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Nintendo, I Love You, But You’re Bringing Me Down

Toe Fu on August 26th, 2008

Remember Kanye West went on that televised Hurricane Katrina fundraiser, carefully crafted his thoughts and then eloquently stated that George Bush doesn’t care about black people? Then Mike Meyers went all cross-eyed and opened a lemonade stand in his pants…. priceless. After looking over Nintendo’s holiday season lineup I wouldn’t be surprised to see Lil’ Wayne at a Bernie Mac memorial declaring that Shigeru Miyamoto doesn’t care about hardcore gamers.

Harvest Moon-Tree of Tranquility/Wii & DS- Seriously Natsume, do you have a room full of ankle hobbled developers who you force to blow lines of bat-shit crazy dust to make them continually pump out games in this series? A quick search showed 17 Harvest Moon games that have come out in the past few years. Until you make Harvest Moon-Cropz, an urban themed “plant” growing sim, you are dead to me.

Zoo Hospital/Wii- When motion control was announced the first thought that entered my mind was imitating the act of stimulating a Giraffes prostate with a come-hither flick of the wrist. Other waggle features included are violently shaking a chronically masturbating monkey and raising your arms to defend yourself from a polar bear attack.

Littlest Pet Shop/Wii- I love how the flood of virtual pet(z) games never seems to cease. I’m sure your polygonal puppy appreciates a nice bubble bath while your real life cat is shoved out of the door in a snowstorm and forced to battle a feral raccoon to death over a Dorito crumb. I guess when a virtual pet projectiles half digested horse meat all over your high-tops you can just turn off the game.

Are You Smarter Than a 5th Grader?/Wii & DS- The answer to that query….probably not. When I was in the 5th grade I thought a computer was a robot that transformed into a boombox. I still don’t know what an algebra is.

Animal Crossing-City Folk/Wii- Oh wait, this game is going to be awesome. I don’t care that it’s the same game I already purchased twice before. One of the great pleasures in life is carefully wording a filth-laden letter on Mario 3 stationary and mailing it to your neighbor who just also happens to be a fruity Panda that collects space furniture.