Funny thing about nicknames we don't always like the ones we get. Even if we pick them ourselves.

Now to continue the story.

So the relationship was going really well. He was a positive influence on me and I was reaching to my potential.  I got him a bit into video games. Rockband mostly but it was a start. Even did the resistance fall of man campaign with two players. We both got a laugh out of how the story remained the same so it was Nathan Hale's story with some poor forgotten black guy along with him who I don't even recall if they named. Even got him to got to two comic conventions with me. Wondercon in San Francisco and Comic Con International in San Diego.

We did do some traveling mostly smaller things in the Bay Area, but we did go to Vegas twice as well as somethings in Southern CA along the way or when we were in San Diego for comic con. We even went to a gay club in Tijuana now that trip has some crazy stories. He even got me to try surfing. Kinda funny really it took a guy from Ohio to get me a third generation Californian to surf. I didn't really get that good but I sure had fun.

So with how well the relationship was going. I will always wonder why neither of us asked the other to get married. Probably we didn't feel like rushing, or maybe we just thought we had all the time in the world. All the same it had been nice to know that we had that option. This was before prop 8 passed.

In September he was looking at traveling for a program on his MBA. I had started looking into going on a birthright trip to Israel. So we were then planning on meeting up together after and travel around Europe together. Sadly this was never meant to be.

Late on October 10, 2008. He was heading down to Big Sur with two other guys in his MBA program for a conference.  Their car went off the road and all 3 of them were killed.

The story doesn't end with his death though. Deaths are only ends for those who died. Those left alive still have to pick up the shattered remains, try and make sense of it clean it up and move on.

My part in the clean up was hard. Since he had not been out to his family I was asked and agreed to take care of anything in his place that would give it away, or even things that would have left too many questions. So anything sexual obvious had to go but then some other things, some pink shirts, his Out of the Closet hat and any of his gay theme DVD since he had burnt most of the selection netflix had to DVD. In addition to just taking the things that are mine that I had left there. I also did take a few things of clothes that hadn't been mine but fit me as well as him just to have something that when I wore I could think of him fondly. Some people find things like that weird but not me.

The process of going through his place is something I wish on no one. Seeing all that remained of of something so amazing. Things he had worn, things we had done. His drums from rockband. The little tables I had gotten him at my work to display some of his treasures. The poster I had given him the last time I had seen him, only thing I gave him that I couldn't take. The bed I'd helped him set and and had shared with him. I must say I am thankful he was living on campus at that point in time because I didn't have to do more than that. His place he had before moving well I guess back on campus he was subleasing and thankfully there wasn't anything for me to take care of there.

The service at Stanford was hard one to go to. Then again I've not been too many funerals before but I'd never had much exposure to death. Yeah some family of people I knew had died but not much close to me. I'd lost an Uncle the year before but he had been sick and I wasn't terribly close. I had lost my Grandfather 2 months prior but he's been very sick for 2 years it was expected and once again not that close since he lived in NY.  This was something very different.

Something that I must say I find odd about the service and media coverage of the crash was besides the room mate of one of the three who only mentioned his room mate. Nothing was mention of them being gay or on there way to a conference that was LGBT related. Although everyone at least those that new them already new but since they did film it to send to the family that couldn't make it. It did make sence to me so although I wasn't mentioned in the program I had the full support of everyone there.

The funeral in Ohio though was a very different story. I had some family come with me so at least I wasn't on my own but even with them there it was far from easy.

So the night we got there they had a showing of the body. It was just so odd. Other than looking a bit puffy he could have just been sleeping. His mother and brother thanked me for coming although his mother pulled me aside and ask that I stay quiet about the fact he was gay especially for his father. I agreed to it. I just didn't know how hard it was going to be. Considering my mother my sister and myself were some of the only if not the only white people at the funeral we were going to get some attention since we weren't family, so the family would want to thank us for coming. Especially his dad. Now his dad was a tall man deep voice and very strong handshake, and I think he knew or had an idea since he kept asking questions but at the same time I don't think he wanted to know since he didn't ask the right questions.  Thankfully he let me go so I was able to have my moments for me and not just for other people.

The next day was the funeral. Somehow he had some direction wrong but thankfully my sister was able to look things up with her phone and was able to get GPS with it so we could get there. Well eventually. By the time we got there we had to find a place to sit in the overflow area but thankfully we were there. I don't remember anything that people said about him I just know that there were so many people there that loved him. So when the service ended people were given the opertunity to walk by the casket again. They still had it open. I really wish they hadn't that's not how I like to remember him. His mother and brother specifically thanked me again for being there.  

The funeral procession was unreal. It seems everyone one the road was paying there respects. Many cars pulled off the road. Some people were even saluting. Just very different from any other funeral procession I've been in although that doesn't say much for me but even my mother commented on it so I knew it was something.

