::clears throat::
I fucking despise Weezer and everything they've ever done, including the first 2, which I used to love. But now they suck so hard that I finally went over the edge and can't even listen to their first 2 albums because they'll make me want to puke. I hate them and hope they die. Rivers Cuomo is one of the most pathetic sell-outs ever to walk the face of the earth.
Their first album did well. They got rich.
Rivers Cuomo boned all the groupies he could get his hands on because he was a shy sex-starved artist nerd. He would brag about it on his blogs, and show off his STD test results to show off how many people he'd boned in the last 6 or 12 months. Then he "got over sex" and started blogging about how he's a "born-again virgin" and swore off sex.
Then they ran out of high school pop hits, so they tried to change things up with their second album, Pinkerton, the typical "wah wah I'm rich and jaded and don't like sex or fame or money anymore and can barely communicate with my fans except through fanmail" album. It flopped. (The "I don't like money" angle usually flops.)
So they kicked out Matt Sharp, the bassist, the co-writer, and THE ONLY TALENT.
Then... nothing for 5 years, because the band actually couldn't write music without Matt Sharp. So Rivers Cuomo listens to every song Kurt Cobain ever wrote, in order, over and over and over, while taking notes, and making charts, until he cracked the pop songwriting formula! Kurt knew the formula! The secret to Nirvana's pop success! Then Cuomo got over his writer's block and started writing a song every day and putting them online, and then they put out 283570 more albums that all sucked and all made money and made their new 12 year old fans happy.
They remade their first album. Self-titled it all over again, to try to "relaunch" the franchise, I mean, band. Went back to Ric Ocasek's production, and put up the same cover with a different color. They got rich again. We're supposed to call them the blue album and the green album, like they're the fucking Beatles and we refer to their self-titleds by color or something.
At this point their first 2 albums started selling a lot again to the new fans, and they owed Matt Sharp a lot of money from them, and they ripped him off until he sued, and they settled out of court for a magically unknown sum.
Then... Pork and Beans? The old "let's just go through every joke on the internet as fast as we can" joke. It's been done a million times before, and wasn't funny to begin with. These assholes snuck in an "all your base are belong to us" ??? And I'm supposed to laugh because I've seen it before? What's next, are they going to list all my favorite books and movies and games while they sing some shitty song and I'm going to feel warm fuzzies in my belly and go "I like those things, yay!"? I'm surprised they haven't written a song about Snakes on a Plane this late. Maybe their next album will be all about sex, video games, booze, and ice cream.
I'm sick of their lowest common denominator alt-pop-schlock-nerd-rock or whatever the fuck they want to call it these days, especially when they try to act "hip" or "too cool to be hip" or whatever. They're one of the most calculated images in music. Just because they're not a boy band doesn't mean we should cut them any slack. They know exactly what they're doing, and they're moping all the way to the bank.
Ooh, another self-titled album! "The red one." Ooh he has a cowboy hat and his just-in-time-to-still-be-fashionable moustache! Did his agent tell him to grow a moustache or did he learn they were "in" from YouTube or MTV?
Also:
And here are some reviews for the new album (here's a clue: it sucks):
http://www.metacritic.com/music/artists/weezer/weezerredalbum
And stay tuned for Weezer's upcoming The Yellow Album, with the new hit single "We Like Money and Blowjobs," featuring cameos from The Tonight Show's Stupid Pet Tricks, and a dance-off starring Miley Cyrus!
Notice how he started as just one of the guys with his arms behind his back, but once he kicked out Matt Sharp, he had to pose with a guitar and become the frontman.
