OMG, I just found a new quote machine... Oliver Wendell Holmes. He might even supplant Oscar Wilde as my favorite quote machine in history.

"A pun does not commonly justify a blow in return. But if a blow were given for such cause, and death ensued, the jury would be judges both of the facts and of the pun, and might, if the latter were of an aggravated character, return a verdict of justifiable homicide."

"Apology is only egotism wrong side out."

"I don't generally feel anything until noon, then it's time for my nap."

"If there is any principle of the Constitution that more imperatively calls for attachment than any other it is the principle of free thought, not free thought for those who agree with us but freedom for the thought that we hate."

"Stupidity often saves a man from going mad."

"When in doubt, do it."

Oscar Wilde:

"A little sincerity is a dangerous thing, and a great deal of it is absolutely fatal."

"A man can't be too careful in the choice of his enemies."

"A true friend stabs you in the front."

"Always forgive your enemies - nothing annoys them so much."

"America is the only country that went from barbarism to decadence without civilization in between."

"Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same."

"Biography lends to death a new terror."

"I can stand brute force, but brute reason is quite unbearable. There is something unfair about its use. It is hitting below the intellect."

 "I think that God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his ability."

"If you pretend to be good, the world takes you very seriously. If you pretend to be bad, it doesn't. Such is the astounding stupidity of optimism."

"The basis of optimism is sheer terror."

What are some of your favorite quotes? 

Winston Churchill:
'I may be drunk, Miss, but in the morning I will be sober and you will still be ugly.'

Lady Astor to Churchill:
'Sir, If you were my husband I would poison your drink!'
Churchill in reply:
'Madam, If you were my wife, I would drink it.'

Ah, Churchill. What a guy. Hilarious.

My fav:
The monkey thinks you're an idiot.

George Bernard Shaw

A fashion is nothing but an induced epidemic.

A fool's brain digests philosophy into folly, science into superstition, and art into pedantry. Hence University education.

A life spent making mistakes is not only more honorable, but more useful than a life spent doing nothing.

A lifetime of happiness! No man alive could bear it; it would be hell on earth.

Americans adore me and will go on adoring me until I say something nice about them.

Criminals do not die by the hands of the law. They die by the hands of other men.

Democracy is a device that ensures we shall be governed no better than we deserve.

England and America are two countries separated by a common language.

Everything happens to everybody sooner or later if there is time enough.

Few people think more than two or three times a year; I have made an international reputation for myself by thinking once or twice a week.

Gambling promises the poor what property performs for the rich--something for nothing.

Hegel was right when he said that we learn from history that man can never learn anything from history.

Hell is full of musical amateurs.

I can forgive Alfred Nobel for having invented dynamite, but only a fiend in human form could have invented the Nobel Prize.

I often quote myself. It adds spice to my conversation.

If all economists were laid end to end, they would not reach a conclusion.

If history repeats itself, and the unexpected always happens, how incapable must Man be of learning from experience.

If the lesser mind could measure the greater as a footrule can measure a pyramid, there would be finality in universal suffrage. As it is, the political problem remains unsolved.

If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.

Imagination is the beginning of creation. You imagine what you desire, you will what you imagine and at last you create what you will.

Lack of money is the root of all evil.

Life does not cease to be funny when people die any more than it ceases to be serious when people laugh.

Martyrdom is the only way in which a man can become famous without ability.

Patriotism is your conviction that this country is superior to all other countries because you were born in it.

Reading made Don Quixote a gentleman. Believing what he read made him mad.

Self-sacrifice enables us to sacrifice other people without blushing.

The fact that a believer is happier than a skeptic is no more to the point than the fact that a drunken man is happier than a sober one.

The liar's punishment is not in the least that he is not believed but that he cannot believe anyone else.

Life isn't about finding yourself. Life is about creating yourself.

You see things; and you say, 'Why?' But I dream things that never were; and I say, 'Why not?'

People always get tired of one another. I grow tired of myself whenever I am left alone for ten minutes, and I am certain that I am fonder of myself than anyone can be of another person.

...And my personal favorite:

The power of accurate observation is frequently called cynicism by those who don't have it.

The best part is that the picture isn't even of a monkey. Surprised that no one has ever pointed that out before.

"Democracy is a device that ensures we shall be governed no better than we deserve."

That's great. Love that line.

 albert einstein

"The secret to creativity is knowing how to hide your sources."

 woody allen

"Don't knock masturbation — it's sex with someone I love."

 Dan Quayle, former U.S. Vice President

"If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure."

"It isn't pollution that is hurting the environment, it's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it."

 Britney Spears, on Blender Magazine

"I get to go to lots of overseas places, like Canada."

Churchill has some of the funniest quotes ever.

A fanatic is one who can't change his mind and won't change the subject.

From now on, ending a sentence with a preposition is something up with which I will not put.

However beautiful the strategy, you should occasionally look at the results.

Men occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of them pick themselves up and hurry off as if nothing ever happened.

I do like many of the quotes from Ghandi, although a little more philisophical.

I object to violence because when it appears to do good, the good is only temporary; the evil it does is permanent.

An eye for an eye makes the whole world blind.

You must be the change you want to see in the world.

jerry seinfeld

"I was the best man at the wedding. If I'm the best man, why is she marrying him?"

"What is a date really, but a job interview that lasts all night? The only difference is that in not many job interviews is there a chance you'll wind up naked. "

"Dogs are the leaders of the planet. If you see two life forms, one of them's making a poop, the other one's carrying it for him, who would you assume is in charge. "

"Sometimes the road less traveled is less traveled for a reason "

"Seems to me the basic conflict between men and women, sexually, is that men are like firemen. To men, sex is an emergency, and no matter what we're doing we can be ready in two minutes. Women, on the other hand, are like fire. They're very exciting, but the conditions have to be exactly right for it to occur. "