The burial was weird to me. They set up this area cover it with fake grass, set up a tent and some chairs. Some words were said I don't remember exactly whatever the 7th Day Adventist believe. So then all the stuff was cleared. A concrete slab was lowered in. The coffin was lowered it. Another bigger concrete slab was put on top and then whatever earth mover they had just dumped the dirt on top. I guess I prefer a Jewish funeral. Where it's done by the mourners. It was also sad to me just being another person there and not being acknowledged as his significant other but I knew that would be the case, it still didn't make it easy though.

At the service after I was ambushed by his father a few more times. By the last time when he was asking "what was the connection" I was ready to ask back "Do you really want to know?" but I knew even that would give away to much so I stuck to what I was saying and never told him. I'm pretty sure he knows but I at least feel I did what I had agreed to do.

Haven't had much contact with the family since. Talked with his brother a bit on facebook and he seems to be doing well. Heard a bit from some of the people at Stanford and also see some of them on facebook. Did go to a light the night walk with several people from there to raise money in his name since he had been a survivor or leukemia at a very young age. Only time I heard from his mother was when she was wondering where some of his stuff was that I had nothing to do with. She didn't ask me how I was or anything like that just where is his camera and a few other things.

Funny thing about nicknames we don't always like the ones we get. Even if we pick them ourselves.

Now to continue the story.

So the relationship was going really well. He was a positive influence on me and I was reaching to my potential.  I got him a bit into video games. Rockband mostly but it was a start. Even did the resistance fall of man campaign with two players. We both got a laugh out of how the story remained the same so it was Nathan Hale's story with some poor forgotten black guy along with him who I don't even recall if they named. Even got him to got to two comic conventions with me. Wondercon in San Francisco and Comic Con International in San Diego.

We did do some traveling mostly smaller things in the Bay Area, but we did go to Vegas twice as well as somethings in Southern CA along the way or when we were in San Diego for comic con. We even went to a gay club in Tijuana now that trip has some crazy stories. He even got me to try surfing. Kinda funny really it took a guy from Ohio to get me a third generation Californian to surf. I didn't really get that good but I sure had fun.

So with how well the relationship was going. I will always wonder why neither of us asked the other to get married. Probably we didn't feel like rushing, or maybe we just thought we had all the time in the world. All the same it had been nice to know that we had that option. This was before prop 8 passed.

In September he was looking at traveling for a program on his MBA. I had started looking into going on a birthright trip to Israel. So we were then planning on meeting up together after and travel around Europe together. Sadly this was never meant to be.

Late on October 10, 2008. He was heading down to Big Sur with two other guys in his MBA program for a conference.  Their car went off the road and all 3 of them were killed.

The story doesn't end with his death though. Deaths are only ends for those who died. Those left alive still have to pick up the shattered remains, try and make sense of it clean it up and move on.

My part in the clean up was hard. Since he had not been out to his family I was asked and agreed to take care of anything in his place that would give it away, or even things that would have left too many questions. So anything sexual obvious had to go but then some other things, some pink shirts, his Out of the Closet hat and any of his gay theme DVD since he had burnt most of the selection netflix had to DVD. In addition to just taking the things that are mine that I had left there. I also did take a few things of clothes that hadn't been mine but fit me as well as him just to have something that when I wore I could think of him fondly. Some people find things like that weird but not me.

The process of going through his place is something I wish on no one. Seeing all that remained of of something so amazing. Things he had worn, things we had done. His drums from rockband. The little tables I had gotten him at my work to display some of his treasures. The poster I had given him the last time I had seen him, only thing I gave him that I couldn't take. The bed I'd helped him set and and had shared with him. I must say I am thankful he was living on campus at that point in time because I didn't have to do more than that. His place he had before moving well I guess back on campus he was subleasing and thankfully there wasn't anything for me to take care of there.

The service at Stanford was hard one to go to. Then again I've not been too many funerals before but I'd never had much exposure to death. Yeah some family of people I knew had died but not much close to me. I'd lost an Uncle the year before but he had been sick and I wasn't terribly close. I had lost my Grandfather 2 months prior but he's been very sick for 2 years it was expected and once again not that close since he lived in NY.  This was something very different.

Something that I must say I find odd about the service and media coverage of the crash was besides the room mate of one of the three who only mentioned his room mate. Nothing was mention of them being gay or on there way to a conference that was LGBT related. Although everyone at least those that new them already new but since they did film it to send to the family that couldn't make it. It did make sence to me so although I wasn't mentioned in the program I had the full support of everyone there.

The funeral in Ohio though was a very different story. I had some family come with me so at least I wasn't on my own but even with them there it was far from easy.

