By using this site, you agree to our Privacy Policy and our Terms of Use. Close

Sideshow Pachter gets his own show

I just love this generation. No generation has ever been as hilarious as this one.

This generation began with the premise that “Nintendo is going to go third party.” When the ‘Revolution’ was unveiled, journalists asked Nintendo execs, “Is this going to be the last Nintendo console?” Analysts wrote Nintendo off. The last bastion of Nintendo, the handhelds, was to be decimated by the PSP.

PS3 and Xbox 360 were going to be ‘top box consoles’ to unite all media together in the living room. Meanwhile, Nintendo execs were warning about the incredible shrinking Game Industry. “Do not listen to them,” we were told. “They will say whatever. What they really mean is the shrinking Nintendo sales, not industry sales!”

When the DS came out, analysts scoffed. “Why does it have two screens!?” DS was declared to be Nintendo’s new Virtual Boy. Games like Nintendogs was laughed at. When the DS began to trounce the PSP, it was declared, “Nintendo always does well with handhelds.” Could Nintendo’s new home console do as well as the DS? “There is a difference between home consoles and handhelds!” thundered angry people.

When the Wii remote was showed off, people gasped. IGN wrote, “Has Nintendo gone crazy!?” People were quick to write Nintendo off that they had become nothing more than a novelty toy. The ‘Revolution’ would be too far behind technologically.

But analysts like to try to become the smartest person in the room. It was often declared, “Nintendo’s only way to ‘win’ would be to sell to BOTH Xbox 360 and PS3 consumers. Selling like 60% to each of their install bases would put Nintendo ahead.”

When the ‘Wii’ name was announced, it was declared “stupid” and that no one would ever buy a console with that name.

One game developer said that if that Wii became popular, he would quit the ‘Game Industry’ and go work in movies.

The Wii comes out and is sold out in America for three years. All through that time, we were told, “It is just a fad,” and “It is just a gimmick.”

“Wait until GTA IV comes out. It is game of the generation!” It made no difference. Mario Kart Wii would end up outselling it.

“Wait until the price cuts.” Price cuts never changed anything outside a temporary boost.

Then, it was time for Nintendo to join the Theater of the Absurd. “Our new direction in games is to make games that have no content. We are going to put the burden of content on the customer. We are geniuses.” Wii momentum collapses!

At E3 2009, NSMB Wii was announced. “Is it a DS port?” “Why is Nintendo so lazy?” “Is Nintendo copying LittleBigPlanet?” “No one is going to buy that game.” And then the game keeps selling out, Wii momentum returns.

And then you have people like Michael Pachter who has been on the wrong side of every issue since this generation began. “Mark my words,” said the Pachter, “Wii HD will be coming out in 2010. It is their strategy.”

The Theater of the Absurd continues with Pachter getting his own show. I am all for it. When someone acts like a clown, put the person on the stage.

Pachter’s sideshow is only going to hurt his reputation even more (of whatever reputation he has). It is one thing to quote analysts and have them as guests. It is another thing to make them the entertainer. The result has always been that the analyst becomes seen more as an entertainer than an analyst.

Does anyone consider Cramer to be an analyst? No, everyone considers him to be an entertainer.

To those who watch the Pach-Attack video, you will instantly spot that it is an Xbox commercial. If there is any big loser in 2009, it would be Microsoft. PS3 has gained tremendously in momentum while the Xbox 360 is flat as a pancake. Wii slid down some and rocketed back up again.

How can anyone talk about the business of video games and not talk about the best selling home console and best selling handheld? If you came from Mars and watched the Pach-Attack, you would not know the DS and Wii existed. The only time Wii was mentioned was with the “declining casual gamers”. Sales of Wii Fit Plus and Wii Sports Resort are not mentioned, hilariously. All the talk about the ‘declining casual gamer’ are retailers not buying the garbage Third Rate Companies thought they could milk the Expanded Audience. The Third Rate Companies are going to be stuck selling their garbage on the core market.

I think we should start our own show called, “How Many More Porsches Can Pachter Buy?” He already has five. This guy will say anything provided the money is there.

What other new development will come from this Generation of the Absurd? We’ll just have to wait and see!

