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Barkley said:
My external I've had for... a decade? Still works great... except I used it on my WiiU and apparently it's now impossible to reformat it so I can use it on something else.

Seriously? Fuck you Nintendo!

Why would it be impossible?
Connect it to a PC. Right click on Computer, select Manage, then Disk Management and the HDD should be listed there, ready to be reformatted.
If it isn't listed there, either download and use Partition Wizard or use Windows' own command-line.