I suppose you have all heard that idle hands are the devils playground, but what of idle bodies. Sadomasichistic persons standing quietly in line waiting for the privilege to purchase a certain videogame. Most view this an a undesirable chore. I personally view at as a fantastic opportunity to engage in humorous hijinx at the expense of others. To amuse myself with the suffering of others who are in fact my captive audience. Here are a few of my favorite line standing stunts many of which were conceived standing in my last line. Feel free to share some of your own.
1. Disturbing Illness.
The most classic way to get others as far away from you as possible is to be a victim of a horrendous, and probably highly contagious disease. This is pure brilliance in a line, because those standing beside you especially those in front of you have no where to escape to. All you need is some milk, vasoline, food coloring, and a cherry cough drop. You get bonus points if you bring something rotten with you. Hell if your going to look like death you might as well smell like death. Die yourself red, blue, or green they all work well, and then smear a thin coat of vasoline on yourself for that sweaty sheen. Milk gives you some mucas to work with, and the cherry cough drop can give you that bloody phlegm. Then pick a very contagious disease hack a little and let them see the blood. Bingo you will have people giving up their spots in line, and you may even be put at the front of the line either out of pity, or so everyone can stand as far back as possible.
2. Laced with Laxative.
You know what is better then brownies or cookies? Brownies or cookies laced with laxatives. Some people are gluttons for punishment, and will gladly share in your home cooked goodness. This works no matter when you join the line. You either have folks ducking for the restrooms leaving you free to take their place, or you know halfway home they are going to be searching for the nearest place of concealment. Either way chances are they will not be playing their game.
3. Guy on the Inside.
Nothing irritates people in line more then seeing someone skip the line entirely. Its amazing what you can do with a DVD case and a plastic bag. Slip it under your shirt, and find a convenient door next to the line. Walk up open the door pull out the bag where nobody can see it, and step out the door with it in hand. The goofier the grin you have the better, and laying a wet one on the case is even better. Be sure to laugh at the people in line as you walk by and out of the door.
4. The guy around back.
Same principle as the guy on the inside. Just plant a friend in the line, and ask him why he is standing in line with the morons. Tell him that everyone who wants the game early is going around the back of the store and are buying the game from a clerk for a five dollar profit. The beauty is as both of you walk away everyone in the line starts to think it just might be true. You can really suck people out of a line with this stunt. Just walk around the floor, and return to a much shorter line.
5. Trench coat mafia
Never underestimate the power of a stare down. Never underestimate the power of a group stare down. Being stared at makes most people uncomfortable. Having five or six people stare at you without pause will actually freak a lot of people out. Especially if your all dressed the same. Military lingo can also give you an edge. Start measuring out the line, count people in line, divide the number among members of your group. Done effectively people will decide this line isn't worth it. Why be a sitting duck for a rampage.
6. The place across the street.
This one is incredibly effective all you need is a friend to call you once you are in the line. Everyone has heard stories of some place breaking street date even a couple hours early. So just play out the conversation in ear shot of everyone. Seem a little conflicted, and then run out of the line. Once again try to pull the suckers out of line. Best to use little stores, or even a grocery store. People can easily see it happening at such places.
7. Spot taken.
Just tell the guy behind you that your holding a space for twenty people. He starts to give you lip then give him a sad story about the people being special needs children just wanting to belong. Ask him if he is a dick like the store manager who made up some story about fire laws meaning he couldn't let twenty cripples stand in a line, and that they would have to come in two hours later. Usually shuts people up pretty fast. A wonderful screw job.
8. Dirty rotten scum sucker.
Chances are you will be standing with strangers. Chances are you may never see them again, and even then they will probably not recall what you are about to do. Cell phones are the best way to do this. Just dial a number you know into your phone and hit disconnect. Then proceed to rant about something to a ficticious person. My favorite gag is having a daughter that wet the bed again, and vehemently suggest its time to use the cattle prod on her as a form of corporal punishment. Now someone might try to give you some lip about your sadistic practices. Just look at them and ask them if you were talking to them. Then turn around and continue with your pretend conversation. Laugh deep inside at all the emotional turmoil you have caused the group.
9. More then Happy.
Be extemely nice to everyone. The nicer you are to others the more creeped out they become. Talk about how cute kittens are, and how pretty sunsets are. Ask people if they like chocolate or what their favorite soda is called. Engage them in constant meaningless conversation. Watch as their nerves begin to grate under that cool exterior. They cannot actually do anything but leave the line. You can have a real blast doing this one victim at a time.
10. Count your money.
This is first come first serve at its very best. All you need is a bag of change, and try to count it as you stand in line. Everyone behind you will go half nuts. One of two things are going to happen they will try to change your money for you, or they will have fits trying to get you evicted from the line. Which you know isn't going to happen if a member of management presents themselves just show them a bank card, and after they leave play the card off as bogus. Either way you can stretch this enjoyment out, and perhaps even get a prime spot in line so that you can't gum up the works. They may even put you at the register counter to roll your change. Anything to not have you dumping tubes of change onto the counter while eighty people are tapping their feet behind you getting irritated.
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