BRAND NEW REVIEW!!!

Episode #18

Conker

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rXoZQRjTjWA

I watched the Tail Of The Sun review.

Here are my opinions. I think that you swear way too much IMO. Swearing in itself isn't funny. Telling jokes is. You do tell a few here and there that aren't bad. The throwing a bowling ball through a hula hoop from another planet one is an example. Work more on telling jokes and less on being profane and it'd be a lot better. Also, relax a little more. I know that it's easier said than done but try not to act so wound up.

What you're doing is not easy, and I wish you luck with it.

Thanks for the advice. Will definitely apply it for future reviews. Please watch my Conker review. That one's my newest. The one you saw is a bit old.

Okay.  I'll check it out. 

Don't trust my advice though because I've told that I'm not funny several times myself.

Okay. I watched the Conker review and have to say that it's a big improvement. I think that the intro is really good. There's still too much profanity IMO but that's just my personal taste I suppose. If you didn't curse at all and then told the Rare piece of crap joke it would have been more humorous because it would have been unexpected.

I agree with your opinions on Conker's Bad Fur Day versus Conker Reloaded nearly 100%. The new look of Conker stunk. The cute and cartoony look of Bad Fur Day was what made it much funnier when Conker would do something R rated. Also, you're completely right about them ruining the Clockwork Orange intro. Horrible.

Only one other thing. Continue on working on your own style and not being inspired by AVGN. The more you distinguish yourself from everyone else, the more interesting you'll be to people.

Guess I'll watch a couple. Nothing else to do right now.....

Revised the Brawl video:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6_BLFNpigQI

Revised Conker video:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7h6yEwCGY9U

Revised a bunch of reviews on my channel. Take a look and tell me what you think.

Ratchet & Clank; A Lombax and robot that starred in some of the best Playstation platform games. He's had his shitty games like Deadlocked; An imbalanced, dull, repetitive disappointment with a movement tutorial stolen from Halo and no Clank. Quest for Booty;

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A shallow and way too short game about nothing.

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“No story?”

“Nah, forget the story.”

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Ratchet tries to find Clank. That’s not a story.

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“You’ve gotta have a story.”

“Who says you’ve gotta have a story?”

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But does finding Clank qualify as a story or nothing?

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“I say nothing.”

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Well, there’s your answer.

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“It’s about nothing.”

Secret Agent Clank; Bad story, bad audio, bad design, bad camera, bad gadgetry, bad stealth, bad game. Worse on Playstation 2.

But the one that takes the cake is Rat Shit & Skank: Lies Matter... Cause that's what this game is... Nothing but a fucking lie. PSP version; Awesome, but don't be deceived by this awful, buggy port.

Joystick maneuvered camera and aiming deteriorates rather than improves upon the shoulder button maneuvered PSP version camera cause sometimes it doesn’t work... Especially at the worst time.

The tacked on hyperactive camera, as useful as tits on a bull, is a killer.

It goes everywhere, focusing on random scenery or floor, gets stuck, often warps itself back to where it was, and may hover over your head while you’re wedged in the corner by enemy attack, missing your shots cause of imprecise aiming control.

L1 button is supposed to center it behind you, but sometimes it makes you go around, rather than the camera.

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It has a mind of its own.

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Ratchet’s totally been bastardized for both versions like a cheap imitation of the real thing.

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Graphics are flaming flamingo shit piss.

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They’re nice on PSP, but heavily pixilated on a T.V. I guess size truly does matter.

But they ruined the knob gag now that it’s on the PS2 version.

Frame rate’s bad, everyone’s less expressive and animated, thus less humorous, outside cut-scene humor is non-existent, and stage elements are bland like the short levels.

There are too many doors that open after you beat all enemies that artificially extend the levels and boss battles are easier to make up for the ludicrously rough control.

Sound is also bad, cause like everything else, it’s geared for PSP; Not PS2.

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Would rather listen to Kermit the Badger with a cold and broken Virtual Boys.

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Hover board races are devilishly disastrous cause of horrid level design, bad collision detection, and sloppy, unresponsive control.

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What a disgrace to the Lombax's legacy!

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Banjo and Kazooie, a honey bear and a breegull that starred in classics like Banjo Kazooie and Banjo Tooie; Two amazing platform games developed by Rare for the Nintendo 64. With excellent control, beautiful graphics, wonderful music, and witty humor, this is a charm that will forever be a part of our childhood. Gotta love how the music changes to suit the environment like when they dive underwater, how everyone speaks gibberish, and how Kazooie throws you behind his back to run up steep hills.

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What happened to them? Take one good fucking guess.

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Banjo Kazooie: Grunty's Revenge. Two months after Banjo Kazooie, Gruntilda, trapped under the ground by a boulder as a result of her battle with the bear and bird, is reincarnated as a robot, kidnaps Kazooie, and takes her back in time, hoping she’d never meet Banjo so she’d never get imprisoned.

As Banjo, it's your job to her by also traveling back in time through voodoo magic and stop Gruntilda.

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So yeah... No Kazooie... That means no flying and none of Kazooie's crazy moves until you rescue her, making the game even more bland until you do so.

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Sadly, the game, not made by the team that made the classics, was made after Microsoft bought Rare from Nintendo; Two justifications as to why it stinks.

Fortunately, they still look like Banjo and Kazooie... For now...

