2011: 5 out of 10 - Still uncertain about what I wanted to do with my life. I did very well in school, but I was very insecure and lacked confidence. Pressure from my parents to go to college and pursue a career they approved of.  Still battling with religion and my sexuality. 

2012: 4 out of 10 - Decided what I wanted to do with my life which wasn't my first choice but made my parents happy. I got into colleges abroad, but my parents were hesitant to let me move out on my own. I ended up spending most of the year not doing much and enrolled part-time at a local college just to pass the time. Still very insecure. My parents continued pressuring me to stay home and attend a nearby college.

2013: 2 out of 10 - I convinced my parents to let me to move back to Canada and then started college. I was hoping college would be more fun but I felt lonelier than ever and experienced depression for the first time. Also, it did not help that this was the first time I was alone away from family, and I didn't like my major, neither was I doing well in school for the first time in my life.

2014: 5 out of 10 - I changed colleges and cities. Moved but hated the city I relocated to and was still unhappy with my college major but no longer depressed. Started to make some new friends but still felt relatively lonely because we didn't really hang out outside of school. 

2015: 7 out of 10 - Started to do very well in school. Started making new friends that were more reliable. 

2016: 7 out of 10 - Continued doing well in school and had a solid friend group. Still couldn’t imagine being in a relationship because I was uncomfortable with my sexuality.

2017: 6 out of 10 - I was doing well in school but had a job I hated for half the year. I started going to the gym but experienced a lot of stress at school.

2018: 5 out of 10 - Spent most of the year stressed from trying to manage both being a full-time student and working full time. Graduated from school but then became depressed because I didn't like the direction my life was headed. 

2019: 7 out of 10 - Landed my first professional job right after college and moved to Toronto. I came out to my friends and sister, who were supportive. I started dating, went to the gym regularly, and felt good about myself. Paid off my student loans, had a reliable friend group, and got into my first relationship and met one of the closest people in my life. However, I really disliked my manager and didn’t enjoy the job.

2020: 5 out of 10 - The year started badly when my other sister didn’t react well to me coming out. I became increasingly depressed due to isolation from COVID. I bought a pre-construction condo but was then laid off from work, and my relationship ended around the same time. I struggled financially for the next eight months, trying to keep up with condo payments. I went back to college to stay busy while unemployed.

2021: 6 out of 10 - Started a new relationship that was initially exciting, but it ended when the guy became depressed. I got a new job and relocated to the U.S., made some new friends, and began to enjoy life more despite the fresh start. Most of the year was spent paying off the condo, but financial stress remained.

2022: 5 out of 10 - bought a new car, enjoyed my job most of the time, had a good work and life schedule and finally felt more financially secure, but started dating a really toxic guy that would manipulate and control me, and I didn't realize it. 

2023: 4 out of 10 - Broke up with the toxic guy and came out to my parents. They didn’t take it well, but at least I wasn’t living a lie anymore. I became depressed for the third time in my life after their reaction but eventually bounced back after realizing I couldn’t change their opinions. Thankfully, I had a strong support circle to help. Started dating a really nice guy that really liked me but then I still went back to dating the toxic guy which is probably the stupidest decision of my life. Cut-off 2 supposedly ''close'' but not good friends which was new for me because I am not used to establishing boundaries. 

2024: 7 out of 10 - Finally ended the toxic relationship and cut-off that ex-once and for all. Bought another house and my condo in Toronto was finally delivered. Spent most of the year adjusting to home ownership and trying to get approval for two mortgages within 3 months of each other which was very stressful. Started dating someone new that is very sweet and thoughtful and probably the healthiest relationship of my life so far. Still many struggles financially this year as my finances were stretched thin but thankfully my parents helped out with closing costs for both properties. Got my professional license, promoted and got my first pet. 

2025: So far 8 out of 10 - Finances are back under control, planning many more trips and spending time with my partner, friends and cat. Future is uncertain but I am optimistic. Also starting a new job. Dealing with some new health issues but so far, they seem manageable. 

Hey, just passing by to thank you guys again. I met someone very special a couple weeks ago and started a relationship with him, there's some distance between us but it's not too much, we've already met in-person and made memories that will stick with me forever. It hasn't been even a month since I made that post but suddenly I do see a light at the end of the tunnel, hopefully I'll keep going and reach it.

Edit: oh and also I wanted to share this amazing song he showed me, he related to the lyrics a lot and so do I because they're about this kind of stuff too.

All the days that I live
The best is yet to come if I just wait for it
But time will find a way to run your patience thin
Praying for some promise that this life can make
With my youngest years at stake

Meh. Could be better. Could be worse.

After a struggle of 2 months after my last post in this thread, where I was stressed enough to not really play video games, things are feeling much better. But summer is always nice like that.

And then he broke up with me suddenly, listing a bunch of things I did he'd never told me about until it was too late to give me a chance.. I can't believe it, I really thought I'd found the one. This is exactly how my previous boyfriend broke up with me too... I'm just completely unlikeable. Unloveable. I'm not meant for happiness. I'll never find it.

:(

It's not the end of the world; I've been there, broke up with someone I dearly loved in 2013 and thought I'd never find that again.

Now I'm coming up on 4 years with someone new who is just as amazing in their own way.

Hang in there mate, it'll get better.

Sigh... I hope so, thanks.

I'm trying to take the right lessons from this. Learn what I didn't learn last time I was broken up with. I need to be a better person to myself before I can be any good for someone else. I don't know how long it'll take for me to feel better and get better, but it'll always sting that I lost such an amazing person. I don't know that I'll ever find someone who makes me feel that good, and well, right now I don't even like the thought of it. I'm still so attached to him. Like wishing he'll change his mind and come back, but knowing he won't... though hopefully we'll be able to salvage a friendship, at least.

Truth is, I needed this to improve as a person. It's so hard to take and it takes so much strength to actually try to take the positives from it instead of lumbering in sorrow and self-hatred. And I've always been a really weak person. But well, it's up to me to change that now.