“The Industry is not declining! Pay no attention to the decrease of sales and decline in number of games being made. Casual gamers are going away. Hardcore gamers are the winners. Watch me repeat this same line again and again on Pach-Attack!” 



 

Predictions:Sales of Wii Fit will surpass the combined sales of the Grand Theft Auto franchiseLifetime sales of Wii will surpass the combined sales of the entire Playstation family of consoles by 12/31/2015 Wii hardware sales will surpass the total hardware sales of the PS2 by 12/31/2010 Wii will have 50% marketshare or more by the end of 2008 (I was wrong!!  It was a little over 48% only)Wii will surpass 45 Million in lifetime sales by the end of 2008 (I was wrong!!  Nintendo Financials showed it fell slightly short of 45 million shipped by end of 2008)Wii will surpass 80 Million in lifetime sales by the end of 2009 (I was wrong!! Wii didn't even get to 70 Million)

Around the Network

Email: About dumping Zelda Wii

I’m a bit confused about Zelda Wii as well… however, another possibility is
that they were working on Zelda w/ M+ by the time they announced M+ almost 2 years ago.  They needed to see, however, how many units they would ship before committing to it.  They did commit to it immediately after the sales numbers came through, though.

I would HOPE (which leads me to think this way, but of course it is emotional) that they are being honest and that they plan to refresh the series and that M+ work has been going on for a long time.

I’m with you on Spirit Tracks… I haven’t finished it, but after putting
several hours into it… “meh”.

I did like Twilight Princess though… but perhaps for reasons that have
nothing to do with Zelda.  Ocarina of Time was so great, for me, because they made an excellent transition to making puzzles in 3d.  It amazes me how much thought went into that.  Everything else is just icing on top.  :)

I really wonder what they can come up with in solving puzzles w/ M+ and of course the fighting… but to me the focus will always be the puzzles… they
just have to be good… note that I’m not saying HARD, but good.  :)

Anyway, I hope you’re wrong on the dumping part… because with Zelda coming out when Natal and Wand will be in their infancy, Nintendo could finally prove that Motion Control is no joke – and that they are the masters of it.

And BTW… with regards to the fact that the artistic elements were still
being decided – that seems to be how they often make the games.  They
will do the controls and gameplay first and then build the atmosphere
around that, I think.

Here’s hoping anyway.  :)  Nice site btw, keep it up!

We don’t have any information on Zelda Wii. We don’t know what the game will be. So there is not much to work with here.

But we do know what the last four or five Zeldas have been. Probability puts Zelda Wii being a Wii version of Spirit Tracks. Instead of a train, you’ll be flying from place to place. Expect something like a hot air balloon or human cannons to be the “overworld”.

Iwata seems like the type of person who does not suffer fools. When Gamecube wasn’t selling, Iwata went, “Fine,” and just shut off production haha. “I don’t want to make Mario 5,” said Miyamoto. “Well, you’re going to make it,” said Iwata.

Wii Music being discontinued fits in with this Iwata behavior. If Wii Music wasn’t doing its job, I can totally see Iwata saying, “Fine, let’s stop it,” and BAM, the game is discontinued. People in Iwata’s position do not suffer fools.

And Nintendo has to know that Spirit Tracks is not something that is exciting people. The core Zelda fans are buying the game. But is anyone else? Most people who have bought and played the game have very mixed feelings (mixed means they do not want to admit how bad it is. Give them a year or two and the ‘mixed’ views will turn into ‘THIS SUCKS!’).

Iwata saying that Zelda Wii will be released in 2010 has not been ‘corrected’ by Nintendo (only the DS comment has). This means it is coming.

I bet the Zelda Wii team thought the game was going to be put out in 2011 holiday season. Perhaps Iwata is scaring them. Nintendo execs have a habit of announcing things in the middle of interviews and then returning to their developers to tell them the bad new (if the developers didn’t read it in the paper). I think they do this because the developers cannot argue! Once Miyamoto announced Pikmin 3, they HAVE to make Pikmin 3. It was public already.

I guarantee Zelda Wii is more like Phantom Hourglass, Spirit Tracks, and even Twilight Princess than Zelda Wii is to how we want it to be. Seeing the decline Zelda has been in, Iwata likely sees Zelda Wii as “old food” and needs to be put out as soon as possible.

This is all speculation on my part.

