Kevin Smith too fat to fly

I always thought fat people couldn’t feel, their heart being sandwiched between a wall of Hostess cupcakes and Oreo cookies, but apparently it breaks just like everyone else. Such was the case with Kevin Smith’s on Valentine’s Day when Southwest kicked him off for being “way fat”. The captain of the plane called him a “safety risk”. In a series of Twitter updates, Kevin said:

Dear @SouthwestAir – I know I’m fat, but was Captain Leysath really justified in throwing me off a flight for which I was already seated?

Dear @SouthwestAir, I flew out in one seat, but right after issuing me a standby ticket, Oakland Southwest attendant Suzanne (wouldn’t give last name) told me Captain Leysath deemed me a “safety risk”. Again: I’m way fat… But I’m not THERE just yet. But if I am, why wait til my bag is up, and I’m seated WITH ARM RESTS DOWN. In front of a packed plane with a bunch of folks who’d already I.d.ed me as “Silent Bob.”

So, @SouthwestAir, go fuck yourself. I broke no regulation, offered no “safety risk” (what, was I gonna roll on a fellow passenger?). I was wrongly ejected from the flight (even Suzanne eventually agreed). And fuck your apologetic $100 voucher, @SouthwestAir. Thank God I don’t embarrass easily (bless you, JERSEY GIRL training). But I don’t sulk off either: so everyday, some new fuck-you Tweets for @SouthwestAir.

(1/2) @pigz “I know several people bigger then u who have flown on other airlines” I saw someone bigger than me on THAT flight! But I wasn’t about to throw a fellow Fatty under the plane as I’m being profiled. But he & I made eye contact, & he was like “Please don’t tell…”

And, hey? @SouthwestAir? I didn’t even need a seat belt extender to buckle up. Somehow, that shit fit over my “safety concern”-creating gut.

The @SouthwestAir Diet. How it works: you’re publicly shamed into a slimmer figure. Crying the weight right off has never been easier!

Etc, etc. That has to hurt. Especially when Kevin Smith isn’t that fat (okay, yeah he is, but I’ve seen way fatter on planes). Adding insult to injury, when asked what Captain Leysath meant by “safety risk”, the captain probably blew up his cheeks, outstretched his hands and waddled around bumping into everyone on the plane and went up to the peanuts and shouted at them to “get in muh belleh”  to mimic a fatty.