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Dear Diary,

Sigh. I'm having some trouble with my boyfriend Sonny. He's great, and that's the problem. He's great, everyone thinks he's great, he knows that everyone thinks he's great, and it's just... well he's getting kind of a big head. That's putting it too mildly. He thinks he's all that, and he's acting like a **** because of it. It's like he thinks, pardon my language, that his **** don't stink.

There's another guy. His name is Mike. Mike is rich. Like, super rich. Richer than Sonny. Like Bill Gates Rich. It's not that though. I don't care about the money but, it's just kind of cool that someone like that is into me. It's just so flattering to think that a super rich guy like him would be interested in a weird little girl like me. Mike really likes me for me. I could just be my nerdy self around him. He digs that I'm so into sci-fi and I'm OBSESSED with the internet. We've been talking online a lot. I think I might be falling for him...

Dear Diary,

Sonny's changed. He just doesn't do anything for me anymore. He's taking me for granted like I have to be with him. He thinks that I'm just going to stay with him no matter what. He's not even trying anymore!

The worst part about it is that all he wants to do is watch movies now. He got this fancy new bluray thingy and that's ALL HE WANTS TO TALK ABOUT! I don't want to just sit around and watch movies!!! And uhhh... I don't even know if I should write this... but... I think he has crabs.

I've been spending a lot of time with Mike lately. I'm a little embarrassed but whatever. We actually do things, you know? He takes me to the mall, we jam together, and we go driving, larping (nerd and proud :p), we go to the shooting range,  to the bottom of the ocean, and to into space. Well, that's an exaggeration, but you know what I mean. He's amazing. He's adventurous. He's manly, but he's also in touch with his inner nerd. He's the kind of guy who's into all that military machismo stuff, but he's also into that awesome fantasy stuff. He's like a dream come true <3.

There's also another guy, Nick. He's kind of a blast from my past. He was my first real boyfriend. Well, I don't know if you'd really call it a boyfriend. We were really young at the time, and it was more like playing boyfriend and girlfriend than anything. I've been seeing him now and then on the side, just as friends. He's kind of cute in an awkward sort of way, but he's a little too clingy. It's always “we this” and “we that”. He's also REALLY into the whole family thing. He's always thinking about kids, and he spends a LOT of time with his relatives. It's kind of sweet, but I don't want to go bowling with his grandma, I WANT TO HAVE FUN!

I think I'm going to break up with Sonny. It breaks my heart, but I'm young, and I need someone that cares about me. Someone who really gets me, and someone who is going to fight for my love. This is the hardest thing I've ever done, but I have to move on.

Dear Diary,

Me and Mike have been having some issues. I don't know how to say this, but uhhhh, ahem, I can't turn him on anymore. Whenever I try to talk to him about the problem, he just pretends it doesn't exist. He goes to the doctor or something (and he expects me to pay the bills), he comes back, and he's good for about a month, and then it's the same thing over again. I think there's some medical problem with him. There's this reddish ring around his uhhhh... you know...

Still, when things are good, they're absolutely amazing. He's the kind of guy that's cool about me hanging out with all my friends. He even encourages us to get together to party and chat and all that stuff. He's always leaving me these sweet little notes of encouragement whenever I have some kind of milestone, no matter how big or how small. It's soooooo sweet.

I probably wouldn't put up with all this for some other guy, but I think we can work through this. As long as he keeps proving that he loves me, I'll stay with him.

Dear Diary,

Mike has been acting weird. It's like he doesn't know who he is anymore. It's the most freaking bizarre thing ever, but he's acting exactly like my exes. He's getting WAY too into the family thing and the fitness craze like Nick was, and he's getting crazy obsessed with movies like Sonny was. He spends like half of the day sitting home and streaming Netflix.

Is that what he thinks I want him to be? Is this jealousy or something? If I wanted to be with one of those guys, I'd be with them. If I wanted to play tennis with my mom, I'd be with Nick, and if I wanted sit on my ass and be an entertainment junkie, I'd be with Sonny.

It's like Mike is forgetting why I wanted to be with him in the first place. We still have fun now and then, and we still do the things we used to do, but less and less recently. He's talking about adopting all of these weird pets, and going to Disneyland, and that's just soooo not what I'm into right now. I want something more... dangerous. More hardcore. I just don't know what to do. What's happening to the man I love?

Dear Diary,

I just don't know what to do. He's gone from weird to weirder. He got a smart phone recently and it's all he could talk about. He calls it something weird... like his “Smart Glass” or something. “Oh look, I could change the channel with my phone, I could play music on my TV while controlling it with my phone, I could look up stream this crappy show while streaming that crappy show all with my phone, I could scratch my ass with my phone” and blah blah blah.

When he's not talking about his new phone, he's doing these weird experiments. It's like... omg it's sooooo weird, he's TALKING to his electronics. Have you ever walked into a room and seen your boyfriend talking to his TV? It's the weirdest thing ever.

I thought the weird stuff he was doing was some sort of phase, but it's just getting worse and worse. I could barely see the guy I fell in love with in there. I'm losing my mind here.

