Well heres mine.

How to get out of a speeding fine.

 A police officer pulls a guy over for speeding and has the following exchange:

Officer: May I see your driver's license?
Driver: I don't have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI.

Officer: May I see the owner's card for this vehicle?
Driver: It's not my car. I stole it.
Officer: The car is stolen?
Driver: That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the owner's card in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there.

Officer: There's a gun in the glove box?
Driver: Yes sir. That's where I put it after I shot the woman who owns this car and stuffed her in the trunk.
Officer: There's a BODY in the TRUNK?!?!?
Driver: Yes, sir.

Hearing this, the officer immediately called his captain. The car was quickly surrounded by police, and the captain approached the driver to handle the tense situation:

Captain: Sir, can I see your license?
Driver: Sure. Here it is. It was valid.
Captain: Who's car is this?
Driver: It's mine, officer. Here's the registration.

Captain: Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if there's a gun in it?
Driver: Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it.
Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove box.

Captain: Would you mind opening your trunk? I was told you said there's a body in it.
Driver: No problem. Trunk is opened; no body.

Captain: I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn't have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the glove-box, and that there was a body in the trunk?

Driver: Yeah, and I'll bet the big liar told you I was speeding too!

Does anyone else know any funny jokes? 

Why did captain kirk go to the ladies bathroom?

To boldly go where no MAN has gone before.

Whats worse than finding a worm in your apple?

Being raped.


Why did little sally fall off the swing?

Because she had no arms.

What kind of bees make milk?
Boobies.

What kind of peas are brown?
Poopies.

Seriously, I'm giggling like a school girl right now.

George is sitting in work when he realises he has forgot his glasses. He calls home to ask his wife to drop them off. A strange woman answers the phone, he asks who it is. The woman replies "this is the maid, the woman of the house hired me this mroning". The man thinks back to a conversation about getting a maid and assumes his wife hired her by herself.

He asks the maid to fetch his wife, the maid explains that his wife is having sex with a strange man. George is furious. He tells the maid "Would you like £40,000? Get the gun out the desk draw and kill them both. The maid agrees, she walks upstairs kills them both and returns to the phone to say "what shall I do with the bodies?"

George replies "Shove them in the shed for now". The maid is confused "you don't have a shed".

George replies "Wait a minute, this is 01523 768193 isn't it?"

highwaystar thats pretty funny.

A blonde is driving her new sports car and was having fun doing it when she cut off a truck. The driver of the truck forces her off the road and pulls up behind her.
He gets out and walks to the sports car, asks the blonde to get out. With a peice of chalk he draws a circle on the side of the road and tells the blonde to stand in it.
Then the driver gets a knife from out of his pocket and slices up the leather seats. He looks at the blonde and she is giggling to herself.
So he then goes to his truck and pulls out a baseball bat and smashes every window and damages every panel and then looks at her again and she is now laughing.
Insensed the driver says hes had enough and again goes back to his truck and gets a can of fuel, pours it all over the sports car and sets it alight.He again looks at the blonde and she is in falling over herself laughing. The driver cannot believe what he is seeing. He asks "I have totally destroyed you car and all you can do is laugh"
The blonde,after composing herself replies"well each time you did something to my car I stepped out of the circle"

An englishman, Scotsman and Irishman are working at a construction site. Every day at lunch, they take their packed lunchs to a nearby bench and eat together.
One day, the englishman opens his lunchbox and says 'tuna sandwiches again! Thats it, if my wife makes me tuna sandwiches one more time i'm going to jump off this building and kill myself'
The scotsman opens his lunchbox and says 'ham sandwiches again! Thats it, if my wife makes me ham sandwiches one more time, I'm going to kill myself aswell!'
The irishman opens his lunchbox. 'chicken sandwiches again! If my wife makes me chicken sandwiches one more time, I'll follow you guys!'
The next day, at lunchtime, the 3 men sit together again. The englishman opens his lunchbox; 'tuna again! Thats it!'
The scotsman opens his lunchbox; 'ham again! Thats it!'
The irishman opens his lunchbox; 'chicken again! Thats it!'
The three men climb to the top of the building they are working on and throw themselves off, each dying instantly.
An hour later, the police and the 3 wives are at the scene. A policeman says to another worker 'any idea why they killed themselves?'
The worker says 'they said something about if their wives make them the same sandwiches one more time they will kill themselves'
The policeman looks at the wives. 'does this make sense to you?'
The irishmans wife says 'No it doesnt! My husband makes his own sandwiches!'

Fact: 9 out of 10 people enjoy gang rape

A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.

On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."

"What?" said the puzzled groom.

"How can that be if you've been married ten times?"

"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative: he kept telling me how great it was going to be.

Husband #2 was in software services: he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.

Husband #3 was from field services: he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.

Husband #4 was in telemarketing: even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.

Husband #5 was an engineer: he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.

Husband #6 was from finance and administration: he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.

Husband #7 was in marketing: although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.

Husband #8 was a psychologist: all he ever did was talk about it.

Husband #9 was a gynecologist: all he did was look at it.

Husband #10 was a stamp collector: all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"

"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"

"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"

A huge muscular man walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender hands him the beer and says, "You know, I'm not gay but I want to compliment you on your physique, it really is phenomenal! I have a question though, why is your head so small?"

The big guy nods slowly. He's obviously fielded this question many times.

"One day," he begins, "I was hunting when I got lost in the woods. I heard someone crying for help and finally realized that it was coming from a frog sitting next to a stream."

So I picked up the frog and it said, "Kiss me. Kiss me and I will turn into a genie and grant you 3 wishes."

So I looked around to make sure I was alone and gave the frog a kiss. POOF! The frog turned into a beautiful, voluptuous, naked woman.

She said, "You now have 3 wishes."

I looked down at my scrawny 115 pound body and said, "I want a body like Arnold Schwarzenneger."

She nodded, whispered a spell, and POOF! there I was, so huge that I ripped out of my clothes and was standing there naked!

She then asked, "What will be your second wish?"

I looked hungrily at her beautiful body and replied, "I want to make sensuous love with you here by this stream." She nodded, laid down, and beckoned to me. "We then made love for hours!"

Later, as we lay there next to each other, sweating from our glorious lovemaking, she whispered into my ear, "You know, you do have one more wish. What will it be?"

I looked at her and replied, "How about a little head?"