lol, nice Vaio keep them coming.

Responding to Accusations, Capcom Makes Resident Evil 5 Even More Racist

Ever since the next installment of the zombie slaughtering “Resident Evil” franchise was announced to be taking place in a remote country in Africa, white people everywhere took to message boards in protest. The initial idea for Resident Evil 5 pitted the player against African villagers, a concept that didn’t sit well with pointlessly sensitive gamers who had become so used to fighting predominantly light skinned fictitious video game zombies all their lives. The game’s creators promptly responded last month by releasing a new trailer which featured a slightly more diverse batch of enemies but alas, detractors were still not satisfied. That’s why today, Capcom has released an exclusive first look at the now equal opportunistically racist Resident Evil 5: White Guilt, an all out onslaught of undead stereotypes and obvious ethnic jokes in poor taste.

Redundant Air Traffic Controller & His Tragedy Prone Gang Of Spin-Offs

(yes, this is actual, completely real video game box art)

When Majesco announced their latest offering to the world of Nintendo DS shovelware, we couldn’t help but get excited. A game about being an air traffic controller starring a self proclaimed air traffic controller? Well, fuck, sign us up! We immediately ran to the dollar store and purchased it. We’re happy to report that it seems our single sold copy has helped Majesco recoup all of the losses incurred in developing the title and as a result, we’ll be seeing lots of sequels in the not too distant future. But what could they possibly have in store for us? Read on for a minus world exclusive first look!

5 Things That Didn’t Kill Gaming As We Know It, Just Like Wii Fit Won’t

Travel the dusty inner tunnels of any video game message board and you’ll likely be struck with the fear that popular, non-traditional video game outings like Wii Fit will be the death of conventional gaming as we know it. We’ve heard their Chicken Little-ing; Wii Fit will supposedly usher in an era where casual gamers (i.e. your mother and her hiked-jean sporting peers) will help amass such great sales that companies will shift focus towards their demographic, thus leaving us pale cherubs abandoned in our gameless dens of nerdery. Gamestops will crumble, thumbs will petrify and Wii mote wielding senior citizens will rule the streets like a zombie apocalypse riding Rascals. Bullshit. We gamers been have through far worse crazes than this and survived the aftermath A-OK…

Dance Dance Revolution

Had aliens landed on earth when the DDR craze was at its peak, we wouldn’t have noticed. Mostly because they would’ve either left with the quickness or committed ritual suicide into an active volcano at the mere site of a 367-pound sweatpants donning diva dancing her ass into a swampy coma in the middle of an arcade. Arcades used to be a haven for violent Mortal Kombat duels, shitty pizza and Hasidic Jew summer day camp bus trips. Now they had become makeshift techno gyms for fat assholes who couldn’t give a shit about our House of the Dead high scores. Imagine if the DDR sect became gaming’s center nebulous. We’d all be trapped in a perpetual Euro dance club land where every movement was dictated by colorful electronic arrows and the drum patterned soundtrack would mimic the incessant pounding of a man buried alive in a coffin, desperately trying to escape.

John Madden

How the fuck did an industry built on the geeky stilts of wedgie wounds and chick deprivation let the jocks come in and take such a huge piece of our pie? These guys used to twist our nipples, get more pussy than us and dominate in everything that wasn’t academic or intelligent. Now we’re standing next to them in a video game store waiting for them to fumble through their wallets to purchase this year’s freshest jock strap of gaming. Madden fans somehow morphed the notion of a sequel from “robust new entry in acclaimed franchise” into “new cover art and 14 new unlockable helmets,” giving lazy developers an annual free pass to do basically nothing. Imagine if the first Resident Evil was released every year with barely any new content and we all mindlessly purchased it like hypnotized consumer whores? Oh wait, bad example.

Learning Games

“Learning Games” is a combination of two words that should never be bedmates, like man boobs, non-alcoholic and dead hooker. The concept of learning games wasn’t an inside job - none of us shot an arrow through Ganon’s head at the end of Legend of Zelda and were struck with the immediate disappointment that the game didn’t teach us typing. Reader Rabbit, Math Rabbit, Oregon Trail—these games were merely diversions from the real deal, gateway drugs for our parents to find some sort of solace with the fact that we were spending a dozen hours a day mashing buttons in front of demonic little plastic boxes that shot pixels all over their televisions. Had this tidal wave of educational naivety spiraled into the trenches of our actual hobby, we’d all be drowning in knowledge right now, and not the good kind, mind you. The only thing in life that’s more useless than collecting every trophy in Super Smash Bros. is algebra.

