You're missing his point, MrMarc
Crusty VGchartz old timer who sporadically returns & posts. Let's debate nebulous shit and expand our perpectives. Or whatever.
Shamus and Murphy fancied a pint or two but didn't Have a lot of money. Between them, they could only raise the staggering sum of one Euro.
Murphy said 'Hang on, I have an idea.'
He went next door to the butcher's shop and came out with one large sausage.
Shamus said 'Are you crazy? Now we don't have any money left at all!'
Murphy replied, 'Don't worry - just follow me.'
He went into the pub where he immediately ordered two pints of Guinness and two glasses of Jamieson Whisky.
Shamus said 'Now you've lost it. Do you know how much trouble we will be in? We haven't got any money!!'
Murphy replied, with a smile. 'Don't ! Worry, I have a plan, Cheers!'
They downed their drinks. Murphy said, 'OK, I'll stick the sausage through my zipper and you go on your knees and put it in your mouth.'
The barman noticed them, went berserk, and threw them out.
They continued this, pub after pub, getting more and more drunk, all for free.
At the tenth pub Shamus said 'Murphy - I don't think I can do any more of this. I'm drunk and me knees are killin me!'
Murphy said, 'How do you think I feel? I lost the sausage in the third pub.
| Joeron said: Shamus and Murphy fancied a pint or two but didn't Have a lot of money. Between them, they could only raise the staggering sum of one Euro. Murphy said 'Hang on, I have an idea.' He went next door to the butcher's shop and came out with one large sausage. Shamus said 'Are you crazy? Now we don't have any money left at all!' Murphy replied, 'Don't worry - just follow me.' He went into the pub where he immediately ordered two pints of Guinness and two glasses of Jamieson Whisky. Shamus said 'Now you've lost it. Do you know how much trouble we will be in? We haven't got any money!!' Murphy replied, with a smile. 'Don't ! Worry, I have a plan, Cheers!' They downed their drinks. Murphy said, 'OK, I'll stick the sausage through my zipper and you go on your knees and put it in your mouth.' The barman noticed them, went berserk, and threw them out. They continued this, pub after pub, getting more and more drunk, all for free. At the tenth pub Shamus said 'Murphy - I don't think I can do any more of this. I'm drunk and me knees are killin me!' Murphy said, 'How do you think I feel? I lost the sausage in the third pub. |
Oh man, that was a crazy one! Nice job Joeron
Little Red Riding Hood was walking through the woods when, suddenly, the Big Bad Wolf jumped out from behind a tree and, holding a sword to her throat, said, "Red, I'm going to screw your brains out!"
Little Red Riding Hood calmly reached into her picnic basket and pulled out a .44 magnum and pointed it at him and said, "No, you' re not. You're going to eat me, just like it says in the book."
It was the first day of the school year and the shop teacher was surprised to see a rather "princess-like" young lady sitting in the front row of the classroom.
Her name was Judy and she was the only girl to sign up for the woodworking shop class that term. The shop teacher asked her if she was sure she was in the right class, and Judy assured him that she was.
The teacher then said, "This course may be a bit outof your league. Do you have any experience at all working with tools?"
"What exactly do you mean?" replied Judy.
"Well, what's the difference between a nail, a screw and a bolt?" the shop teacher asked.
Judy pondered the question for a moment, then replied, "Well, I can't rightly say as I know, 'cause I ain't never been 'bolted'.
| Mistershine said: @sienster It wasn't meant as an insult, sorry if it came across that way. |
No problem, I was probably a bit harsh too.
I like this thread, there are some really funny jokes here! My favourite one comes from SuperDave until now.
And now let's see if you people like Swiss jokes. I don't know if it works via PC and in english, but when a friend told me this one, I couldn't stop laughing:
A girl comes to a preacher to confess her sins. She tells him that she called someone a son of a bitch. The preacher then says that this is bad and asks her why she did that. She answers: "Well he touched me." The preacher touches her arm and asks: "Like this?" She says: "Yes, and he also touched my breasts". The preacher touches her breasts and asks her if the other guy did it like that, and she answers yes. Then the preacher touches her vagina and asks: "Did he also do this?" She answers: "Yes, and he also had sex with me". Then, the preacher fucks her. When he has finished, he says: "Well, but that's still no reason to call someone a son of a bitch." The girl: "Yes, but after we had sex, he told me that he has AIDS!" The preacher: "What a son of a bitch!!!"
Maybe a little offensive, but after all those racist jokes I think this one is rather tame 
My jokes are all racist. I don't need anyone getting upset, so I'll keep em to myself.
God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds, "Look Gabriel, look what I've made." Archangel Gabriel looked puzzled and said, "What is it?"
"It's a planet," replied God, "and I've put LIFE on it. I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a great place of balance."
"Balance?" inquired Gabriel, still confused.
God explained, pointing to different parts of Earth, "For example, Northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth while Southern Europe is going to be poor; the Middle East over there will be a hot spot. God continued, pointing to different countries. "This one will be extremely hot and arid while this one will be very cold and covered in ice."
The Archangel, impressed by Gods work, then pointed to a large land mass and inquired "What's that one?"
"Ah," said God. "That's Wisconsin, the most glorious place on Earth. There's beautiful lakes, rivers, streams and an exquisite shore-line along the largest of the Great Lakes. The people from Wisconsin are going to be modest, intelligent and humorous and they're going to be found traveling the world. They'll be extremely sociable, hard-working and high-achieving, and they will be known throughout the world as diplomats and carriers of peace. I'm also going to give them a super-human, undefeatable football team who will be admired and feared by all who come across them."
Gabriel gasped in wonder and admiration but then proclaimed. "What about balance, God? You said there will be BALANCE!"
God replied wisely. "Wait until you see the loud-mouth bastards I'm putting next to them in Minnesota."
The Vikings decided the Packers must be cheating so they demanded another rematch and sent a spy dressed in green and yellow to check it out. This time the Packers came in with 300 lbs. of fish and the Vikings STILL had zero.
The Vikings then asked their spy if the Packers were cheating.
"Hell yes, they're cheating. They're drilling holes in the ice!!"He spotted a golden telephone on the vestibule wall and was intrigued with a sign which read "$10,000 a minute." Seeking out the pastor he asked about the phone. The pastor answered that this golden phone is, in fact, a direct line to Heaven and if he pays the price he can talk directly to God. The man thanked the pastor and continued on his way.
As he continued to visit churches in Denver, Des Moines, Dubuque, St. Louis, Chicago, even east to Raleigh and Gary and he found more phones, with the same sign, and got the same answer from each pastor.
Finally, he arrived in Wisconsin. Upon entering a church in West Allis he saw the usual golden telephone. But THIS time, the sign read "Calls: 25 cents'! . Fascinated, he asked to talk to the pastor.
"Reverend, I have been in cities all across the country and in each church, I have found this golden telephone and have been told it is a direct line to Heaven and that I could talk to God, but, in the other churches the cost was $10,000 a minute. Your sign reads 25 cents a call. Why?"
The pastor, smiling, replied, "Son, you're in Wisconsin now. This is God's country...it's a local call."
u arsshole! WE HAD A FoCKIN TRUCE eisenhower hax hes killing all my i didnt click there omg this game blows im goin afk so don't attack me now we need some1 to join!
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