So the night we got there they had a showing of the body. It was just so odd. Other than looking a bit puffy he could have just been sleeping. His mother and brother thanked me for coming although his mother pulled me aside and ask that I stay quiet about the fact he was gay especially for his father. I agreed to it. I just didn't know how hard it was going to be. Considering my mother my sister and myself were some of the only if not the only white people at the funeral we were going to get some attention since we weren't family, so the family would want to thank us for coming. Especially his dad. Now his dad was a tall man deep voice and very strong handshake, and I think he knew or had an idea since he kept asking questions but at the same time I don't think he wanted to know since he didn't ask the right questions.  Thankfully he let me go so I was able to have my moments for me and not just for other people.

The next day was the funeral. Somehow he had some direction wrong but thankfully my sister was able to look things up with her phone and was able to get GPS with it so we could get there. Well eventually. By the time we got there we had to find a place to sit in the overflow area but thankfully we were there. I don't remember anything that people said about him I just know that there were so many people there that loved him. So when the service ended people were given the opertunity to walk by the casket again. They still had it open. I really wish they hadn't that's not how I like to remember him. His mother and brother specifically thanked me again for being there.  

The funeral procession was unreal. It seems everyone one the road was paying there respects. Many cars pulled off the road. Some people were even saluting. Just very different from any other funeral procession I've been in although that doesn't say much for me but even my mother commented on it so I knew it was something.

The burial was weird to me. They set up this area cover it with fake grass, set up a tent and some chairs. Some words were said I don't remember exactly whatever the 7th Day Adventist believe. So then all the stuff was cleared. A concrete slab was lowered in. The coffin was lowered it. Another bigger concrete slab was put on top and then whatever earth mover they had just dumped the dirt on top. I guess I prefer a Jewish funeral. Where it's done by the mourners. It was also sad to me just being another person there and not being acknowledged as his significant other but I knew that would be the case, it still didn't make it easy though.

At the service after I was ambushed by his father a few more times. By the last time when he was asking "what was the connection" I was ready to ask back "Do you really want to know?" but I knew even that would give away to much so I stuck to what I was saying and never told him. I'm pretty sure he knows but I at least feel I did what I had agreed to do.

Haven't had much contact with the family since. Talked with his brother a bit on facebook and he seems to be doing well. Heard a bit from some of the people at Stanford and also see some of them on facebook. Did go to a light the night walk with several people from there to raise money in his name since he had been a survivor or leukemia at a very young age. Only time I heard from his mother was when she was wondering where some of his stuff was that I had nothing to do with. She didn't ask me how I was or anything like that just where is his camera and a few other things.

I had to read it again... That must be/have been awful for you dude. So sorry for your loss.

thanks

Do you feel like you've adjusted enough to be able to move on?

In some ways yes. In other ways no. I have many other issues with my life I've had to deal with since then and although I think I could be with a guy again I don't know if I'm really in a state where a guy would want to be with me.

Mate, that sucks to have everything going so right in life... Then in an instant have it all go so wrong!

Also... Don't worry about whether a guy would want to be with you or not, people are as varied as the colours of the rainbow, if you feel you're ready to move on, then someone out there would indeed be willing!

Funny thing about nicknames we don't always like the ones we get. Even if we pick them ourselves.

Now to continue the story.

So the relationship was going really well. He was a positive influence on me and I was reaching to my potential.  I got him a bit into video games. Rockband mostly but it was a start. Even did the resistance fall of man campaign with two players. We both got a laugh out of how the story remained the same so it was Nathan Hale's story with some poor forgotten black guy along with him who I don't even recall if they named. Even got him to got to two comic conventions with me. Wondercon in San Francisco and Comic Con International in San Diego.

We did do some traveling mostly smaller things in the Bay Area, but we did go to Vegas twice as well as somethings in Southern CA along the way or when we were in San Diego for comic con. We even went to a gay club in Tijuana now that trip has some crazy stories. He even got me to try surfing. Kinda funny really it took a guy from Ohio to get me a third generation Californian to surf. I didn't really get that good but I sure had fun.

So with how well the relationship was going. I will always wonder why neither of us asked the other to get married. Probably we didn't feel like rushing, or maybe we just thought we had all the time in the world. All the same it had been nice to know that we had that option. This was before prop 8 passed.

In September he was looking at traveling for a program on his MBA. I had started looking into going on a birthright trip to Israel. So we were then planning on meeting up together after and travel around Europe together. Sadly this was never meant to be.

Late on October 10, 2008. He was heading down to Big Sur with two other guys in his MBA program for a conference.  Their car went off the road and all 3 of them were killed.

The story doesn't end with his death though. Deaths are only ends for those who died. Those left alive still have to pick up the shattered remains, try and make sense of it clean it up and move on.

