I'm starting this off with a preface: This is satire. You should only take it somewhat seriously. Deal with it.
By: ReimTime
VGC Staff were sent into a panic this past week following the surfacing of a very angry and destructive mob. The mob appeared during the VGC Staff's game award series; targeting each article with a wave of complaints and shooting down all those who disagreed with their cries of injustice; the most serious being some even calling for the resignation of the writers. In disbelief of the shitstorm that occured, the staff of VGC tasked me with investigating what it was that triggered the criticism, and also for some advice on how to alter the mechanics of the Award series in the hopes of avoiding such harassment in the future. The following is my report on my investigation into 2015's GOTY debacle.
My first priority was discovering the catalyst - or the origin of the complaints - so that I might be able to deconstruct the articles and pick out what it was that angered the mob. I discovered that the community was fairly dormant until the "biggest sales surprise of 2015" article, written by a male (hmmmm suspicious). From that point on, the criticism snowballed more and more with each third article or so (triangles have three sides.........Illuminati?), until it culminated with a big bang in the "Overall game of the year" article. Here is where I had my epiphany: all of the articles were written by males! This must mean that the angry mob was in fact a carefully organized group of feminists!
Strangely though, despite the fact that all of the articles were written by males, not one cry of inequality was present in the comments. In fact, most of the complaints went around the lines of the writers being "obviously wrong" in their personal choices. Naturally, my conclusion from this finding was that my personal definition of "feminist" was incorrect; and I sought a legitimate definition from my secret well of neverending enlightened remarks: The VGC forums.
Lucky for me I didn't have to go far before finding a worthy source, held within a thread titled "Can Feminists get any more desperate?" [source]. From here I have built a new definition:
Feminist [fem-uh-nist]: noun - 1. "Whiny girls that do nothing but whine" and fight for "elevated rights" instead of equality - [1] 2. Those with "equal rights, they even have loads of privileges and yet they can't stop complaining". "Not worthy of attention." [2]
Furthermore, feminists are known for "spouting absolute nonsense" and exhibiting "cult"-like behavior [3] After all of these irrefutable arguments, I believed I had found my match. Yet, a voice still nagged in the back of my head. If "no feminist had ever accomplished anything" [4], why were they even trying? What sort of end would they meet through their efforts?
Then it hit me. These weren't your everyday, average feminists. These were advanced feminists. Insatiable users who had an opinion on everyone's personal choice. Omniscient beings who saw through your lie that you "actually liked Rocket League", seeing as the it was inconceivable the Staff could ignore the result of the Community vote. Finally I had my answer: they were complaining on their own personal grounds - and every choice was right except the one that was made. There was no stopping this train. Unless......
At last I saw the answer to my questions, and I shaped my advice to the Staff around the theory my research produced. Since the mob could not be satisfied unless every personal belief was validated, every game needed to win every award! The only problem this method brought about was that it was against the contract negotiated between Psyonix and VGC, so we decided to ditch them as a funder. But when every game wins every award, you need large amounts of money! Even more money than usual.....
So I suggested another revision. Increased advertising on the site, as well as smart ads that catered to the needs and wants of the users! To put it simply for those in the dark, this means that some users may start to see Tampax and Vaseline commercials taking up half their page. If this upsets you, please remember that website articles are your personal medium to air your disagreements.
That brings us to the end of my report on my investigation into the VGC Awards debacle. I hope that this article will clear up any questions you may have had, or any illogical conclusions you yourself may have come to. Also, now that VGC no longer needs me, I am kind of in need of a job, so expect more of these satirical news articles covering various events in the gaming/VGC world over the coming months.
Thank you for reading!
ReimTime - investigative journalist, human rights activist, sandwich artist and Grade 10 graduate
#1 Amb-ass-ador