You can beat the game in just a few hours making it way too short, unless you want to collect all 10 billion items that artificially lengthen it.

Well, around 750 to be exact. That's one of the problems with this game. It's an incredibly stale collect-a-thon. Notes, jinjos, jiggies, totems, honeycombs, coins... It never ends. There's simply too many and the game focuses too much on this. By the time you finish collecting everything, the Earth will be a moon run by red gorillas and Virtual Boys. Most are just out in the open too and don't require much skill to obtain.

Notice how all shadows are the same size.

Graphics are fine, but being isometric ruins depth perception and without the third dimension, it just isn't the same. I know the Gameboy Advance is not as powerful as the Nintendo 64, but that only justifies the suckage.

Twirl on water? No splash? No Sink? Shadow on water? Bear can swim but not mouse?

Would've been Diddy Kong Pilot with tilt-sensor control, but became Banjo Pilot with D-Pad control when Microsoft bought Rare from Nintendo, this unbearable disappointment is the blandest nightmare. A.I. lacks challenge even for a kid's game, level design is bad, control is too sensitive and why do you slow down when you fly over grass? If this was a kart racer, the grass would slow you down because of friction, but this is a plane racer.

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How much crack were they smoking?

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And a bird and witch, flying in planes? I know video games aren't logical, but this crosses the line.

Attack enemies from the rear is almost impossible and there's too many bloody ice eggs that only affect enemy attacks.

Even though the graphics and music are fantastic, this game is territorial bear markings that have become soggy after a rain storm.

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Now the moment you've all been waiting for. Banjo Kazooie: Nuts & Bolts; A game with beautifully weird and shiny graphics that took a massive diarrhea on my childhood.

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Grass is lusciously green and water is sparklingly blue, but almost nothing reminisces the classics.

That would've been fine. Super Mario Sunshine is a masterpiece and it’s very different from the classics, but this game strays way too far from its routes and almost everything that is new, which is almost everything, is shitty.

When you start the game, it seems like it's going to be a classic Banjo game, but it's nothing but a lie. This is not Banjo Kazooie.

The Banjo Universe is now an 80% vehicle based Play-Doh LEGO Grand Theft Auto. This sandbox disaster is barely a platform game for it lies too heavily on vehicles. Diddy Kong Racing has Banjo in kart, plane, and hovercraft and then there's Banjo Pilot. Think that's enough vehicles?

The story is a battle between Banjo and Grunty on who owns Spiral Mountain. It’s odd, but it works.

However, there’s only five worlds, puzzle pieces don't preview levels anymore, you can make the text so small, you’d need a telescope to read it, and all classic characters look nice but all new ones look shit.

Everyone’s so fucking cubed, especially Banjo; Gives blockhead a whole new meaning. He also looks like he has Down syndrome. Bad enough they’ve been bastardized for Pilot, but now these Madagascar wannabes look even worse.

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If they like cubes so much, why didn't they make a Banjo game for GameCube or Xbox? We should be at Banjo Fiveie now, but we're not even at Threeie because they changed the name to Banjo Kazooie: Nuts and Bolts, ruining the tradition.

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Jinjos now look like gay fairies, Humba Wumba now barely looks Indian, Grunty’s now just a skull on a robot, and Load of Garbage is a rip off of Mike from Reboot.

Oh look, Banjo and Kazooie flying in an airplane. That makes perfect sense. Yeah, Kazooie doesn't fly anymore and doesn’t do any of her crazy moves. She does fuck all, but use a gun. Now she's just a bird in a backpack. Even Banjo's old moves are gone and he can’t even double jump.

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I know Grunty took them away, but that only justifies the fuckage rather than eliminate it.

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Although it’s cool that you can infinitely customize vehicles, as long as you max out a stat or even use the default ones, you’ll get the jobs done, eliminating any need for creativity and these Kingdom Heart Gummi Ship clones have the same parts, system, and annoyance.

Their handling is incredibly frustrating no matter how many times you customize them; some, too responsive… Some not responsive enough… And simply touching a grain of sand will send you hurtling into the sky, turn into it, or stop, and sometimes you get stuck under fallen debris. This wouldn’t be such a pain in the fucking ass if you didn’t need them to carry objects.

It would be easier, and I’d rather piggy back an elephant while pogo sticking in diarrhea snot pissing out a giant pelican’s mouth in a twister.

I’d ditch them and go exploring, but then I can’t complete the repetitively tedious missions that are nothing but torturous racing, redundant shooting galleries, and ignominious fetch quests. You’ll be transporting passengers, bouncing soccer balls into nets, and plugging water pipes with giant nutshells, but it’s all incredibly bland and unimaginative except the domino one. That one’s cool. Nevertheless, they’re all trial and error and because even the smallest tweaks can make big differences, you’ll be in the damn garages more than the missions, going back and forth for further adjustments. It’s fucking annoying.

Shodown Town, the ugly hub world, is the only place with platforming; an excuse to call this a platform game. Nevertheless, this is what this entire game should be like, but not as rudimentary and more diverse, with lands covered with snow, trees, and lava. The vehicles could’ve been intertwined with puzzling platform elements rather than stupid missions.

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But as it stands, it’s a wasted opportunity, and a disgrace to the bear’s legacy that needs to be rammed up a bear’s big bum!

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