The Sims

Yanking a gamer from the fantasy adventure worlds of our imaginations back into the mundane, cyclical day-to-day rituals of reality is like getting punched in the face in the middle of a wet dream. The Sims managed to take everything we had built as the visionary standard of our beloved art-form and brutally ravage it. Casual gamers came out in droves to purchase the title, which momentarily gave them a break from things like going to the bathroom and ignoring their nagging mother in the real world so they could replicate similar acts of boredom in the game. The push for reality based games has always baffled my inner connection with video games as a trip through escapism. Mimicking the daily boredom of the average American suburbanite should never, ever be confused with ingenious game design, and a world taken over by Sims games would’ve done nothing but constantly echo the banality of our own lives. Plus the graphics sucked.

The NES Power Pad

Wii Fit’s ominous balance board is seen by many as a Trojan horse of sorts, sitting calmly in the center of your living room as it waits for the perfect moment to strike at hardcore gaming’s esophagus. But your grandfather’s new favorite exercise machine had a grandfather of its own, and in 1988, everybody owned one. The Power Pad was a ridiculously over sized plastic mat that was barely utilized in any games. Yet, the brainless foot mashing and endless panting it required (just to keep up with Bobcat in World Class Track Meet) is still seen as an iconic image of console gaming’s humble youth. Track Meet was known as Family Trainer overseas, a title that should instill fear into the heart of any kid. Had the Power Pad ruled the earth, every video game system in the world might have eventually morphed into a kindred gym of physical exertion. Floors would crumble, Master Chiefs would be crucified and humans would be allergic to sunlight, forcing humanity to devolve into a nocturnal (but muscular) pack of inbreeds.


Luckily, though, one accessory won’t change the shape of the industry when it comes to video gaming. It hasn’t even been proven to change the shape of our beer guts. So like the Power Pad, the success of Wii Fit will only lead to the growth of the industry as a whole. And that will only lead to more money, which means more funding for the dorky fantasy games we traditional gamers will never stop buying up in droves. Relax people, it’s all still in our hands.

Artwork by: Tyler Bronis

Nintendo, I Love You, But You’re Bringing Me Down

Remember Kanye West went on that televised Hurricane Katrina fundraiser, carefully crafted his thoughts and then eloquently stated that George Bush doesn’t care about black people? Then Mike Meyers went all cross-eyed and opened a lemonade stand in his pants…. priceless. After looking over Nintendo’s holiday season lineup I wouldn’t be surprised to see Lil’ Wayne at a Bernie Mac memorial declaring that Shigeru Miyamoto doesn’t care about hardcore gamers.

Harvest Moon-Tree of Tranquility/Wii & DS- Seriously Natsume, do you have a room full of ankle hobbled developers who you force to blow lines of bat-shit crazy dust to make them continually pump out games in this series? A quick search showed 17 Harvest Moon games that have come out in the past few years. Until you make Harvest Moon-Cropz, an urban themed “plant” growing sim, you are dead to me.

Zoo Hospital/Wii- When motion control was announced the first thought that entered my mind was imitating the act of stimulating a Giraffes prostate with a come-hither flick of the wrist. Other waggle features included are violently shaking a chronically masturbating monkey and raising your arms to defend yourself from a polar bear attack.

Littlest Pet Shop/Wii- I love how the flood of virtual pet(z) games never seems to cease. I’m sure your polygonal puppy appreciates a nice bubble bath while your real life cat is shoved out of the door in a snowstorm and forced to battle a feral raccoon to death over a Dorito crumb. I guess when a virtual pet projectiles half digested horse meat all over your high-tops you can just turn off the game.

Are You Smarter Than a 5th Grader?/Wii & DS- The answer to that query….probably not. When I was in the 5th grade I thought a computer was a robot that transformed into a boombox. I still don’t know what an algebra is.

Animal Crossing-City Folk/Wii- Oh wait, this game is going to be awesome. I don’t care that it’s the same game I already purchased twice before. One of the great pleasures in life is carefully wording a filth-laden letter on Mario 3 stationary and mailing it to your neighbor who just also happens to be a fruity Panda that collects space furniture.