Nintendo has to know that as hardware sellers, games like Metroid: Other M and Galaxy 2 are not going to cut it. Neither is Zelda Wii. I do not believe putting them all out near one another is ‘overkill’. They are actually weak games.

I hope Metroid: Other M is made entirely to how Sakamoto desires. This is so when the game bombs, I can laugh at him and maybe he will stop screwing up the Metroid series by adding things like “more cutscenes”.

People who think Galaxy 2 will sell better due to NSMB Wii players do not understand the NSMB Wii player. I believe guys like Miyamoto are in absolute denial about what is going on. People are not buying NSMB Wii because the game is more ‘accessible’ than 3d Mario. They are buying NSMB Wii because they are rejecting 3d Mario as a Mario game. They simply don’t like 3d Mario. 3d Mario is the reason why N64 and Gamecube never sold near the level as the NES and SNES. People like me who bought the NES and SNES for Mario would not buy the N64 or Gamecube for 3d Mario.

With the decline in Wii’s momentum, I suspect there are many changes going on behind the scenes in Nintendo’s Magical Chocolate Factory.

I expect Iwata to be cracking down on the Zelda team. Zelda can only go into further decline with games more like Spirit Tracks. Something needs to change there.

The changes that Zelda requires to become a phenomenon again are going to have to be from the ground up. Zelda Wii was too far in development to do any of the changes we want.

With motion plus, you expect Zelda to be more about sword combat and shooting arrows. But what you will get instead are motion plus puzzles and a further removal of the overworld with an increase in “story” and “cutscenes”(which is not what we want). Just as people were irritated with Spirit Tracks using the microphone for ‘puzzles’, get ready to be irritated with motion plus to be used for ‘puzzles’ in a similar fashion.

It is my belief that Nintendo developers are not any different from any other developer. The moods and desires we have seen of most game developers (“Got to add MORE cutscenes in my game!” “Must make my game into a movie!” “Let us focus on the story of the game.” “Let us explore the game’s protagonist and her personal story”) are with Nintendo developers as well. The difference is that Nintendo has very smart business people at the top forcing the Nintendo developers to make the correct games.

Remember, most people at Nintendo were against the Wii. They wanted to go “Next Generation”. I am sure as soon as Wii’s sales began to decline, they said, “We need to make a Wii HD!”

Every now and then, we get flashes of how Nintendo developers REALLY think. They end up trying to cram a story into Mario Galaxy. With NSMB DS and Wii, they wanted to put a story in there but Miyamoto wisely said “No.” And look at Metroid: Other M which seems like the ultimate incarnation of those developer desires: tons of cutscenes, “story”, exploration of the protagonist, is both 2d and 3d (!), and so on.

I believe Nintendo developers see the Core Market games as games they are really passionate about making. Games like Pokemon or Wii Sports are games they feel they HAVE to make. But their treat is the Core games.

Nintendo’s Expanded Market direction is fine. The problem is with their Core Games (excluding Mario Kart Wii). With the Wii success, the leash got slack on them. They are not going to like being unable to make whatever they want on the Core side. Even though the market CLEARLY REJECTED the art style in Wind Waker, Nintendo developers kept shoving it back in on the handheld games.

Hell, the market CLEARLY REJECTS 3d Mario. (“How can you say 3d Mario sells bad?” It is because I am comparing it to 2d Mario. That is why 3d Mario’s sales are bad. And they are not selling hardware in places like Japan.) Yet, Nintendo developers keep ramming more and more 3d Mario at us!

Nintendo had no desire to make Motion Plus games. To Nintendo developers, Wii is just another DS. With DS, the microphone and touchscreen were only used for Expanded Market games. For Core Games, it was used only for Zelda.

Note that the same exact thing is occurring with the Wii.

But the Wii is not the DS. Nintendo is in a very dangerous situation if they do not put out Motion Plus games that something other than sports and Zelda. It is a dangerous situation because the Wii sold entirely on the potential of motion games. Disappointed consumers will refuse to buy the next new Nintendo console. The Wii is already over three years old and the only Nintendo motion games is sports and WarioWare. That is pathetic.

If I was a third party company, I would say, “Why should I make motion control games when Nintendo doesn’t even make any?” And what can Nintendo say to that?

