to connect it to the ethernet you need a USB to Ethernet adapter thingy that Nintendo sells. Yeah I figured that out after I brought the damn thing home as well.

Guess we can start with the obvious. You have to set up your Wi-fi connection in the options menu of the channels screen. (Button in the lower left corner of the main menu.) Pick internet connection from the list of choices, pick an empty connection slot and select wireless. If the Wii not finding you're connection there?

Go to the bottom left corner of the channel menu. There shoudl be a circle that says "Wii" In it. CHoose that. Then go to wii settings and go to the second page. Choose internet and choose wireless connection. Then search for the wireless access point. It shoudl update, then you could play online.

Edit: Oh you have to buy a LAN adapter if you want to play using a wired connection. 

do you have a wireless router?

 Ummm...  NO...  not unless you didn't have Wifi already.  The least complicated machine to get online is still too complicated it seems.

 What a wireless router or the wired adapter? Wired adapter isn't standard, it's an add-on. If your router isn't wireless itself that'd be your best bet.

Here I'll make it easy for you guys who find it too complicated to use your ALREADY PURCHASED WiFi router.

best route is to assume I'm a technilogical retard?  Yeah I tried the Wifi and it couldn't pick up anything, I even tried using other people's wireless that they didn't lock for some reason and it didn't work.  If it was the easiest to get online it would have an ethernet port.  Then it wouldn't matter what kind of internet or router you used, long as it wasn't direct dial up I suppose.  

How do you normally hook up things to get on the internet PDF?

 That's sounds like the parental lock then. Your friend use parental controls?