There's no need to apologise, I didn't expect a quick reply and would rather you do it in a time that is comfortable to you, I often do write a lot which makes me worried that I'm rambling or getting my points across poorly I'm happy that you're feeling better, even if it may only be a little, at the end of the day progress is progress so you're heading in the right direction, I'm also pretty much always available to chat if you need it and so are other users here, as long as Ioi doesn't randomly shut the site down, we'll be here to reassure you that your life matters.
I'm sorry that you feel all of that, honestly, I can say that I have felt a few of those things in the past, I would like to comment on a few though, I want to say that the fact that you're still here says to me that you aren't a failure, you're fighting and winning against mental health battles which are some of the toughest battles that anyone can ever have, I have been through major surgeries and they aren't nothing on these mental health battles. You also have a job which even if you may not think much of, I think almost every job is important, as is yours, workers in your field deserve a lot more respect, I mean, you guys worked through a frigging pandemic.
Feel bad about not being able to help with your financial situation, I don't have really any advice there other than asking if there's anything nearby that could provide even a little assistance but I don't know enough about America/Texas social assistance...
I'm not going to pretend to understand the hurt you've experienced with being gay, I'm a straight white male living in UK, I can't begin to understand the pain that you've gone through in that, the world definitely still needs to make some progress there but I want to say that I for one, support you, I don't know if that means anything to you but you have my support, I think that the world would be a damn boring place if everyone was the same, I think that when someone proudly expresses who they are that the world becomes a more interesting and beautiful place.
I've liked you as a user on these forums and have not thought of you as stupid for what it's worth. I only really have some confidence issues, some of those things, I've definitely felt in the past, feeling a bit like a failure, losing my train of thought when I talk to people, rehearing all the mistakes across my entire life (but I think we all do a bit of that, especially at night, Lol), I have some big regrets with how I treated some friends when I was younger too.
F*ck God! If he's real or not, I'm sure he won't mind, Lol, I would like to think he has bigger issues to think about, hate can be a pretty strong motivator to prove people wrong though, not all negative emotions have to be bad. Of course, I know how important that venting was for you, I'm not trying to say you're wrong for feeling all of those emotions, I just hope that I can offer a different perspective or support on a few of them which may help you feel better, if you need to vent then do it, let those emotions out and you will feel a little better, as you just did now.
Don't worry about not getting your points across too clearly, I'm sure you did fine, I'm sure Jetzel understands your points well enough and it doesn't have to be a one and done thing, you took the first step and it was a success, you're making progress and that's a good thing.
I do want to comment on your therapist though, if you truly feel that about your therapist and you aren't feeling like you're making progress with them then you should seriously consider (if possible) looking for a different therapist, not every therapist is right for every person, you will need to feel comfortable with them first and foremost but then I also would ask if you truly know that your therapist is tired of you or is that something you're telling yourself to beat yourself up more? It's worth thinking more deeply about I would say and if you feel like you can't get anywhere with them then you should swap IMO, any good therapist would understand, there's not a single therapist who is a key to every lock, it ain't about blame either, would you use a doctor that you didn't feel comfortable with? It is vital for your own sake that you can feel comfortable with your therapist.
Jetzel likely knows a lot about you and can see that you are capable of change cause she knows you, I mean, she was your girlfriend once, I'm sure you know each other well and she sees something in you that you don't see but it doesn't mean it isn't there, you just need help to see it too, don't tell yourself that you will let her down, tell yourself that you're going to prove her right, try to change that negative mindset of shooting yourself in the foot right from the start by telling yourself you're going to fail, I know it's hard but that mindset only hurts your chances.
Glad to hear the end about appreciating the small joys more and yes, sharing is key, it is tough but it is important to heal, I don't really like getting too detailed about my life either but I've never really thought deeply about why that is but we all have embarrassing moments in our past, I browse Reddit quite a lot, I'm sure there's nothing that you can tell me that beats the shit that I've read there But it doesn't have to be us, it can be anyone you trust which is the more important thing.
You ain't rambling! Don't overthink it! I understand you clearly and no problem.
There's no reason that can't be you, I'm betting that for every person like you who hasn't quite got there yet there is another person who has had similar experiences and has achieved that like The Lunarium! I believe in you and it's a dream that everyone deserves. Catra can be an inspiration for you as she has been for others, her experiences (mental health wise) are what others have experienced across the world and I will say she seems like a really well written character after watching that video.
Yup, I definitely see a lot of older audience talking about it, I think why I liked my niece watching it is because I knew this stuff about it, I want her to grow up to be understanding and accepting of these things, stuff like this should be the norm in our society, shows like this are definitely important and a good thing, it shows that progress is at least being made too, little by little, we still have a long way to go but we're moving in the right direction.
Doom Patrol deals with a lot of heavy subjects which I think are dealt with well, for example, one of the leads is gay who grew up in an era where it wasn't really accepted, he also struggles to accept that part of his life, as does his extremely Christian family. Another has DiD due to trauma experienced as a child, then there's others ranging from being a deadbeat dad, to father issues, to wanting to be a 'somebody' to a negative amount, they all have their own journeys of self discovery, dealing with their issues, it has made me laugh my ass off in one scene only to immediately make me tear up in the next, Lol.
I'd agree with Yoda although I think I more often agree with you, I think you're smart, you definitely put a lot of effort into your posts which are often well researched, I think you articulate yourself well, a lot better than I do. I think I've told you once that your name was thrown around around as Mod potential in the past, for what it's worth.
You fit in fine! A lot who don't end up banned anyway I have often agreed with your posts and sure there's definitely stuff we would disagree on but that's life, I would be surprised if there's anyone who agrees with someone else on absolutely everything in life.
There's also a lot like you who don't really know what is next in life, life is a journey of self-discovery and everyone reaches that stage at different points in their lives, some are earlier than you, some are later than you, I definitely see where you're coming from with your writing stuff and fitting it around your current job but I do think you would likely make a good writer, I think you at least articulate well which helps a lot.
Your financial situation isn't a fate that you deserve and it's sadly a fate that millions of others struggle with too and they don't deserve it either, our world still has a lot of progress to make on that front and I hope things get easier for you in the future.
First off, I just wanted to thank you for all your words of encouragement. I do feel better about things now, and just, ya know, having a listening ear (so to speak) makes a big difference. You're clearly right about so much of this. I'd certainly rather talk more to Jetzel than to my therapist, that's for sure. But I mean I've burned through several therapists already in the course of my life. As you might well imagine, I've been in an out of therapy for the immense majority of my life and honestly I'm just tired of it and it costs a lot of money.
To say that my life has been embarrassing is a gross understatement. I don't mean to be too vague, but it's just not fun talking to male strangers on the internet about stuff like specific sexual experiences you hated that you keep reliving and things you did in the past that caused other people real harm and landed you in jail, things like this. Well okay, we're not total strangers I guess, but you know what I mean. And honestly, that's how I feel IRL too. There's a very high bar of trust required to turn this into a more meaningful and personalized therapy session. Rest assured though that simply knowing someone is listening makes a real difference to me.
As for modding potential, well let me put it this way: I have worked as a mod on another board before. I lasted a week and quit. I don't think I ever once disagree with the consensus view of any modding decision, but I did suggest a fairly harsh penalty for one of our own who broke the rules and it made him cry. I felt lower than dirt after that, apologized profusely, and resigned. If people want, I can bring that same kind of instability to the VGC modding environment too.
And Doom Patrol sounds really interesting and moving! Will definitely have to check it out.
Again, thank you so much for all your kind words here. I'm doing alright now. My knee is starting to get better too.