My part in the clean up was hard. Since he had not been out to his family I was asked and agreed to take care of anything in his place that would give it away, or even things that would have left too many questions. So anything sexual obvious had to go but then some other things, some pink shirts, his Out of the Closet hat and any of his gay theme DVD since he had burnt most of the selection netflix had to DVD. In addition to just taking the things that are mine that I had left there. I also did take a few things of clothes that hadn't been mine but fit me as well as him just to have something that when I wore I could think of him fondly. Some people find things like that weird but not me.

The process of going through his place is something I wish on no one. Seeing all that remained of of something so amazing. Things he had worn, things we had done. His drums from rockband. The little tables I had gotten him at my work to display some of his treasures. The poster I had given him the last time I had seen him, only thing I gave him that I couldn't take. The bed I'd helped him set and and had shared with him. I must say I am thankful he was living on campus at that point in time because I didn't have to do more than that. His place he had before moving well I guess back on campus he was subleasing and thankfully there wasn't anything for me to take care of there.

The service at Stanford was hard one to go to. Then again I've not been too many funerals before but I'd never had much exposure to death. Yeah some family of people I knew had died but not much close to me. I'd lost an Uncle the year before but he had been sick and I wasn't terribly close. I had lost my Grandfather 2 months prior but he's been very sick for 2 years it was expected and once again not that close since he lived in NY.  This was something very different.

Something that I must say I find odd about the service and media coverage of the crash was besides the room mate of one of the three who only mentioned his room mate. Nothing was mention of them being gay or on there way to a conference that was LGBT related. Although everyone at least those that new them already new but since they did film it to send to the family that couldn't make it. It did make sence to me so although I wasn't mentioned in the program I had the full support of everyone there.

The funeral in Ohio though was a very different story. I had some family come with me so at least I wasn't on my own but even with them there it was far from easy.

So the night we got there they had a showing of the body. It was just so odd. Other than looking a bit puffy he could have just been sleeping. His mother and brother thanked me for coming although his mother pulled me aside and ask that I stay quiet about the fact he was gay especially for his father. I agreed to it. I just didn't know how hard it was going to be. Considering my mother my sister and myself were some of the only if not the only white people at the funeral we were going to get some attention since we weren't family, so the family would want to thank us for coming. Especially his dad. Now his dad was a tall man deep voice and very strong handshake, and I think he knew or had an idea since he kept asking questions but at the same time I don't think he wanted to know since he didn't ask the right questions.  Thankfully he let me go so I was able to have my moments for me and not just for other people.

The next day was the funeral. Somehow he had some direction wrong but thankfully my sister was able to look things up with her phone and was able to get GPS with it so we could get there. Well eventually. By the time we got there we had to find a place to sit in the overflow area but thankfully we were there. I don't remember anything that people said about him I just know that there were so many people there that loved him. So when the service ended people were given the opertunity to walk by the casket again. They still had it open. I really wish they hadn't that's not how I like to remember him. His mother and brother specifically thanked me again for being there.  

The funeral procession was unreal. It seems everyone one the road was paying there respects. Many cars pulled off the road. Some people were even saluting. Just very different from any other funeral procession I've been in although that doesn't say much for me but even my mother commented on it so I knew it was something.

The burial was weird to me. They set up this area cover it with fake grass, set up a tent and some chairs. Some words were said I don't remember exactly whatever the 7th Day Adventist believe. So then all the stuff was cleared. A concrete slab was lowered in. The coffin was lowered it. Another bigger concrete slab was put on top and then whatever earth mover they had just dumped the dirt on top. I guess I prefer a Jewish funeral. Where it's done by the mourners. It was also sad to me just being another person there and not being acknowledged as his significant other but I knew that would be the case, it still didn't make it easy though.

At the service after I was ambushed by his father a few more times. By the last time when he was asking "what was the connection" I was ready to ask back "Do you really want to know?" but I knew even that would give away to much so I stuck to what I was saying and never told him. I'm pretty sure he knows but I at least feel I did what I had agreed to do.

Haven't had much contact with the family since. Talked with his brother a bit on facebook and he seems to be doing well. Heard a bit from some of the people at Stanford and also see some of them on facebook. Did go to a light the night walk with several people from there to raise money in his name since he had been a survivor or leukemia at a very young age. Only time I heard from his mother was when she was wondering where some of his stuff was that I had nothing to do with. She didn't ask me how I was or anything like that just where is his camera and a few other things.

WOW. Sad story. You deserve a hug.

Maybe I should specify the state I'm in at the moment. Unemployed nor currently in school and living with my parents. So what I was saying there is I need to get my own act together. Just really hard to find the motivation most  days.