I have a female friend who thought it would be funny to start peeing on her boyfriend's leg in the shower.

After a few times he decided they would cease to shower together.

 kinky b***h.

Although I wouldn't mind if my girlfriend did it, I would use it as an excuse to do something to her, like pinch and bite her nipples and clit, or something.

Ok.  Page and a half without a raunchy joke.  This ends here...

A bloke is having a pee at a public urinal when another bloke comes in and stands next to him.  The first bloke can't help but notice the odd arm movements of the second bloke.  He has his arms up, bent at the elbows with his fingers splayed out.  He looks kind of like a demented bird or praying mantis as he fumbles unsuccessfully at his fly.

Feeling sorry for the obviously handicapped fellow, the first guy motions towards his fly with obvious intentions of helping.

The handicapped man makes eye contact and gets a big grin on his face as he nods for the first guy to go ahead.  Undoing his fly, he stands back and watches the man with the handicap.  He now goes through the same spastic movements with as much success as before...

Making sure no one else is around, the first bloke then reaches down and removes the handicapped bloke's penis for him.  The handicapped man lets out a sigh of relief as he finally gets to pee.

When he's finished, the first bloke puts his penis back in and zips him up. The handicapped man smiles again and as he turns to leave says, "Thanks, man! My nails should be dry now!"

That joke made no sense at all

lol.  Apparently he was an in the closet cross dresser (and homosexual) of sorts instead of handicapped.  Hm.  I'll try to find a better one then.

There is a man in the park peeing in a fountain and a cop comes up to him and says, "Sir you need to zip that up. You aren't supposed to pee in a public fountain like that"

So the cop is leaving and the man zips up his pants but is laughing hysterically. finally the cop says "What are you laughing at?" and the man says "I zipped it up but I didnt stop!"

Last one for today.  Don't want to flood the topic with potty jokes.

If you're going to do jokes make them good ones

well I thought it was funny.  someone else might.  I didn't expect the odd circumstance to end up with him having nail polish on.  It was the furthest from my mind since they kept talking about the guy having disabilities.   Anyway, jokes aren't funny if you overanalyze.  Plus they are peeing jokes.  how many can there be that are really funny? lol.

Never done it never will.

I do it when I feel like it but has anyone ever tried to see how far up the shower wall they can pee?

A guy sits in his bar, his best mate next to him...
"Jim, maybe you can help. I've got this strange cramp in my arm all the time. It doesn't stop but, the doctor takes so much time so do you have any advice or treatment?"
Jim replies: "Well, I don't know what it is but, there is this new machine in the supermarket that can do diagnosisses if you hand it a bottle of your urine".

The man does as his friend advices him the next day. Upon placing a cup of urine in the machine, it trembles and creeks and out comes a note "You have a tennisarm. Just give it some rest and the pain ceases in 2 weeks".

The guy is amazed but instantly wonders how good this machine is. Just for kicks, He collects some muddy water from the washing machine, mixes it up with poo from his dog, collects some urinesamples from his daughter and his wife, and as the coup de grace wanks some additional ingredients in the cup.
He places the mixture in the machine and after a lot of creeking and trembling a note pop's out:

"Your washing machine has a calcium-leak, I suggest you get a mechanic. Your dog has wurms, get her to a vet. Your daughter apparantly uses her bong daily. Your wife is pregnant... but not from you and if you don't stop wanking that tennisarm is never going to be healed."