DISCLAIMER!: What follows is real and i in no way made this shit up i promise!
It's been a real bad week for Wolfsburg's German forward Max Kruse, on many fronts.
It started last Tuesday, when it was revealed that in a night out gambling in Berlin last October, Kruse came out in the plus column with roughly the equivalent of $85,000 in winnings. Surely you're thinking, "That doesn't sound bad to me." Well, it got bad in a hurry when Kruse left that cash in a taxi, and the news only became public after he reported the lost money to police last month. Wolfsburg fined Kruse $28,000 for his transgressions and poor decision-making.
"Some people would have never seen so much money in their lives and certainly not in cash," Wolfsburg sporting director Klaus Allofs said. "I can only hope that this is a lesson for him and he will change his behavior somewhat."
But wait, there's more. So much more.
Allofs also took an opportunity to scold Kruse for some of his other problems, namely an apparent addiction to the delicious chocolate spread Nutella.
"This sort of thing is dealt with internally," Allofs said. 'We speak with all of our players every six months. The aim is support them in such a way that will put them in a position to deliver their optimum performance."
I have a hard time fathoming losing $85,000 in a taxi. But an addiction to Nutella is understandable. I would eat it with my bare hands if no other utensil was available. I have eaten it with my bare hands when no other utensil was available. Kruse is a world-class athlete, so he has some higher standards to meet than old, bloggin' me, but I can forgive a him for letting the Nutella demon grab hold of him for a while. It's happened to better men than I.
The final nail in Kruse's terrible week was the news that German national team manager Joachim Loew dropped the striker from the squad ahead of a major friendly with England in the coming week.
"Last weekend's incident goes against my expectations," Loew said. "Max has once again behaved unprofessionally and I don't accept that.
"Euro 2016 is on the horizon and we have big goals as a team there. We need players who are focused and aware of their status as a role model."
I promise things will get better, Max. Just don't try to find the answers to your problems at the bottom of a Nutella jar. You'll only find pain. Delicious, chocolatey pain.
Watch your back Nutella