Dear Diary,

I'm thinking of breaking up with Mike. He said he's making some big changes, and that everything was going to be different. Apparently, different meant he was going to spend all of his damn time watching TV. He's sitting there for hours a day, watching TV, talking to his TV. He even said, get this, he wanted to have a relationship with his TV. How freaky is that?

When he's not watching TV he's obsessing about sports. He got into fantasy football and he talks about it ALL THE TIME. The other day he spent like an hour trying to convince me that fantasy football was the most amazing thing in the whole world.

I'm a girl who LOVES technology, but there's a limit. It's like, technology overload. It's scary. I see him sitting in his room. He has skype running, he has music blasting, he has a TV show on, and he's playing games. His eyes are darting across the screen like a madman. He either has ADD or a coke problem.

Whenever I can drag him away from his precious TV to hang out, it's like he's more interested in impressing my friends than me. He has to constantly show that he's up on whatever the latest trend is to impress them. Maybe that's what he's up to. He's just trying to keep up on everything so he could please everyone at every time. Why is he so worried about what everyone else thinks of him? He's supposed to be with ME. Am I not good enough for him? Does he think my friends are hotter? Ugh.

He gave me like the CREEPIEST gift I've ever gotten. It's this weird webcam thing. He expects me to sit in front of it all the time when I'm home. He came over one time and saw it wasn't on, and he FREAKED THE HELL OUT! He told me I needed to ALWAYS have the camera on or he wouldn't love me anymore. This has gotten out of control. I've gone past annoyed to straight up scared.

Oh, and he has to check up on me. If I go like, a day, without seeing him, he goes all psycho on me. He calls me up and he's all like "where have you been, where have you been".  . He even told me that I needed to check in with him at least once every day. Ummmm control issues much?

I just can't take it. The tech fetish, the creepy spying, all of his weird rules... I've just had it.


Dear Diary,

I know what the problem with Mike is. There's nothing there. He's not the guy I thought he was. He was the guy he thought I wanted him to be. He put on an act for me and I fell for it. Then, when he was bored with me, he tried to be what he thought would make someone else want him. And now he's just begging for approval so desperately that he's trying to be everything all at once. It's all one big act, and once you strip away the bullshit, there's nothing left.

I stayed with him for so long because I remembered the good times. He made such a great first impression that I ignored all of the signs that he wasn't what he seemed to be. I can't believe that it took me so long to see the truth. He's just not the One.

I've been thinking about my exes. Maybe I wrote them off too easily before? I mean, yeah, Nick is kind of a dork. He's a little behind the times, and he's goofy, and he's got like a Peter Pan complex or something. But, he's the only guy I know who doesn't change himself every two seconds. He knows what he is, and he doesn't try to be anything else.   As I'm getting older, the family thing is a little more important with me.  It's nice to have a guy I could bring to my family and not be embarrassed by.  He reminds me of what it was like to be a kid. He's kind of sexy in his own way. I know he cares about me, and he always will. Maybe I don't need someone exciting. Maybe I need someone stable.

And Sonny. I think he really gets it. He knows why I loved him and why I left him. We had a great talk a little while ago. I think it was in February or something. He seemed humbled. I think he's finally ready to stop thinking about himself all the time, and he's ready to really hear my needs. I'm afraid of getting hurt again, but I'm remembering why I fell for him in the first place. It's like I'm meeting him again for the first time. I don't know what to do!!!


Dear Diary,

I'm so confused right now. I did something weird. I arranged a meeting between all three of them. Am I crazy? Maybe I've just watched too much reality TV. I'm giving them all one chance. We're all going to California for a week, and I'm giving them all one final chance to WOW me. Maybe Mike will be able to explain all the recent craziness. Maybe Sonny will prove that he really has changed and it's not just an act. Maybe Nick will show that he can be a family man and still have a bit of a wild side.

I don't know who I'm going to choose. My emotions are a wreck right now. All I know is that it's going to be an interesting week...





Ok, so that's a piece I'm working on.  Curious to see what people have to say about it.  Either people are going to get it and be amused, or I missed the mark completely and they're going to be like "dafuq did I just read".  Comedy is hard in text form, so I needed a bit of feedback.  Let me know what you thought, and if you liked it, I'd appreciate it if you could help me on a title.


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"dafuq did I just read"
I gotta say.... it's like you knew what the neysayers would think......


I kinda skimmed the whole thing but damn it's fairly well written and you certainly put in the time. Also the part about Mike is pretty damn hilarious.

Get Your Portable ID!Lord of Ratchet and Clank

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Warden of Platformers

Zizzla_Rachet said:
"dafuq did I just read"
I gotta say.... it's like you knew what the neysayers would think......

Trying to do comedy is hard enough when you're not trying to appeal to a niche audience solely with text.  Lol.

thread title sound familiar... re-post of old or totally new one?

    R.I.P Mr Iwata :'(

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Absolutely loved it. Great read. Thank you for sharing. =)

Roma said:
thread title sound familiar... re-post of old or totally new one?

Eh, I dunno if anyone made a similar threat title, but this isn't a repost of anything.  This is what happens when I can't sleep at 4AM.

"I think he has crabs" Nintendopie  Was obviously right and I was obviously wrong. I will forever be a lesser being than them. (6/16/13)

Read the whole thing and laughed my ass off XD.