The arrogance of Nintendo developers is very high. They feel they don’t need to “explore the medium” of something like motion controls because they will dump all their “ideas” into Zelda Wii. And that is it.

Remember the “Game Industry” being all aroused over User Generated Content and how LittleBigPlanet would ‘transform all gaming’? Well, LittleBigPlanet came out and gaming did not get transformed. You had the INSANE HYPE for Will Wright’s Spore. Will Wright was a big evangelical for User Generated Content in that it would ‘change everything’.

And, to the utter shock of myself, Nintendo decided to sail entirely into the ‘User Generated Content’ direction. How did this happen? We can only speculate.

Since every other game developer was so hot and bothered by ‘User Generated Content’, we can assume that Nintendo developers were too. We can’t get Nintendo to make a non-sports, non-Zelda motion control game, but boy did all these ‘User Generated Content’ games begin to come from nowhere!

Miyamoto even said, on the eve of NSMB Wii’s release, that perhaps the next 2d Mario game would have ‘User Generated Content’. My reaction was: “Is this man stupid!?” Nintendo has a good thing going with this 2d Mario. Does he wish to destroy it? Everything User Generated Content touches turns to crap.

If left to their own devices, Nintendo developers would be putting stories and cutscenes into all Mario games, they would be putting User Generated Content in all games, would put various vehicles in Zelda with absolutely no overworld but “tons of puzzles” and even go so far as to remove the sword from Link himself, and to put cell shaded cutesy art style into every game like Wind Waker. Nintendo would destroy itself (which they have been on the habit of doing since the N64)

What this goes to show is what seems LOGICAL for a game to have from the game developer’s standpoint is completely DIFFERENT than the mass consumers’ standpoint.

We’re going to have to wait until E3 2010 to see what Nintendo’s direction is. Games like Mario 5 and Wii Fit Plus were games to rapidly make since the User Generated Content thing blew up. The big problem for Nintendo now is that while they were wasting time in their User Generated Content adventure, their competitors were making strides towards their own motion controls. There is currently a window where if Sony and Microsoft release the correct software, they will be wearing crown of motion control innovation. However, this is a big ‘if’.

Nintendo is fortunate to have those two as their competitors. Christensen, himself, even called Nintendo’s competitors as ‘tepid’.



A flashy-first game is awesome when it comes out. A great-first game is awesome forever.

Plus, just for the hell of it: Kelly Brook at the 2008 BAFTAs

This is supposed to be the game that finally gives you control of the story, and the tutorial (which is what the youtube comments say it is) isn't teaching you how to make your own story, but to use motion control to brush your teeth?

I'll give the rest of the game might be nothing like this, but why the hell is the first part of the game like that? And the RC car doesn't even seem to be playable, given the camera angles.

It seems like they were just trying to make a more "fleshed out" version of Travis Touchdown's apartment. But they just made it boring.

Anyway...

 

Email: Heavy Rain is a parody of itself

 

This is the first 9 minutes of the upcoming PS3 game Heavy Rain and it’s so hilariously bad I thought it was some kind of joke.  In case you don’t have the patience to sit through it (I couldn’t watch the whole thing) here’s the gist:

You seem to “play” through the typical morning routine of the character.  Teeth brushing, shower, getting dressed.  Whoever thought this was a good idea needs to be fired.  I use the term “play” loosely.  Most actions are simply a pause in a long cutscene that doesn’t continue until the player presses the button they’re prompted to, not that you’re allowed to do anything else anyway.

No surprise that the focus for the creators and hypers is the awesome storytelling and how it will change video games forever.  Oh wait, it’s “not a videogame anymore” and “we will probably have to find a different name for this type of experience.”(http://www.industrygamers.com/news/heavy-rain-not-a-video-game-anymore-in-my-mind-says-creator/)

I don’t know if you’ve kept up with the noise(it sure isn’t news) about this game, but it’s really some horrible amalgam of everything that’s wrong with “The Industry”®.  All the creator talks about is the storyline, and how games need to grow up and have adult content and how actors don’t take videogames seriously.  The game isn’t even out and they’re already talking about DLC and preemptively saying that anyone who doesn’t like it just doesn’t get their deep storyline.

I thought this would fit well with your new parody theme.

