http://www.gamesradar.com/f/the-top-7-stereotypical-gamers-we-hate/a-2008032410612871091
We'd rather be stabbed in our necks with rusty ice picks than try to hold any sort of conversation with one of these imbeciles. Emergency tracheotomies would both be less painful, and more likely to get us shots of morphine.
We're referring to rare, but very real individuals who by some astonishing means perfectly embody corny, old gamer stereotypes that definitely shouldn't describe any actual person ever. The following seven profiles illustrate the stereotypes that are most capable of initiating our gag reflexes. They should be avoided vigorously.
7. Frat boys
Usually plays: Halo 3, Guitar Hero 3
Favorite snacks: Brewskies, pizza, passed-out sorority chicks
It's hard to tell when these douche bags are actually playing a game as they're just as likely to yell "Score!" for a C-minus term paper or a well executed date rape as they are a Madden field goal. Their celebrations are somehow simultaneously chauvinistic and homoerotic, and no accomplishment is too meager to warrant a Pabst shotgun or chest bump.
These ravenous consumers of all things sequel and all things licensed are the undiscerning gamers that lazy publishers wish we all were. Storytelling will be largely overlooked for any kind of multiplayer. Rightly so, since rowdy bro-on-bro competition is the perfect excuse to loudly regurgitate Will Ferrell quotes and call each other "gay" without addressing the thick fog of sexual tension which permeates their Neolithic rituals and ignorant world views.
6. RPG snobs
Usually plays: Any RPG and/or "something you wouldn't understand"
Favorite snacks: Dhalmel pie, Bland grilled shark fin (STA +1)
We relish any chance to talk shop about our favorite hobby with fellow gamers, except when we're confronted by one of these - a hyperventilating nerdlinger who looks at us like we're farting Philistines for wanting to pull off the occasional headshot or kickflip. With so much time spent indoors, they don't understand how low on the social ladder they rank, and how little the cultural impact of a spell-casting cat-person in a buckled leotard matters to anyone. We'd rather hang out with the ghost of Adolf Hitler then hear about the finer nuances of Lady Yuna's Tickle Summon.
Usurping the Throne of Snobbery from the once mighty record store employee, they've also donned themselves with some kind of omniscient Gate Keeper status, using their false sense of authority to talk unsubstantiated shit about anything you can't import from Japan.
"Do you have Grand Thef-"
"Pedestrian!"
Next time, kick him in his Forgotten Scepter before he can sneer at his own, barely ironic, aside. We promise - he won't fight back.
5. Non-existent gamers
Usually plays: Family friendly fun-fests
Favorite snack: Organic rice cakes
These are not real people. They are illusions created by marketers and portrayed by models and actors. Their cultural backgrounds are ambiguous, but their physical characteristics are diverse enough to indicate that gamers of any age, gender and ethnicity can enjoy the associated product. It's clear that they live in an upper middle class suburb and enjoy paying taxes, eating at Applebee's, and repressing dark childhood memories.
We've never actually met this tailor-made multicultural family - this jovial concoction which gathers around the plasma TV with Grandma and the kid from next door to enjoy a game of Mario Party, give each other high-fives and drink Kool-Aid. We hope we never do.
4. PC Elitists aka </pathetic>
Usually plays: Counterstrike, WoW, Starcraft
Favorite snack: Bawls
These well-to-do social misfits point their pimply, upturned noses squarely in the direction of the millions of folks who own and enjoy consoles. We've got no problem with PC gamers in general, but the elitist punks we refer to won't let us enjoy anything other than PC games without giving us hulking mouthfuls of wretched snark.
Don't bother reasoning with them; they'll simply LOL you to pieces and snidely proclaim that you "just don't get it." That may be true, but you can take solace in what you do get: laid, for one. And probably exercise.
Refrain from pointing out that with the chunk of change they dropped prepping their rig for a nonexistent title, they could've bought any next-gen console they pleased and an ass load of great games... including most of the ones they've busted many a nut over on the PC.
3. Devil children
Usually plays: Pokemon, Naruto, Halo
Favorite snacks: Pop Tarts, dirt
If children are the future, we hope a cataclysmic seismic event topples our office and crushes us all under 360 power bricks. Sure, there are inspiring children out there who volunteer at geriatric hospitals and show disillusioned war vets that innocence still exists in a mad world, but the ones we're most aware of are the snot-nosed demons who vomit obscenities into their XBL headsets, abuse their parents, and probably torture orphaned one-legged kittens in their spare time. At least one out of ten of these sociopaths will grow up to kill a prostitute with the pointy end of a DS stylus, and who's to blame?
We blame the stagnation of natural selection. They'd have already been consumed by a harsh and unforgiving environment were it not for the Styrofoam padded, sugar-coated funhouse we live in today. Technology and civilization keeps them alive, and the only acceptable recourse we're left with is the unsatisfying act of assassinating them in Halo 3. It'll have to do.
2. The "takes-it-too-far" guy
Usually plays: The same game since 1992
Favorite snack: Zoloft, Paxil, Effexor
This stereotype doesn't describe just your average cosplayer or collectable enthusiast. This is the fellow who recreated the deck of the starship Enterprise in his living room so that he could further remove his deteriorating ego from reality and transplant himself into the mind of someone with an actual sense of self-worth (Captain Picard, not Kirk, that rube).
Anyone who bought Steel Battalion and its requisite 150-something dollar controller is getting close, but to truly be considered an example of this pathetic stereotype, you'd have to disassemble the controller and carefully install each bit into a plywood replica of a mecha portrayed in your favorite Anime series, or a fanfic based on it, which you wrote, had signed by the Japanese and English voice actors, and keep in a glass case next to a cheesy fantasy sword replica which you call "The Immortal Blade."
Do that, and we won't be your friend. Not even if you let us hold the sword.
1. Obsessed forum guys
Usually plays: Nothing
Favorite snacks: Cheetoos, Doritos, Fritos
An eternally toggled caps lock isn't an accident - it's a state of mind. It's absolute contempt for decent conversation, and often even the topic of conversation. Not only does the obsessive forumite not like games, he doesn't play them. If he did, he wouldn't have time to rant about how shitty they are in asinine forum threads.
This stereotypical internet outcast rarely makes himself visible to the actual world, so we can only guess at his physical qualities. The lack of sunlight and any foodstuffs not wrapped in plastic has likely atrophied his muscles and turned the hue of his complexion to a putrid yellow. Dead skin from the bridge of his nose has become encrusted on the pads of his LensCrafter glasses, creating a thick sludge that occasionally drops bits of filth into his already crumb-infested keyboard. If it weren't for his mom insisting that he let her do his laundry, he'd never remove his favorite Akira t-shirt, which features streams of rotting Red Bull running through valleys of caked-on Cheetoo dust.
This stereotype is easy to avoid if you stay out of forums and comment threads, but who the hell wants to do that? Apply a mental douche bag filter and jump into our forums to spew some hate of your own.
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The PC guy is so ssjj12 lol
