the U.S.: New York, in my country: Cortes, my mood: euphoric.
RT: What is your favorite tool?
eg: My mind... but I use my hammerdrill more often.
RT: What is your favorite weapon?
eg: Fireballs... better than balls on fire.
RT: How long have you been a contributor?
eg: About 5 months.
RT: How does it feel to be a contributor?
eg: I feel Proud to be chosen, I try to do my best to inform the release dates. And I like when people notice the effort.
RT: Which recent boycott in the forums has been your favorite, and why?
eg: I call for a Boycott on boycotts... Only worthwhile boycott is The Fazz boycott... We were boycotting everything that ends with Z (PETZ, DOGZ); this guy has a double problem.
RT: What's the last game you played and loved and why?
eg: Dr Mario Rx, I loved it because it brings me back precious memories, when I was Kid... killing that last virus before the last one of your friend was priceless.
RT: What's the last game you played and hated and why?
eg: I always try to stay away from bad games... but the Assassin's Creed for DS was a huge disappointment... very boring and repetitive game...
RT: Did you or did you not have relations with that woman?
eg: She told me she was over 18!!!
RT: When did you know you were different?
eg: I'm not different. The world is different and going in the opposite direction...
RT: Have you ever created the only video game segment in a newspaper in Honduras?
eg: Yes.
RT: Now that's real! Give us the D-Tails.
eg: It's named Video Time. I started it in October 2002. I made several tournaments. I started my blog for the same newspaper in September 2007.
RT: Outside of VGC and Video Time, what do you do?
eg: I'm an industrial engineer. I work as a dye manager at an apparel company. The shirt you're wearing was probably dyed by me...
RT: Plain white cotton Fruit of the Loom?
eg: No... I dye RL, Tommy, Gap, Polo Jeans, Old Navy shirts...
RT: Booyah! I'm safe. So... do you have any questions FOR ME?
eg: Why yes I do. What is your favorite game?
RT: Shit. Uh... to keep this short, it's a 7-way tie between Super Mario Bros. 1, X-COM: UFO Defense, StarCraft, Portal, Katamari Damacy, Tetris, and Link's Awakening. I believe all 7 of those games are perfect. My favorite rotates between those 7 at random, or maybe depending on my mood.
eg: What was your first game?
RT: My mom's friend had a tabletop Pong machine. I played it as soon as I could climb on top and grab the joystick. Then we got a NES a few years later and I don't remember which game I played on it first. I remember my mom really getting into Jaws and playing it until she got tendonitis in her thumb and the doctor she saw nicknamed it "Nintendonitis" and thought it was the funniest thing in the world. Maybe it was.
eg: Do you dance?
RT: Hell yes I do. A friend of mine used my dance moves for a music video once. It's can be seen here. I'm the guy dancing like crazy in the tunnel.
eg: What's your favorite music?
RT: First off, anything touched by David Bowie or Brian Eno. I think their work together and separate in the 70's was some of the most important music of the 20th century. Other than that, there's too much to list. I listen to a little of everything and have about 600 albums on vinyl, and about 100 gigs of music on my computer, all correctly titled and dated and put in alphabetical and chronological order by me alone over the past 7 years when I got my first computer. I'll give anything a chance.
eg: Do you make music?
RT: I'm kind of in 2 bands that never broke up, but are both on very longterm hiatus because we all moved apart. My first band was The Poly Gröton Experience, formed in 1999 and played shows regularly around the Los Angeles area from 1999 to 2004 (and we played 2 comeback shows in December 2007), devoted to worshipping our baby-eating robot god Gröton, which was a hybrid between our 2 favorite actors (Charles Grodin and Pauly Shore). We made a little of everything, but most of it was performed live and never recorded, so we don't have digital copies of our rap song "Pimps in Time" or our rock opera about Mt. Vesuvius destroying Pompei called "The Magma Opus." We do have some songs available at our MySpace page though, like our smash hit "Beer Bitches and Barbecue" and a few others.
http://www.myspace.com/polygroton (6 songs, and tons of live videos)
My 2nd band was Love Me Avenue, founded in 2001 and recorded 8 original songs and played 3 shows from 2001 to 2003. While Gröton rocked parties hard and sang about rocking parties hard, this was my romantic outlet for cheesey love songs.
http://www.myspace.com/lovemeavenuetheband (6 songs)
Now that I'm off and alone at school, I haven't made any music. But I just bought an awesome used organ for $39. I wish I had time to play around with it.
eg: What makes you happy?
RT: Good games, good movies, good music, good food, good booze, good lulz, my woman friend, my giant penis, and my giant brain.
eg: What makes you upset?
RT: My wife when she tells me to get off VGChartz to give her a hug or a kiss or something lame like that. Or when people come to a web site that's full of chartz and figures and choose to discard all of them and make ass-backwards predictions. And I can't stand it when people say they won't read subtitles, because they're limiting their entire world of film to one language and the handful of cultures that speak it.
eg: Do you remember your first kiss?
RT: Nope. It was a drunken game of spin the bottle. I don't remember how many girls I kissed or which one was first. There were a lot of other firsts that night that I barely remember too.
eg: Boxers or commando?
RT: Out of those 2, definitely commando. Out of boxers or briefs, definitely boxers. I've been commando for about a week now because I'm too lazy to do laundry, but when I do laundry, I own neither boxers nor briefs. I only own a bunch of man-thongs. They're the perfect combination of comfort, support, and maneuverability! I highly recommend them! You can get a 4-pack of different colored man-thongs at any Target for just a few bucks. Everybody should try it once before they make a decision. I used to think they were crazy too. But then I tried it once as a joke and was immediately hooked and I've never gone back.
eg: Which game from another console could be better on a Nintendo console?
RT: Beautiful Katamari. It should've been on the Wii for the marble-rolling controls. That was really a no-brainer. I don't know what they were thinking. And I'm still mad about Beyond Good and Evil 2. The Wii version could have had IR pointing for camera control, and leave the rest of the controls the same as the last game.
eg: And the last one... are you real?
RT: I used to have no idea really. I liked to assume I was real, because solipsism can't really be proven or disproven, but then I saw this picture:
Now that's not real!
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