This is a classic case of game developers being ‘overwhelmed’ by the medium and, thus, making mediocrity. They are literally enchanted with their digital creation.

Have you seen a bad poet or a bad movie maker? They become overwhelmed by the medium. They, themselves, are entertained. But the audience is not.

In order to entertain an audience, you must be the master of the medium. The medium cannot be the master of the developer.

The mass market is not going to go for this game. Why? It is because the mass market is not entertained by computer animation. And that is all we have here is computer animation. BORING.

But I think you are right that the “Industry” is going to write editorials how this is The Greatest Game Ever and that it has made gaming as Art. Everyone else who disagrees will just be “not getting it”.

Wii Play is a more sophisticated game experience than what I just saw. And that is excluding the Tanks.



A flashy-first game is awesome when it comes out. A great-first game is awesome forever.

Plus, just for the hell of it: Kelly Brook at the 2008 BAFTAs

Wow... I watched that Heavy Rain sequence. That's... something. I can't believe they implemented a mechanic for drinking orange juice.

I wonder if you're skillful enough at drinking the oj, if you can get him to do it without coughing afterwards.



Heavy Rain: A developers take on self fellatio.



Things that need to die in 2016: Defeatist attitudes of Nintendo fans

Around the Network

Wait, wait, wait. Does Malstrom think they were targeting the mass market with Heavy Rain? If so, he can't be very bright. I'm also glad to see he shits all over a game that does something different and isn't just evil, shiny graphics based on a tutorial video, all this without having played it (hint; tutorials are usually very, very boring).
He is getting more and more ridiculous every day.



I find it hilarious how Sony fanboys have been praising this game like it's the next Messiah only to find out that Sony is secretly laughing at these hopeless fools who are about to buy a $60 interactive movie. My ribs they hurt. LOL!



Things that need to die in 2016: Defeatist attitudes of Nintendo fans

Mummelmann said:

Wait, wait, wait. Does Malstrom think they were targeting the mass market with Heavy Rain? If so, he can't be very bright. I'm also glad to see he shits all over a game that does something different and isn't just evil, shiny graphics based on a tutorial video, all this without having played it (hint; tutorials are usually very, very boring).
He is getting more and more ridiculous every day.

You'd be surprised how many people think the way to make gaming mainstream is to make it more like movies, movies are mainstream, after all. And Sony is putting quite alot behind Heavy Rain, including bundling it with the PS3.

 

If a tutorial is boring, if any part of a game is boring, you've got a problem. Being boring is the cardinal sin for an entertainment product. If your game can't be made without a boring tutorial, your game has a problem.

 

Now that's not to say there won't be an enthusiast audience who will buy this, but it won't be as big as Sony is looking for.



A game I'm developing with some friends:

www.xnagg.com/zombieasteroids/publish.htm

It is largely a technical exercise but feedback is appreciated.

Dv8thwonder said:
I find it hilarious how Sony fanboys have been praising this game like it's the next Messiah only to find out that Sony is secretly laughing at these hopeless fools who are about to buy a $60 interactive movie. My ribs they hurt. LOL!

This comment is right up there with "I don't get why Nintendo can keep selling their hopeless fans the same games every generation"

Some of us are perfectly happy to try out a console version of a visual novel/point and click game just like I'm sure yer happy to go to the fire temple and save the Gorgons for the 4th time.  What seems ridiculous to some is perfectly acceptable to another.  I can't wait to try out this "interactive movie"



...

Torillian said:
Dv8thwonder said:
I find it hilarious how Sony fanboys have been praising this game like it's the next Messiah only to find out that Sony is secretly laughing at these hopeless fools who are about to buy a $60 interactive movie. My ribs they hurt. LOL!

This comment is right up there with "I don't get why Nintendo can keep selling their hopeless fans the same games every generation"

Some of us are perfectly happy to try out a console version of a visual novel/point and click game just like I'm sure yer happy to go to the fire temple and save the Gorgons for the 4th time.  What seems ridiculous to some is perfectly acceptable to another.  I can't wait to try out this "interactive movie"

 

I seem to have struck a nerve, so I will be the adult here and let you have your bottle. Heavy Rain, light on gameplay. :P



Things that need to die in 2016: Defeatist attitudes of Nintendo fans